Hi all and thanks for reading my post.
It's a familiar story which i'm sure you are all familiar with, but i'm really losing it with all the distress and self pitty that i'm finding it hard to breathe.
What the hell is wrong with me????? Am i a lunatic? a s****t or just a dam fool, i can't tell anymore. i've just lost another 900 and wondering how i am going to cover the loss and hide it from my OH and what am i going to say when the bills don't get paid and all after i just managed to scrap through the same thing last month. This cycle of destruction is killing me.
Why would i put myself and my family through this, it's just crazy and yet, i do it again and again.
Please, someone give me some words of wisdom because my stress levels are through the roof.
You're none of the above, you're a compulsive gambler & hopefully this is your rock bottom which means the only way from here is up! You're right, the 'story' is nothing new & people here with similar journeys are in recovery which means hope!
You asked for words of wisdom but you may not like what people have to say 🙁 My advice is to tell your OH! Mr Brightside's exit post on the 2014 challenge will explain my rationale! I would also suggest a phone all to Gamcare & then you have to figure out how to break your Time-Money-Location triangle as removing one will prevent you from gambling!
Welcome to recovery Deezzee, I hope you stick around, you won't regret it!
Keep breathing, you can do it - ODAAT
Hi ODAAT and thanks for the words of advice. As for not putting myself in the possition to gamble, i would love to, i really would however, I control all our finances as OH is also a compulsive gambler and i was or used to be the safe person to keep the finances in check...but for some reason for past couple of years i too have taken to hiding from the world via slot machines.
We have both had difficult pasts which is not new nor an excuse but it is a reason why we are gamlers. We have been together for 28 years and OH has gambled throughout whereas i have been a CG for approx 6 years but not to the extent that things got out of control like they are now.....I would love to tell him but i know he would see it as 'getting back at him' he would not see it in the same way he wanted me to see him, i don't know why that is, it just is. I also think that it would make his addiction worse by making it 'OK' which of course it wouldn't be. I am trying to be his rock while falling apart myself and i just don't know the what the answer is or who to turn to for help.
I have tried blockers on my computer but always find a way round them. i've barred myself from sites but always find another one, i am at my wits end with it all.
Eeek...Makes no sense that we watch people destroy themselves with gambling then follow them straight down the road to misery does it 🙁 Truth is though, if you want recovery bad enough to make it your number 1 priority, you will get there! For what it's worth, you have us now, fighting your corner & supporting you all the way!
What about speaking to your bank? I am led to believe that you can downgrade an account & I know my Nationwide credit card came with a warning that if it was used in anything that looked like a gambling institute, it would be rejected! If your bank doesn't offer this, maybe it's time to switch!
I found a recovery diary really helpful & I have spent hours & hours reading & learning from other people who have walked in our shoes & found a way to recover!
I'm no psychiatrist but sounds to me like you are running from something more than you OH's gambling! Please, phone Gamcare, get some proper help & hopefully this will negate the burning desire you feel to lose yourself in a destructive gambling session to try & manage your pain!
Keep excluding from the sites, keep coming on here, keep doing something, anything, to keep yourself occupied when the urges hit! You can do this - ODAAT
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