Hoping this is the fresh start I need

Hello everyone.

I've had serious gambling issues since around 2011. I got myself in a bad way at one point with massive debts and my mum bailed me out. I promised that was it but carried on pretty much straight away, just small amounts at first but the last year it's got massively out of control.

This time I had a lot of debt and although it's such a waste I'm grateful that it's manageable. I've managed to get a loan through my credit union at a low rate and paid it all off, a mixture of pay day loans and high interest credit cards.

I'm also lucky I have a well enough paid job that I love and  that I still have a decent amount of disposable income and I live in a nice house with my partner. I'm not sure why that can't be enough and I can't just be settled. 

I can't tell anyone. I can't tell my partner as I know that will be it for us. We keep out finances separate but he said before if it happened again that would be it. 

I can't tell my mum as it will break her heart. She'll also try to fix it for me which I think actually makes me worse. When this happened before I went straight back to gambling to try to get money to pay her back. 

I feel like this is the only time I've had a proper clean slate. All my bad debts are paid off, and it felt good doing it. My loan payments and living costs are more than manageable. This might sound ridiculous but I've just been paid and actually bought myself some new clothes and done some Christmas shopping. I can't remember the last time most of my wages weren't gone within a week on casino sites and I actually bought something for myself without credit. 

I think I desperately need some hobbies though as on a night when I'm bored is definable a struggle.

Not sure why I came on here. I guess I just needed to write it all down somewhere.