Yesterday broke me down like never before. 2 weeks ago I gambled away 5000 on slots leaving myself broke and horribly depressed. A week goes by, and ive managed to get together over 2000 and promised myself never again. I started feeling human again went back to the casino, thinking I would do it differently this time. Go slower, play a table, interact with people. I lost it all in 1 hr. What's worse tho is as Im walking out of the casino feeling so down and horrible, my mom calls me to tell me that my oldest cousin died from heroin. The next day I had a huge desire to kill myself. I have a history with depression, but this feeling was so dark and hopeless I couldn't breathe sleep eat, all day I felt like I was being squeezed by darkness. I couldn't get out of bed. I finally took massive amounts of benadryl and passed out. The next day, today, I got ahold of 1200. Every time I thought of the casino, I told myself hell no. But at around 10pm the electricity goes out from a crazy monsoon storm. Im in Phoenix. I get in the bath to relax and wait for the storm to pass and the power to go back on. My battery had died and I couldn't charge my phone with no power. As im in the bath I have a brilliant idea. I bet casinos have back up generators, I can just go there to power my phone, find a cheap room somewhere and go to bed. As soon as I walked in to the casino I started gambling again, telling myself, I'll go slower, stay away from machines I like.. I didn't even plug my phone in. Now, im here, writing and seeking help. I've read so many posts and forums and love the advice. And as bad as these stories are, and as much as I hate to see a large part of humanity go through this, I find a heartbreaking comfort in knowing im not alone
Ive lied about my problem for a long time. And when the people close to me eventually notice, I lie about the severity. My justification is that its so they won't be worried, but really it's the shame. Im over 10,000 in debt, I don't want any one to see how bad it is. And how much it's ruining the quality of my life. Not only did I lose my money, I've lost precious time sitting in the chair at the slot. Not to mention the next day when I feel void of energy and barely can get out if bed. And then the day after that, where im on grind mode finding more ways to come up with some money. Because this time is going to be different, this time Im not going to the casino. I called talking stick to be excluded. They said I have to go through the gambling commission. It seems like a huge process and a lot of work. I am a very scared that Ill have learned enough this time to be able to control myself, and then when everythings good. Ill have a weak moment and I'll end up going back to the slots.
Hello Lakayla,
Well done for reaching out and sharing your story.
You mentioned that you are in Phoenix, if you mean Arizona USA, you might want use local support too https://problemgambling.az.gov/ You disclosed that you have a history of depression and that you've sometimes felt like killing yourself. You could talk about any suicidal feelings with the suicide prevention lifeline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Many of our forum members have found that opening up to their family and closest friends has been an important part of their recovery, and sometimes also using the support of their doctor and using local therapy services and Gamblers Anonymous meetings. Another possible resource for you could be gamblingtherapy.org as they offer recovery support for people based outside Britain https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/en
You mentioned that your local self-exclusion procedures seem to require a lot of effort on your part; it could be worth that effort though if it helps to protect you from further episodes of problem gambling.
Take care,
Forum Admin.
Thank you
Hi Lakayla,
Well done on reaching out, seems pretty clear your a compulsive gambler like myself. Like any addiction you have to really want to stop and commit to recovery. Find your nearest GA meeting and make it a part of your weekly routine. The more support you have in battling this the better as its not an easy journey. Dont fool yourself into thinking you can control this, you may for short periods but in the long run we go back again and again until we have nothing left.
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