hi

Hi, HardTry,

Sorry to hear it, have been there. Start by getting help for you, tell someone you can talk to, call Gamcare or your GP, whatever works. But focus on you, presumably it's an earthquake, it was for me, take whatever help you need to cope.

It's his choice whether or not to gamble. There's nothing that you or his father can do or not do or say or not say to "make" him gamble or to "make" him stop, don't bang your head against a brick wall by trying. Your choices are about what you do - or if that's too big, what you do for the time being. You can't control whether or not he gambles but you don't have to stay in the realtionship whilst he does. (nb Idle threats are not recommended). You don't have to give him money to gamble with - this includes paying for "essentials", which indirectly frees up his money for gambling. It also includes paying off his loans and credit so that he has access to gambling.

My story is that I'm long term married with older children and teenagers, he gambled for most of our marriage and I didn't have a clue. It blew up three years ago, he paid lip service to not doing it again but remained secretive and managed to cover it up. I was suspiciuous but despite the warning signs, I let it go and paid far more than I should have done into the household. Big mistake, it continued unabated behind my back and with perfect 20:20 vision, I see now that he wasn't ready or willing to stop.

This time round, it is very different. His lies and gambling were exposed, the bank statements confirmed that he had taken the children's savings and I gave him an ultimatum which I was ready to see through. He is now in recovery, he attends GA twice per week, he handed over the finances in full and I check his emails, bank accounts and credit reports (CGs can lie about the extent of the damage, always rely on bank statements and credit reports, which don't lie). He carries minimal pocket money, I have helped him self exclude permanently from the websites, there are notices of correction on his credit reports to say that he doesn't want credit in the future. I have done what I can, the barriers are as high as I can make them and there is some reassurance for me. Despite this, I know that if he really wanted to go back to it, he would find a way. Emotionally, it's not easy to forgive but for the time being I will stay whilst he remains in recovery and there is some hope of rebuilding our relationship.

Hope this helps but look after yourself.

Best wishes,

CW

Thanks CW, I Just don't know how to be normal for our 12yr old.

Hi,

You know your kids best but I would let them know what's going on, gambling thrives on secrecy, if it all goes horribly wrong then all you can do is warn them. You can't make it better and not telling them doesn't make it go away.

I have four kids, they know, partly because there would be absolutely no chance of my being able to hide it or cover up. I'm not that sort of person.

My eldest came of age, wanted to sort out his finances before uni and was told by some indifferent bank clerk that his account was empty. My husband said he had moved the children's money but refused to say to where or to move it back. This was during exams so we had to keep quiet for a few weeks but in that time the other kids knew that something was wrong.

By the time the exams were over, my eldest's bank statements came through, the denials were shown to be lies, the kids' accounts were shown to be empty and I told all four what was going on. My husband stopped giving us snarling denials and caved in. When the bank statements became available, I showed them to all of the kids, apart from the youngest who was a bit small, even by my standards. But even she knows what compulsive gambling is, she understands what meetings are, she knows that our relationship is fragile. In some respects she has been the easiest to deal with, she just marched up to my husband when she thought the moment was right and asked him whatever she wanted to know. And by then he was willing to answer her questions. On the other hand, my eldest was a huge support to me but has found it v difficult to come to terms with what his father has done.

There's no set formula, no easy answers, it is a man made disaster, to quote Pangolin, keep talking.

BW,

CW

How are you?

Not great, i thought it wasn't about the money but found out its over £10k. It changes everything. Just dont know how to be. Last night understanding and now angry. Should i stay with him or not all the questions.

Oh, dear. Have you told anyone, it helps. Would you consider calling GamCare, they're v understanding.

Not trying to compound your difficulties but have you checked credit reports? His and yours to make sure that all credit and applications for credit show up?

Suggest that you would want to see committment to recovery if you are thinking of staying. It's no good trying to understand active gambling.

You might post in the friends and family section to get more responses.

Whatever you do, put you and your kid(s) first. Don't get bogged down trying to influence what he does.

Take care.

CW

Hi hardtry,

I'm a wife of a CG too. So I've been there too. I totally get the flipping from anger to understanding. It's normal, and for me it lasted quite a while. Talking to close friends, the great people on here, and telling my family really helped. I had to repeat myself over and over just try to make sense of it all. Reading the struggles of CG on here also helped me gain a real insight into the addiction.

Give yourself time to get your head around it, protect yourself, and talk through it. Try to give yourself some time out too because it's easy to become swamped by it all.

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks, for your replies. x