Mother of gambler

You aren't Helpless... you are a mom that is doing what comes instinctively to all moms. Problem is,it is counter-productive when it comes to addicted children. I feel/have felt every single thing you have said. This is sooooo hard and there is no quick and easy fix. Your son has the addiction, not you. Nothing will change until his life becomes unmanageable for him. This usually comes when they have to face the consequences of their actions.

Like the others have said try getting to a Gam Anon or CoDA meeting. What I have learned is that even after 11 years(o*g has it been that long!!) I still struggle but I have my group behind me cheering me on when I make progress and giving me a hug when I struggle and revert back to "mom mode".

As for the girlfriend... forget about what you did or didn't do. I know it's hard but it isn't your problem to fix, it's your son's.

You will never be judged here. We are all just trying to make it through this hell and get to the other side with some sanity left.

Be selfish and put the focus on you. Learn the lessons you were given and please get some real life support!!

Cathyx

Thank you for all your messages, I know that I have to seek help for myself, my head is saying all the things that I am hearing its just my heart that is not listening. When (or if) he comes home tomorrow I will leave the help numbers out for him and then just hopes that he calls them and start getting help for himself as well.

It is a horrible thing to go through as a parent and you can find yourself being intimidated by them and what trouble they can end up in. Make sure you stick to taking over his wages and give him an ultimatum of working with you to help him recover or he will just have to face up to the reality of losing a potentially good life. He has the advantage of being employed which is a good start. If he has money coming in he can start working out how to pay people back and you can help him if you get advice on how he can manage his finances. By all means leave the leaflets for him and leave the phone number for Gamcare but insist you sit down with him and look at them together. It will not be easy for him to stop but it really is possible if he really wants to try. You are basically trying to keep him in employment and on the right side of the law and you must try and be firm with him about this. Try and get as much info on gambling addiction as possible and ways of tackling it so that you know more about what you are taking on. Most of the parents on here would have been clueless about this addiction until it was dropped on us like a bombshell. Many of us have now been on a learning curve about the problem and we know what a rollercoaster ride it is before any sort of recovery kicks in. I wish you luck.

Anyone have any advise on the best way I should be reacting to my son. We have blocked gambling websites on his phone and laptop - I know only he can do it but at the moment i just feel numb I just don't know what to do I feel like I should be shouting and balling at him and I am feeling cross with myself that I am not doing that but then again I know this probably wont help and will only help myself.

He is asking me to give up smoking as of tomorrow with him - I am willing to do anything to help but feel like he should not be telling me anything because although I smoke I am not hurting anyone else except myself unlike him who has hurt lots of people close to him.

Any advice ?

Detach with love.

Hi helpless, no shouting that's good. Anger drives them back. Calm, structure, plan. Meetings, no excuses. He's not in a place to put demands on you.

I would not agree to that, if you fail at stopping smoking he'll use it as an excuse to gamble again, thinking he can then blame you. Let him know you love and care about him but this is his addiction not yours he has to take responsibility and deal with it himself. I think it's good if you can be there for him in his recovery, having someone close to speak to about how your feeling is a big help, but having someone take away your responsibility and always bailing you out would be very unhelpful. Take care of yourself first.

If you want to stop smoking for you, go for it but agreeing for him or anyone else isn't likely to succeed the same way him making all the right noises about giving up gambling won't mean anything unless and until he wants it for himself.

Setting blockers for him is a start. What else is he planning to do? Alongside blockers and self exclusion the usual starting point is full transparency with his finances i.e. giving you or someone else unrestricted access to every agency's credit report on him and handing his finances to someone else to manage along with him researching counselling options and GA meetings.