I want to support my boyfriend and his gamblimg

Hi @steph494

Welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place for advice and support and yes, it would be a good idea to encourage your partner to sign up too.

It's good that he realises he has a problem. He has to really want to stop too. You can't do it for him. The decision has to be his in order for him to succeed. 

The most important thing for you is to protect yourself. Please don't give him any more money. Gamblers can be very persuasive and make all sorts of promises, but you will probably never get it back . Protect your finances and change any bank pins and passwords of yours that he may know. Being around a compulsive gambler can take it's toll. You need to look after your own wellbeing. 

The forum advisors are very helpful if you call for advice, or there is a live chat option if you prefer to type. 

Take care and keep posting. You're not alone with this.

J

Hi Steph,

Welcome to the forum. I echo much of what Jess has said. Without meaning to sound too blunt it does sound like you are literally "paying" for attention. Your hard work is to stop doing that. His hard work is to stop gambling. You have got to find the courage to say no when he next comes to you for money. You may have to write off what you have given him. 

As a compulsive gambler myself I would say that words are easy. Actions are not. You will see in his behaviours and his actions whether he is gambling or not. Promises and statements however said are pretty meaningless unless backed up by actions. Ask yourself: What is my boyfriend actually doing to stop himself gambling and to stay stopped?? If your struggling to think of anything.. then that's a big red flag.

Use the site for yourself and your own support. Read and write. It may help to find the way forward.

@jess27 thank you for your reply.. it is such a hard situation to be in but I want to do my everything to help him. X

@s-687 we have had a talk and he said that he is going to stop on his own but I'm going to tell him about this site and hope I can get him to join.. the other thing that really annoys me is when we are sitting down together I just want some cuddles but I get nothing he is literally glued to his phone.. he plays to win but ive told him your not winning because you pour that much money into the game so even when you do win its still a loss. It makes me miserable and he then worries because the things he should have paid out he isn't able to because he's gambled it all away..and that's where I then come in ? I have a few ideas on how to help him to stop.. I want him to message his friends who he borrows money off and tell them he has a gambling addiction and for them to tell him no when it comes to borrowing 

@steph494 My first bit of advice is to no longer enable him. However bad he makes out that he needs money, don’t give him any.

You will only be throwing good money after bad and it won’t help him. He’ll say it’s helping but it’s only helping him delay getting to the point where he wants to stop.

It is really difficult for a problem gambler to stop on their own. Not because he’s weak, but because the addiction is stronger. He needs to find GA or talk to one of the Gamcare advisers. He has to want it though.

One last point. If you can’t help him or make him stop, it’s not your fault, it’s his and it’s his responsibility. Do not blame yourself.

Good luck.

Chris.

@chris-uk thank you Chris im seeing him tomorrow and he said he is going to have a look at this site with me.. and we are going to have a good talk. He knows there is only so much I can take but I want to really try to help him 

Hi Steph,

Many a compulsive gambler has vowed to "stop by themselves" me very much included, but i've yet to meet an addicted gambler who has been able to do that and i've met a lot over the years. Sooner or later the compulsion kicks back in.

From what you say, I don't think your boyfriend is yet ready to address his problem. You could perhaps ask him to register with GAMSTOP. Its a useful practical barrier to gambling online. All his accounts on mainstream gambling sites will be closed once registered with GAMSTOP. Have a read on the site yourself. You may wish to register yourself. This will stop him using your details to open new gambling accounts.

Personally in your position I wouldn't text his friends. He is likely to get angry if you do this, I know I would in his position. It is his responsibility to tell his friends if he wants to.

As I suggested early. Your challenge is to separate out your responsibility to yourself, to protect yourself from the consequences of his gambling both financially and emotionally.

It is his responsibility to address HIS gambling problem. It is not your role to do it for him. Sign post him in helpful directions but don't try to save him... it doesn't work, youl both end up in the gutter.

Hi everyone, I am very glad to see this awesome discussion about online gambling. Thanks all.

@s-687 thank you im going to do that GAMSTOP as you suggested.. I can't get in anymore of a mess money wise than I already am. How long had you gambled for Chris if you don't mind me asking?  My partner has been to meetings in the past and did manage to stop gambling for a year and half so he can do it he just has to stick to it 

@steph494 If he’s been to meetings in the past then that would indicate he knows he has a problem. It’s not suddenly gone. If he’s done 18 months clean and attended meetings then he knows what he has to do.

If it was me you asked, I’ve gambled since I was 5-6 years old. I had certain behaviour traits around the age of 10, and gambled on and a little off for nearly 40 years. I’m 52 now. I’ve had periods of abstinence of 2 years in 2015/2017, 3 years in 2007-2010, and the odd year here and there. My secret formula is when I attend GA and work a program I don’t gamble. When I stop going eventually I relapse. I’m currently 4 and a half years clean. I come on here to support other gamblers and to say that if I can do it, they can too. Without judgement either. 
I’m not fixed though, I know this. The reason I’ve been able to get to 4 years plus is because every week I’ve spent 2 hours in a recovery meeting. I’ve worked a 12 step program on myself and now help others. That’s it. 2 hours a week for the rest of your life back. Seems a fair trade.

Chris.