Life full of regrets and too old to repair it.

Hi Loathsomeone, welcome to the Forum and well done for posting what you have here. I am just in my forties so just about qualify,

My heart goes out to you my friend. I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago; in that time, I lost 350,000, two homes, two partners and all my material possessions, over and over again.

You feel that you are at your lowest point, but you can’t take yourself out of the game whilst it is still playing my friend. I was obsessed, day and night with gambling - I was homeless and scouring the streets for coppers to buy some out of date bread rolls, and all I could think about was gambling again. My story sounds extreme, but it is nothing compared to many others I have seen in my seven years here; so many times, I have seen people come on here who have stolen from their employers and are literally waiting for the police to knock.

But this isn’t a competition as to who has lost the most my friend; I am explaining this because you can always fall further, much further - at the moment, you still have a job (which is a huge, huge blessing in the circumstances, despite your situation), you still have family that are willing to take you in and give you food and a roof over your head. You are still relatively young in today’s world my friend - there is every chance that you are only half way through your life. You are blessed with a child, a gift that a lot of people would do anything to have; you are not a bad person, you are not sick and dishonest either - compulsive gambling makes you do bad things and make bad choices but this is not the real you; take gambling away and you come across as an immensely caring, decent and intelligent person - you haven’t changed, you are still the same person and you have a responsibility to be everything you can be to your son.

If you take yourself out of the equation, then you have literally no chance to turn things round. I spoke to a woman on here, aged 82, who said she had been gambling all her life and had lost all her savings, family and friends as a result, but she still wanted to stop, and she still wanted to leave this world on a high. You have a wealth of time on your side to create the best life possible, and what you have to do now my friend is draw an immediate line under your past, accept what has happened and then deal with everything as it arises, piece by piece.

You can still be a fantastic Father, debt is debt - it is done, and you can’t go back and change it. You still have career options at 46, not as many as 26, but you still have open doors which you must try and push yourself through my friend; I was exactly the same as you were at work; haunted, temperamental, anxious, emotional - I have no doubt that it had an impact on my career but I have used it to push myself harder than I ever have, not just in work, but in life; now, I write, sing, go hiking, do charity work and so much more; I recently helped fix an elderly pensioners kitchen with this trust I work on - the life-affirming gratitude and warmth I received did more for me than I could put into words; if I had never gambled, I might not have got involved with this trust, but now I am doing everything to turn all of these negatives experiences into positives. If you hang in there and start making progress, then you could find something else where they don’t know the old you.

Your friend and your family are likely to be upset, and words will mean little at this point. So what you need to do is prove it to them, over time - make them your priority financially, anything else can wait or you can go bankrupt/get an IVA; take it slowly my friend, do as much as you can, when you can.

You ask me, what is the point in carrying on? I would say to you my friend that you are a fortunate man in many ways; this situation is not a good one by any means, but you have time and now you must find strength to draw a line under your past and move onwards and upwards - the worst thing you can do right now is bury your head in the sand and let this take you down further; that time is done - now you have to be proactive, strong and give this everything you have got; you think it is too late - think about that 82 year old; sadly, it really was too late for her.

You son, family and friends will know you as someone who shuffled off this mortal coil as an down and out addict, leaving a trail of problems in his wake - no-one wants that as their epitaph my friend, you are better than that, miles better in fact. If you reach that ladies age without gambling a penny more, from 46 years of age until you leave this earth by way of natural causes, then they will know someone who had issues, but worked their heart out to resolve them, a man who confronted his problems head-on, a man who was a kind-natured, trustworthy and decent Father; ok, he struggled financially for a time, but he kept plugging away & gained everyone's respect.

There is no question in my heart and mind that, not only do you have everything to live for, but you have the heart and capacity to turn this around; you lived a gamble-free life for 42 years, so there is every chance you can do the same again. You must draw a line under your past, immediately my friend because you can do nothing about it, but you can certainly do something about your future - this is what counts now, nothing else matters; speak to people, speak to companies - tell them the truth, explain yourself away; get it all out in the open, put all your cards on the table my friend.

Be strong, be positive - how would you feel if you looked back on this post in ten gamble-free years’ time? You would have been a great Father, you would have made some headway with your debts, you would have either kept your job or found another one, you would have learned how to live, breathe and value money again. There may still be some frayed ties with certain people, but no-one could knock your relentless commitment; this is what you have to aim for my friend - you can get back to where you were and beyond if you push yourself. There is nothing written anywhere to say you cannot turn this around and be a better, stronger person, friend, son and Father than you ever were.

JamesP

Oh Loathesomone, how can I improve on those wise and wonderful words of JamesP? Please read and re-read what he has written and be heartened by them. You are a loving father to your son - believe me, he needs you to be there for him, now and in the future. By removing gambling from you life once and for all you will regain your self-respect and be a true role-model for him. And you will do it, with the help of the good people on this site.

On a practical note, I see that you gamble online. Please make it a priority to self-exclude permanently from all the sites you use and the install a blocking software such as K9 (free), Gamblok or TXNoGam. (These last two cost around 20 I think.) Putting these barriers in place will free you from temptation and give you space to concentrate on your recovery.

Although you don't think so, you are still young enough to turn your life around and find a happy and fulfilling life. You will do it.

Best wishes,

Joanna

Inspirational words from JamesP there.

Hes right....we cannot change the past. We just cannot. We all know it. We must live in the moment.

You lost everything. You are back to zero.

Come out fighting and dont give up.

There is no other way.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. It really does mean so much to me.

JamesP I have read your post over and over and I already feel so much stronger and more hopeful than I ever thought I could at this dreadful low point in my life. These words coming from someone who has been through the same thing and of similar age to myself are so important in this dark place I am in.

Your words are a true inspiration to me and I can't thank you enough.

I will remain a memeber of this forum because I don't think I can do this on my own.

Today has been gamble free and I must never let myself feel this dangerously low again.

I will pray to God every day for strength to help me overcome this life destroying addiction and to face my many many problems caused directly by it.

I will keep you all updated on my progress in this final fight which I cannot fail to win.

Mate james sai everthing beautifully..my advise is keep yourself busy with something like gym, playing football with friends or some other activity which will keep u occupied and will make you tired, i know at the moment your happiest time is when u are a sleep, so keep yourself active and take your mind somewhere else rather then gambling.. I am 38 years old and 13 years of gambling, lost as much as u or even more and now its been a week already since i posted here last week and i am free of gambling.. U must believe yourself and most important thing mate please keep your work and work hard ..as long as u r employed. U can pass all that bad days and have smiles with your future days..my heart is with u and please keep reading and posting as it helps a lot ..

You are enormously welcome Loathsomeone, more than happy to help my friend.

I felt the emotion pour from your every word; it could well have been me writing very similar words some time back.

It is a question of not doing this alone, but it is also finding refuge amongst others who can understand and appreciate what you are going through; a kind ear and friendly, non-judgemental advice can be like gold dust in a world that doesn't understand my friend.

There will be a lot of confrontation in the short term going forward - do what you can to tackle everything individually and offer everyone, including the companies chasing for money, a positive way forward if you can. People won't understand, and they will point the finger first as anyone would who doesn't understand this affliction but that's ok; take it on the chin for now and explain things to them in time; they might not want to listen now but, when they see you making positive progress, the might want to know, and you will be in a position to tell them.

I applaud your positive attitude my friend and I hope you keep contributing as you said. A recovery diary on here is a good way to stay in contact with people and tracking your progress day to day.

Thank you again for sharing your story my friend. You are a good person - the problem with this affliction is that, after a while, people only see and experience what compulsive gambling brings out of you; in time, they will come to see the real you again my friend.

JamesP

Hi Loathsomeone

What can I add ? not more I think James P covered every aspect of your post

I am 40 ,stopped gambling in the beginning of march this year ,that was not easy but looking back now that was the best decision ,I am married father of 3 ,In debt but for the first time in more than 20 years I am happy and more dedicated to family than ever

When we stopped gambling we need to fill the void ,I am doing that by doing sport ,the 22th of june I will be running my first 10k race and raising money for my local school ,I am planning start an accountancy course at the beginning of september ,you are not that old mate ,you have everything to live for

You can beat this illness and this forum is the best tool to help you on your journey my friend

Keep faith and together we are and will be winners

I am julio cg last bet 04/03/2014

HI Loathsomeone,

Your words are so familiar that my heart felt every single of them.i have gambled for about 7 years , on and off .

i can't say i have lost a house or distroyed my relationships as my gambling stop me to even build that.

i have been living a long term lie, i have lived in lonilenss for all this years ,pretending i was fine and keeping my secret from everyone. Then my brother moved with me and in one point i couldn't keep my secret anymore and i shared my sorrows with him. I'm 35 and he is only 26 , and in the past years he as been my rock in my darkest moments, which make me feel more guilty cos he didn't know how to help me and he suffered a great deal witnessing my desperation ,

I too wanted to kill myself, but i having lost a brother at 17 years old i couldn't give my family such a grieve and opted to keep myself surviving . Yes , i was surviving, cos my past 7 years were not life.

Although our stories are different ,the feeling of being ashamed, failure and total immense depression are the same.

i had nothing to live for, i lived a fat , disgusting lie!

This year after Christmas i couldn't carry on anymore, i felt like i had to either give up gambling or give up my life , cos i had not hope and will to live anymore. i was empty inside, i could not cry any longer and i reached a point i had not self pity . I was furious and hated myself, because i couldn't control myself. i felt stupid. ugly and old. I felt i was too old too to start all over .

I wrote a letter to my brother and again he was there for me.

My broken heart couldn't take it anymore, seeing his pain in his eyes and knowing i was causing so much grieve gave the strength to take a decision.

The day after i called Game care and booked an appointment.

this was the best thing i ever done in my life.

i have done it in the past to be honest but attended very little and went back on my vicious circle.

This time though i stuck with that and from January till may i attended every single meeting.

The money i have lost in the past don't really matter to me, all it matters is the present.I haven't gambled and felt to gamble since i decided in January that enough was enough.

My months of therapy were very helpful , I slowly open up and slowly start to gained trust in myself. Every single step was a tiny victory, i started from zero .

At first i gave my cards to my brother as i didn't trust myself, and slowly i start to pay my debts and now after only 6 month i managed to save quiet a bit, and i'm a month away to pay of my debts , 'cos i was so use on live on nothing! U can't get the past back, neither the money or the past relationships. But u can start from zero and build a relationship with your child.Believe me if u stop gambling u will be way better off. Now i wake up knowing that I'm free, and believe i would not trade this feeling for any money in the world. It's only 6 month for me and yes im late for many things but if i have even two more days left in my life i want them to live it gambler free, with my dignity and self respect. Things that gambling took away from me for too long.

Think of you life as it was book that u are writing, take a new page and start all over .

Write your dreams , you feelings and your goals and forget about the money.I truly wish u you will find the strength to say enough and to start again. Believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel but u must be strong and drive forward the tunnel.

WISH U ALL THE VERY BEST from a GIRL THAT LOST HERSELF AND FOUND HERSELF AGAIN!