How do I confront my husband’s secret gambling?

Dear @Anonymous-113,

Thank you for sharing on the forum today. 

That can be a really tough situation when someone you love is struggling with an addiction but you are not sure how to address it with them. I hope by reading some other stories on the forum it will bring you comfort in knowing there is a way forward from this.

There is a lot of support surrounding mental health and the impacts the gambling may have on this too. Both you and your partner can contact the Samaritans for support surrounding that on 116 123. If you do feel he is in crisis at any time or are worried for his safety you can also contact the emergency services. 

Please know we are here to support those affected by others gambling too and want to make sure you are ok, our advisors are available 24 hours a day on the helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via live chat. Do get in contact and we can talk everything through and look at all of the support available to you. 

Please do continue posting and sharing your story, 

Best wishes, 

Sophie C 

Forum Admin.

@anonymous-113 You can’t not do something because of how they might react. It’s clearly a problem for you and you need to confront it.

A compulsive gambler is normally a compulsive liar as well and I don’t believe it works by going around the houses. Get straight to the point. 

When that’s done you need to protect yourself. Don’t pay off any debts, they aren’t yours. Don’t lend any more money whatever the reason.

The gambler can get helps once he wants it at a variety of places including Gambler’s Anonymous or through Gamcare. 

One point though, if he is doing it at an out of control level, it doesn’t make him a bad person, he just has an addiction and needs help.

Chris. 

Today, I have strong controls/blocks in place but back in the day I didn't. I remember vividly a scene that happened, I can't really remember exactly when but maybe twenty years ago, something like that. My wife and I were at the lawyers' office sitting at the closing table during the sale of our house. My wife asked the lawyer, "what is this reduction in our sale of home proceeds?" and that is when the proverbial *** hit the fan. The lawyer simply explained, "oh, that is to pay off the home equity line of credit your husband took out last year". I wanted to crawl through the floor. I had to break down and admit that I had hidden my gambling losses. The point is that I wish I had been found out sooner rather than later. 

You are in a difficult situation. I guess I would suggest a soft approach rather than harsh condemnation. Start a conversation and somehow bring up the subject of addictions, say something like I'm glad you're not an alcholic or drug abuser, but have you ever had problems with gambling?, and see what he says. I hope you will find a way to bring to light what is now in the dark. 

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. In my case I was the compulsive secret gambler who kept going, getting deeper in debt and gambling away a lot of our savings. My wife found out as she one day had a look at our joint bank statement and saw all the gambling transactions. She asked me about these and I admitted everything that had been going on for about 5 years. The fallout from her finding out like this was immense, but to be totally honest, it was a huge relief that she found out. Why? because there was no longer any reason to keep going, chasing the losses in the forlorn hope that I would have that elusive big win to recover what I had lost. Even if I had won big, which sometimes I did it wouldn't have stopped me due to the addiction.

I'm not saying your partner would react like this, but you need to ask him what is happening because you can't live like this whether your relationship survives or not. 

For us, I immediately bought into the recovery process, contacted a Gamcare advisor who was fantastic and arranged some free counselling for both of us. My wife took over full control of our finances, cancelled my debit card and put a block on gambling transacctions from our bank account. I signed up with Gamstop for the maximum 5 years and put a blocker on my phone, again for 5 years.

If your partner wants to stop, hopefully so, as what he is doing will be making him more and more depressed speaking from my experience, he needs to seek all the help he can get.

My wife was distraught at what I had done, we have been together over 30 years, but with time and me showing my determination to never gamble again we have survived. She came to terms with my gambling by thinking of it as an illness I am recovering from and I couldn't have done it without her support. 

I am now 25 months gamble free, my wife still controls our finances, and life is so much better so please have the courage to speak to him about this.

Hope this helps, all the best

The cost of living crisis reason may turn into reasons like 'I lost my wallet', 'I need money to help my friend pay his rent, or he'll get evicted', 'I've got a fine to pay'. I've heard it all from a CG until I realised what was going on.

Be assertive, don't give him more money than you feel he needs, say no, no & no again, & give reasons. I know it's different because she wasn't my partner, but I did look about manipulation, sometimes it can get ridiculous, she was literally sobbing down the phone at me, saying her friend Matt was going to be chucked into the street unless I paid £350 to stop the eviction, I just said no & put the phone down. You need to nip if he's going to start with that, then he'll realise your not going to enable his betting.

I'm not really sure about being scared, I can only say don't confront him about his gambling, just be assertive if you think his money requests are unreasonable.