Dear all
Firstly, please excuse the following unstructured stream of consciousness, I thank this site and for anyone reading in advance for giving me an outlet to actually tell the truth. I am sick of being so crippled by lies and regrettable behaviour towards those I love and those I don't know. I need this space to write down what I am and what I've done. Perhaps being so honest and bare will help me stop. Perhaps this time I will actually stop.
One day last week I walked to work. I got up at 5am and walked 2 and a half hours to get to work. This was because I had gambled my weekly travel money and couldn't afford a £2 bus fare. I gambled my weekly pay check as I have done now for the past 2 months. I managed to quit for the first time in my life for a year prior to the recent 2 months relapse. I have quit previously, but only because some external reason forced me to - for instance I convinced myself to stop playing in my final year of university as gambling had nearly made me fail the previous 2 years. I only managed to quit that year because I had a huge win in the summer so was able to feel positive enough to take a break. Needless to say within 2 weeks of ending my degree I had lost all the winnings, all my savings and whatever other money I could get my hands on. I'd say it was somewhere in the area of £16K. Anyway, back to present day. Most of the time I've managed to keep some money aside for the essentials of the week. This time I didn't. I'm behind on this months rent. I lied to my landlord so he wouldn't chase me for it. Told him I'm the victim of fraud and haven't got access to my account at the moment. I justify lying (if people knew the truth it would just hurt everyone), I justify stealing (I'll pay it back), I justify gambling again and again. Before 2 months ago I had saved some cash, not loads but having and keeping savings were a luxury as I had been gambling for 7 years before that (I'm 25 now). Don't want to think about how much money I've lost overall, that's all relative anyway. But suffice to say I'm a loser. I've manipulated my parents so often and told such abhorrent lies to cover my tracks, I am overwhelmed with guilt. I don't want to kill myself to get away from my problems, but I want to punish myself, I want to beat myself until I'm bruised and bloodied I am so filled with anger and frustration. I live a double life. I can't do this anymore. My mentality when gambling is so deluded and deranged it would be unrecognisable to anyone watching who knows me. I am manic. I never stop, when I have been up thousands in a night and end the same night down hundreds I walk outside and hope I find a dropped tenner or anything in desperation. When I'm up I set targets and design excel spreadsheets to track my winnings. And when I'm losing, all rules are broken and spreadsheets ignored. I spent 36 straight hours in the casino last week, I cancelled two social engagements I was supposed to go to. One because I was gambling when I was supposed to be meeting a friend and the other because after the 36 hours I had no money or motivation to go to a party and mingle with other people. My debt currently is just north of £7.5K, but most of that is owed to people (my parents mostly) who have bailed me out in the past few years and have been so patient with me repaying it despite being in financial difficulty themselves. They, like my friends, all assume I managed to quit a year and 2 months ago and that's that. But I am compulsive, I am a liar and I isolate that side of me from everyone. I have been to GA a few times in my earlier gambling years, and I listened to the horror stories of seasoned gamblers who lost their homes, their families, their stability and smirked arrogantly thinking these people aren't me, I'm not them, I'm in control. What a shameful idiot I am. I can conceivably see I am not in control. I have been temporarily distracted, while the addiction lays dormant.
When I think about my problem, I don't like pitying myself but I don't know anyone who really gets how deep this cuts. How despite my parents' patience and friends' semi-understanding I have no real support network when it comes to unburdening myself or confiding in someone. How it's not just about money, but without it, gambling would be obsolete. How when I'm in the zone, I can't just stick to a target, I can't just walk out when up or call it a day when down, I play until that last penny is dropped. How it's not about the amount of money I've lost, but how much more of myself I've lost alongside it. How I lie awake planning the next excursion, planning how to win, planning how to spend the winnings, needing to win. How I spend every waking hour counting in my head how much I owe, what I need to spend money on in the near and far future and how much I need to win to finally do it, to have that perfect win, then that will be enough. How the lies and guilt eat me from the inside and make me shudder with self-repulsion. How lying becomes fluent, how the guilt somehow dissapates, how I am now so used to lying and not caring about lying I am so far removed from who I once was. How rock bottom can always reach new lows. How it has adversely affected my social life, my sleep, my health, my relationships, my faith. How every method I have used to try and stop has been overpowered by the force to continue. How it feels inseperable from my very essence. It is who I am. I often wonder that if I could find a way of making a bit of a side income, then the lure of the casino would be replaced by the buzz of making money in other more stable means. But then I think, no, it would just give me more ammo to spend in the casino. It isn't the money, I don't even think it's the adrenaline or the winning - although all play a part, I can't put my finger on why I can't rid myself of these compulsive tendencies, how under whatever future circumstances I find myself in, I know it will be there, trying to force its way into the control room and once it's there it will possess my whole being as if it had never been away. I know we talk of taking it a day at a time and I have done before and will again. I'll get over this current setback, I'll muddle through the next couple of months, poor but safe in the knowledge I've quit for now. But after a few months, a year, maybe a couple of years, maybe when I've got more to lose, I can't honestly say I know it's gone for good. And that terrifies me. I've excluded myself from casinos and online gambling sites, I've made oath after oath, I've made financial plans to rebuild my life but all in vain. When I ask how can I live with this, I don't mean I want to kill myself, I mean, how can I come to terms with this disease, how can I come to terms with what I've done. I am no longer delusional, I know what I am. Practical solutions are fine, but they are superficial, they are protective fences but they do not protect my thoughts which ultimately prevail. How can I muster the mental strength to fight the urges. How can I be me again?
If you have found the mental strength to actually reach the end of this incoherent babble, then I thank you for reading. Writing this to people who have heard or have gone through the same thought process and agonising swings gambling causes is therapeautic and reassuring in itself. I probably didn't articulate it very well, but as i said, it was a stream of consciousness. Maybe if some parts resonate with you, let me know. My mind is open.
Thank you
Welcome Jekyll...Whether you arrived here on purpose or stumbled here by chance you have just found your place to unburden, no holds barred & the support network you crave!
For the record, it was perfectly articulate & aside from the spreadsheets (coz I am old & Excel is the enemy) it could have just as easy been a stream from my consciousness!
The fear you have regarding a permanent cure should not be a reason to give up on recovery! I have learned through these pages & the wisdom of others that 'we' compulsive gamblers can never truly be cured. We must accept that & be strong enough to deal with it because every day having urges & not gambling is better than the life we lived gambling.
I am here, other people will be listening in the background, put this slip behind you now. The past is gone & can't be changed, the future is not here yet so don't dwell on it. The present is here now, you have done it before, you are still you, come on and get your life back whilst you are still young - ODAAT
Jekyll, I only posted for the first time today....but I have spent time recently reading lots of posts.....you wrote that very well...I'm with you....keep reading what you just wrote yourself. You are still young enough to turn this around to lead a meaningful life and to enjoy your life...persevere..
Jekyll, I only posted for the first time today....but I have spent time recently reading lots of posts.....you wrote that very well...I'm with you....keep reading what you just wrote yourself. You are still young enough to turn this around to lead a meaningful life and to enjoy your life...persevere..
Hi Jekyll
I can relate to a lot of what you have said. In answer to your question of how you can be you again? I don't think you ever can be.
I know I am not. But I am a different me now. Someone who realises they have it in them to blow every penny they have, and more on a gambling spree. I choose not to at the moment and I like this new me.
The old me was oblivious to the devil that lurked under the surface. The new me understands it and has tamed it. You can too.
The secret is time. Don't worry that the practical solutions are only short term. If they can help you go just one day longer without gambling then that is a step closer.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
hi Jekyll what I found most poignant & telling was the phrase you used " but I want to punish myself, I want to beat myself until I'm bruised and bloodied I am so filled with anger and frustration. " - m8, that is exactly what you are doing with your gambling ! You're using gambling as a masochistic tool to abuse yourself, to destroy yourself ! Have a gander at this link & see if it fits : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-defeating_personality_disorder
My hypothesis is that the healthy, sane part of you hates the fact that you gamble. So you will never win, because secretly / unconsciously you want to lose. You want to punish yourself. Reason ? because the healthy, sane, non-gambling part of you sees that as the only way you will stop gambling. It knows that it is like a toxic relationship, you're much better off out of it than in it. If it allows you to win, then it knows that you will continue to do it, to be in it.
There may be other issues, anger turned inwards maybe ? were your parents unconsciously abusive to you or controlling ? were you bullied at school ? There must be a source for that anger somewhere. And your choice of username says it all - Jekyll ! when you have a classic Jekyll & Hyde split personality around gambling. I feel you're into a kind of emotional, mental and financial self-flagellation.
Your only solution now is to end the toxic relationship - break up with gambling. View it as an abusive partner, which it is. There's a novel you should read about a similar self-destructive man; it's called Hunger by Knut Hamsun. Get the Picador one if you can (front cover has a man with a hat turning around in the street), it's the best translation. There's one on that auction site at 99p with no reserve. Your narrative is very similar, you may learn from it.
Thank you for your comments, support and insight. Apologies for my delayed response.
ODAAT, I put that slip behind me, while still constantly thinking about my next pay check (which came yesterday) and planning on 'investing' it back in gambling (which I did yesterday and lost it all). I couldn't stop myself. Even now, I'm 2 weeks behind on rent and considering getting a loan of some sort or asking to borrow money, and it's completely unbelievable, but even the glimmer of a chance I'd be getting an injection of cash has made me contemplate gambling it! That's why the future seems so precarious, because it could happen at any moment, with any amount of money. I am chasing my money back at the moment, but the driver could easily be anything. It's like feeding a parasite inside your gut by eating food you're recommended to stay away from. Eventually it will get so destructive that it feels impossible to contain.
Freddie, thank you for reading and encouragement. I also try and read as many posts as I can here, hoping one will ring true enough to give me that moment of realisation, of clarity. I know my story is my truth, but it only releases momentary tension by writing it, rather than seeming to actually direct change.
Zlotty, that's an interesting perspective and you are probably right. I do wonder if I've always been capable of such obsession if the right stimulants were at play. I first had the hints of a problem when I was about 7 or 8 playing a fruit machine in a hotel with my dads money (he lent me it). I needed to win even then! Kept on asking him for more £1 coins. I can't remember that one moment it transitioned from recreational to compulsive gambling, but I do recall the general time. I was around 16/17. It seemed like one day I was reluctant to rebuy in a £5 poker tournament, or if I was £3 up on a £10 roulette spin, I would have taken the profit there and then, the next I was walking home during school hours when I was 17 to get my only worldly savings (about £250 I'd saved from 7/8 years of birthdays) so I could win back my winnings on the roulette machines at l*******s. Does anyone else remember when you felt a change in your mindset towards gambling, a discernible click in your mind which altered your approach from relaxed to manic, or recreational to obsessive?
I take every day at a time, but I can't help but ruminate constantly over the future - and by future it undoubtedly comes back to winning back my losses. However, I would say that I am only currently thinking about winning back my recent losses and the losses I incurred years ago don't figure too much in that thought pattern, which I'm grateful for and maybe offers some hope that time could heal this torture.
Davey, thanks for your interesting analysis. I hadn't thought about it like that before. Do you speak from your experience or is that just how you view my behaviour? Now I look back, there has definitely been an element of self-sabotage, although perhaps not from the outset. I know when I'm losing I want to throw blame around, and that ended my childhood/adolescent relationship with God. Now I only have myself to blame. I can't look inside and assess whether I want to be angry so I gamble, or I am just an angry person beneath the reasonably placid exterior and gambling gives that emotion a vessel to travel in.
I've had no abusive past, my parents were controlling but now I look back, I remember it was more that I often overreacted and flew off the handle than was justifiable. I guess I do have a temper and perhaps it requires an outlet. Gambling does allow that to happen, however when I've cut gambling out before I haven't felt the need to find an alternative release. I will definitely read that book, (I've just bought it following your recommendation).
On a similar note, does anyone have any suggested links to inspiring talks on beating gambling or compulsive behaviour? Maybe something like TEDx talks... Just a thought.
Sincere thanks again to everyone.
hi Jekyll, the only solution is to stop now before you do more damage. While you're constantly thinking about recovering your losses, and in chase mode, you are really far more likely to lose than to win. You can only realistically hope for a very small percentage gain in the short term with gambling, and if you don't stop / cash out at that point then you will take bigger & bigger risks until you've lost everything again. A compulsive gambler in chase mode having access to money is like a pyromaniac having access to petrol and a lighter . try to restrict your access as much as you can. if you need to borrow money to live on this month, then keep it in cash, don't have it in electronic form in your bank ready for you to waste online via your debit card. Just forget about your losses - the money's gone. If you valued the money so much, then why gamble it in the first place ?
Enjoy Hunger, substitute food for money , & payment (for articles written) for gambling wins & you will really be able to relate to it!
Try www.gamblingfactsandfictions.com for inspiring articles about problem gambling. click on link twice as annoying popup on the first click. tc
I think sometimes people tend to overanalyse why they started gambling. The real answers tend to be pretty simple i.e. greed or boredom. I made the wrong choices because I thought gambling was easy money. Nothing to do with my parents or what happened 20 years earlier. I was greedy - plain and simple. I wanted more even when I won.
The only way to stop in the short term is to restrict access to sites and money but many people don't want to do that as they don't actually want to stop. They want the hurt to end but want to continue gambling for whatever reason.
Hi Jekyll, powerful stuff I suppose it touches a nerve with me as much of what you are going through I went through and at times am still going through. Get some head space from gambling and begin your recovery from there At the moment your head is mush and that is an impossible postion from which to stop gambling. I hope you find something here that helps you alot like myself you need it.
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