Gambled after one year in the clear

Hi Bryan

Great to see you are doing so well, I look out for your diary every week, I've been free of fobt's since 28/12/17. I don't even know how many weeks that is and I won't check, but I keep going 1 day at a time. I know that for me, its a long time without stuffing notes in those machines. Like you, I sleep much better now there are no more secrets, in fact I look back now and wonder how I lived like that, massive losses, always broke, hidden debt, refusing to discuss money matters for fear of being found out. The things we did must have had an adverse affect on our health, it's so stressful.

My wife and I were doing my finances today and I have built my savings so quickly that I was genuinely shocked when she showed me my bank account, I dread to think how much I have lost, but I only look forward now.

Your diary is a great help to me so keep posting Bryan, genuinely pleased you are doing so well.

Thanks Greenflash and I am happy that you found my diary useful. I had a read back over yours , are you still struggling with your confidence ? You have done great giving up for so long . To all of my gamcare friends here , it’s so easy to see someone doing 10,20 , 40 or whatever days it is . We often forget that each day is an achievement and should be celebrated . We have all come a long way in a short space of time, even if we don’t want to or can’t acknowledge that ourselves . I honestly couldn’t get to this part of my recovery without any of you . I have learnt a lot from every individual so thank you

Stephen the Stoic wrote:

Congratulations Brian. That was a great post which shows just how far you have come in your recovery.

I say recovery because that's what it's about. We have been deluded and living in a fantasy world. For no reason we jeopardized everything we held dear.

We can't undo whats been done but we can get out now and take whatever is left to be salvaged...stephen

Thanks Stephen completely agree with you . Thank you for taking the time to post an update . It’s true that you can do so much on your own with stopping gambling but it’s great to have someone like yourself in my corner supporting me . This whole siege mentality that we all have is infectious . It’s a strange club where everyone here wants everyone to do well, no jealously or anything like that . Keep posting and I will keep responding !

Hi Bryan

Just read back over my early posts and I was really struggling those first few weeks. My confidence and self esteem are up and I feel great, the problem with the fobt's is that they isolate you. I always played them alone as deep down I was ashamed of what I was doing, hoping for the big win to make me feel great, but no longer socialising or doing the things I used to.

For me, it definitely had a mental impact along with the financial impact. Also in the first few weeks I was moody and difficult with my wife, I guess as she is the closest person to me. But I've had no problems after the first month or so and I am finding it easy enough, no urges, no mood swings etc. I certainly do not say that in an arrogant way, and I am well aware of many posters on here who have relapsed, so I keep my guard up always. The biggest help for me, is absolutely no access to funds to gamble with, it seems to have relaxed me so much. This has brought my confidence back as I just crack on with other things. When we quit, our lives improve in many ways and your diary is testament to that.

All the best

Day 83

All is good . Been more active on this site the last few days . Nice to see some new faces here all having an input and also some older friends , you know who you are . Really busy week work wise with people on holiday . I’m dealing with over 200 emails a day , phone calls and running a business when the MD works half his time in Germany and half in the UK. I end up doing his role plus mine but it’s good practice for a couple of years time when he retires and it will be me responsible for all of the staff and making sure we are successful . Always managed to keep professional at work and do well despite carrying such a burden around all these years . Been spinning in the gym 3 times this week and doing 3 sessions next week. More motivated to do it now . I’m the final stages of sorting a remortgage to free up loads of cash and finally be able to purchase a new boiler . It’s like having a car that does 2 miles per gallon and you can’t turn it on very often because when you do it leaks ! Gambling wise no urges or thoughts but still not complacent . I know too well by reading stories here that we are only one step away from pressing that self destruct button but as I said before I won’t be a slave to it . Took kids bowling this morning seems to be our regular thing with the wife at work all day which was nice to spend time with them . Had a quote to cut a massive tree down on my property , was pretty high at £360 I’m sure I will be shopping around . Nothing planned for tomorrow . Still checking my bank like a mad man waiting for £1200 refund from PPI. It’s strange as when I was waiting for gambling money i wasn’t that obsessed even though I have no plans to spend this . I thinks it’s a case of being able to do something constructive rather than destructive is driving me . Been 28 days waiting so a few more days isn’t going to matter (never thought I would be saying that ) . Will update again in due course , thanks to all who have joined me on this ride

Hey Bryan, nice to see you clocking up those gamble free days. Do you enjoy your role at work? Sounds very manic indeed. How big is the tree? My dad cuts down trees you see so wondered how good/bad the price was. Scott

Hi Scott . Yes I do enjoy work I have been there 15 years and had 3 promotions . Get to travel as it’s a Dutch company but also my office is 5 minutes drive . It’s a secure well paid job would have to travel to a major city to get anywhere near the package I get there . Problem as always was that I never really enjoyed the financial benefits but plan on doing so soon. The tree is a double silver birch ie 2 in one . Height is almost as high as a two storey house so it’s quite a big one . Hope you are doing well

Hi Brian

Great to see you are in the gym, taking the kids bowling and all the other stuff. When gambling there was never the time or the money to do normal things like that, but as gamblers we could waste many hours in a bookies. It feels like being a normal person again. I've been doing my ppi form this weekend too, i have 2 cards with ppi. I always talked about doing it but the truth is I could'nt be bothered when I was gambling as it was too much time and effort. Different mindset these days.

I noticed a comment you made on jackdaniels365 thread. You wrote about the mindset of being a non-gambler compared to being a gambler with no access to money. I put all the blocks in place so I don't have access to funds, but I wonder if that is enough, you have certainly made think whether I am just covering up the problem and if there is anything else that can be done.

Keep going Bryan

Hi Greenflash

I think that by asking that question you already know the answer . Blocks are great they do exactly what they say on the tin . They give you an opportunity to stand back and breathe and hopefully stop you from thinking about gambling as you have cut off the supply . That can happen on day 1 and it’s an instant fix . Changing your mindset and stopping your addiction is possibly a life long process . That’s not to mean as I have said before to be a slave to it . I would probably compare this situation to someone who has been left on a dessert island for many years (the time you have spent gambling ). It’s almost impossible to know anything else in your life that you use as an emotional crutch , as your friend and also as company . Stopping gambling is like being rescued from that island . The blocks are there and that’s day 1. Now the rest of your life moving forward is trying to undo your mindset and re integrate yourself to try and become “normal”. It’s not going to be easy as you have been in exile for so long but it does get easier over time . What could apply to you is to look inside yourself and see if you could do something mentally and physically to take yourself away from the gambling . I’m finding that in the past it’s habit and normal to gamble , now it’s normal not to . We adjust very quickly if we want to

Hi Bryan thanks for popping by, I had read the odd post on your diary and have just read it from the start. Great advice for others and logical thinking getting you to a commendable 85 days! I'm looking forward to seeing what the next year brings after feeling hopeless for so long. Take care S 🙂

Sharon41 wrote:

Hi Bryan thanks for popping by, I had read the odd post on your diary and have just read it from the start. Great advice for others and logical thinking getting you to a commendable 85 days! I'm looking forward to seeing what the next year brings after feeling hopeless for so long. Take care S 🙂

Thank you Sharon for investing some of your time to read my ramblings ! Sometimes you do feel like no one is reading it even after 80+ days so thank you for caring and reading my diary . I’m so pleased that you have managed to arrest this and long may it continue

You give very good advice Bryan. Well done on your recovery and well done on investing time to help others.

Josh x

Day 89

Think I am making progress . I haven’t had any urges and my family can see a definite improvement in everything about me . Just purchased the World Cup Panini sticker album that I can do with the kids . Will take them bowling tomorrow and shopping for new school shoes on Sunday . Both things while relatively inexpensive were out of my reach before mentally (when you begrudge any other spend ) and financially (where you don’t have any money to do it ) . Got my PPI money last week which I paid off some debts and treated myself a little . Going through the process of re mortgage and also fighting an unjust score on my credit report that I mentioned before with Argos . I’m in contact with the financial ombudsman and what happened was Argos took me off a debt management plan 2 years ago unknown to me even though I was paying the DMP. When they did this they then hit me with arrears and missed payments and I was totally oblivious to it as I was still paying the DMP and even increased my payments to them . The DM company emailed me today to support my case saying that it was completely unfair what they did . So we will see what happens . So if any of you haven’t read my back story I am married to a Polish woman. I can speak some polish . In fact to an ok level and can be understood whenever I hear the language and can understand what is being said . I have worked for a Dutch company for 15 years and can understand very small amounts. And at school I studied German for 5 years but can’t remember any ! Well since I finished my university course 3 years ago I have been a bit of a mental loafer away from work . Tonight I have ordered myself CD’s to learn to speak Dutch . I feel I need a new challenge and focus . It’s not going to really do anything for my career prospects as they all speak good English but I want to do it for myself . Been to the gym 3 times last week and twice already this week so I have got my motivation now on a physical and mental level . I’m trying to change a lot in my life for the better . As said a lot before if nothing changes nothing changes . Received a few emails today from online casinos where they have confirmed my self exclusion until 2022 which is the maximum term . Deleted straight away but reinforces to me that the blocks are there and it’s pointless for me even trying to think about it . Been on this site quite a bit , not sure why as I haven’t been on a lot for a week or two . Many of you will probably see me commenting but I don’t see it as a bad thing . It is still working for me . Looking at the days I have clocked up I know I haven’t abstained this long since before I met my wife and we have been together 12 years . As always , the please say hi on my diary . Just because I am approaching 90 days (yes GA have their own separate leaflet for that !) it doesn’t mean I don’t require the support from others out there . We are all vulnerable to it and I sit here and am thankful that I have come to the right place for me at the right time in my life

Thanks for sharing

Hello Bryan,

Well done on 90 days GF mate. What a turn around, huh? It feels crazy to see the otherside of life Vs when we are stuck in the cycle of gambling. Heard you talking about watching other people going out/spending money on themselves and wondering how they can afford to do it, so true. It is good to feel what each £ can do to REALLY fulfill our days and you are doing just that.

Have a good weekend =)