Hi Everyone. I should have been writing on here for the past however many years I’ve had a account here but everytime I try & quit I fail dramatically & today was the worst in my 10 year history of being a compulsive idiot! I wond 30K the other day it was so much that I had to do know your customer checks and go through a week of waiting for the money & then when it was finally release I had a glass of wine or 2 & blew the whole lot in 3 hours!! All whilst my beautiful baby girl slept beside me in her cot & I could have changed her life with it!! Strangely enough in a fantastic mum & she thrives and I must keep her in my sights because this addiction is something that makes me like a Jekyll & Hyde living a double life of lies and financial problems no-one thinks I have. I always long to be normal like my friends and not be hangining out with them with my gambling issues in my head all the time! I gave up for 7 mo this and began to re-cap I can do it again! It has to be the big leap forward though so I signed up for gamstop as a start & will find everyway to block my access to gambling!! It’s such an evil thing, it takes control of you and hypnotises your mind it makes u make irrational decisions in a split second with no care for the future. It should be banned before we turn into a society of zombies!! I hate myself for what I’ve done, I’ve often contemplated suicide just to stop me hurting anyone but I know that would hurt them more & my baby girl needs me! So this is it & I need to be speaking to people in the same position cause theres sadly far too many of us. I just hope I can begin to love myself again and not regret what I’ve done and let it eat me up! Thanks for reading everyone Best of luck to all in the same boat May we all make a success of 2019 🙂 x
Hi
I'm sorry to read your story... Sounds a bit similar to mine really so don't think I'm preaching in any way...
However if you take stock of the amount you lost so quickly... Would you now consider handing over financial access to someone you trust? Just to protect you and your daughter if anything...
Suicidal thoughts as a result of gambling means you are at the brink of self-destruction as a result of gambling... When I got there I did everything possibly in my power to protect myself, my son and my wife. This meant cutting up/cancelling cards, closing all PayPal accounts and changing all passwords on laptops - as well as mass self-exclusion in all forms. My wife gives me money from my account to live with, cash is king again in my world...
It's really not that bad actually. 4 months in and I get by fine actually with just a bit of cash... Do I get tempted to do that cash in the bookies? No, because it's more than just money now, the next fiver i hand over to the cashier will be staking my future, my home, my wife and my son so the cash stays in the wallet until it needs to be spent on the rebuild project... Which is going to take some years to do!
Am I better for this decision taken? Yes, not so much because it keeps me off a bet but more because keeping off a bet has made me into a much more wholesome person, one who has even started to come to terms with what I have done, forgiven myself and one who is trying to move on with his best foot forward. Would not have been possible with the potential to gamble always available.
You will begin to love yourself again if you ensure you can stay off a bet, apart from coming on here and starting your diary (which is commendable) what other steps have you taken to stay off that bet?
You lost a hell of a lot of money very quickly. You are now at a stage where you need to stay off that next bet at all costs.
Good luck.
Dear sillylass
Signalman has given very good advice. I would also add, that it's worrying to hear that you often think about suicide. It's very sad that you've got to a stage where you can't see another option sometimes. it's good that you do say in your post that you want to begin to love yourself again. We'd encourage you to call our freephone helpline 0808 8020 133, to get support in helping you recover from the addiction. But also we'd encourage you to see your doctor about those suicidal feelings. it's important not to ignore these.
We're open 8am til midnight every day, and you can also call the Samaritans for someone to talk to 24/7. They're on 116 123 which is a free number.
Keep posting,
Deirdre
Forum Admin
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