I got sucked in to playing roulette about 4 years ago. It fitted perfectly with my black/white thinking - that "kill or cure", "death or glory" mindset when you have very little but feel you're owed more from life.
I've read a lot of posts here, some great advice, I've now implemented the best of it - Gamblock, telling my nearest and dearest about my problem so I feel shame if I do it again.
It's massively helped.
I haven't gone online since before new year. But my problem remains - I have an emptiness in my soul that only gambling or drinking fills. I feel in a warped way it's my "treat" for having machete'd my way through the week working hard, denying myself pleasure, doing things I hate just to make enough money to keep the wolf from the door. Once the wolf is kept from the door - what little coinage is left I feel is mine! I want to be the wolf! I want to risk what little I have for a chance to feel like a man, even if it's only for a few moments! That buzz of possibility of what could be if only my number drops!
Obviously it's ridiculous! Obviously I should engage with real life rather than watching spinning graphics designed by some autisic algothirm in Gibraltar to pay for "the man's" lobster dinner down at the port, laughing at me as he chinks his champagne and laughing saying: "not my problem, I'm just providing a service - if people are too weak to control themselves then how is this my fault?" "
I'm conflicted to be honest. Once I get on that devil wheel I have no control. It scares me how I can have so much control in every other aspect of my life; but a spinning silver ball stacked against me is my blind spot.
Anyone who's been bothered enough to read this far I thank you. I'm comfortable that I have a compulsion I've dealt with. Not an "illness" not a "disease" - for me personally that's an excuse that allows me to forgive myself for having something outside of my control. No! I knew exactly what I was doing thank you! I was a greedy s*********h! And here's the news... sometimes I won! Sometimes I won big! In those moments it fed into my mental delusion that I could be a player, a success in my life. No buzz comes close.
I work a £9 ph job - I am a joke to myself at 50! How else can I ever win a lifestyle I watch on TV? Through hard work? No. Through betting my ballax? Yep, maybe. It's the only option open to people like me.
Damaged thinking; for sure.
I forgive myself for falling for the dream tho. I also forgive myself so far for being bored, being greedy, daring to risk it all for a better future when nothing else is on the table.
I sincerely wish everyone strength who's fighting their demons. It's not gambling tho. That's just a symptom. If you are anything like me then the real truth of why you gamble runs far much deeper. Gambling isn't like a drug addiction where you pay to get your buzz then it's gone; gambling is more dangerous because, let's be honest, you COULD win and sort all your immediate financial problems out.
Don't do it!
But let's be honest about it. It's a tax on hope for the vulnerable and greedy: of which I am both!
Fallen Jo.
That is an excellent post Fallenjo and you make some very true and important points about the conflict which helps develops a gambling addiction.
Its a complex addiction of triggers. It is a tax on hope and I feel many people arent so much greedy as just want some more for the hard work they do and the life they lead.
I had my landlord in yesterday telling me I had too much stuff and to clear things out. He was with his plumber fitting a water heater and a shower but it was all on his terms. He is so patronising and a multi millionaire. I was clearly nothing to him as he made small talk.
I just wanted the world to swallow me up.... a grown man being told off like a naughty boy because I have an extra hi fi rack and shelves about...not a problem but he likes to see his flats minimalist so he can stroll in and out as he pleases...like he owns me ( Ive fitted an extra lock to the door so he cant do that.
Technically Im a few paychecks away from real  hassle even with my rainy day fund. That feeling alone drives people into the gambling web
So I understand how people feel about the wealth they see beyond them. Its a system that doesnt really reward hard work in most cases. The hardest workers can earn the least because the profit is going elsewhere
In my darker days I would have been off gambling to vent and try and stick it to the man. Now I fully realise that gambling was never the answer to my depression and feeling jaded with life. It was never the answer to my fears and I had to fully face that the world doesnt owe me a livingÂ
I will deal with your important point that people "could win" Im not going to shy away from that but there is no system on roulette and it would take large stakes on long odds. Spread betting is just watering down the fact that I could fleece you all day long at 36-1 not counting green
How much are people going to put down on a colour.. the entire monthly wage?....all the inheritance??
You can see here where it all goes wrong!!
Most people lose and a feeling that the world is being unjust wont win us a fortune.Â
I became hooked on the act of gambling. deep down I knew it was a mugs game but I was already hooked on my fix. Everything that came my way I put back in and more. However it must be said that I put many times more in for something to come my way. I dont think I was ever up on the deal. The machines were my poison because I initially thought they were a soft option.
I was scared of real grown up gambling if you get me. The machines became my escape gambling or trance away from real life. The crazy thing is I wasn't even playing for amounts that would have made any real difference to my life.
Gambling was a symptom of how I was really feeling inside. I had to face myself and deal with my inner thoughts. It took deep spiritual thought and a new outlook on life to deal with my insecurities and fears.
Life is not fair and its not after all a product of morality as Neitzsche said.
I have to deal with it. My life is much much better gamble free
Best wishes to everyone on the forum
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