Hi all,
My partner is a gambler and something we have been working at for over 2 years now. Lots of ups and downs. The last 6 months was the greatest yet. We had come so far. He sees a counsellor every 3-4 weeks, I control all his finances now. In the past month he has relapsed (which I think was triggered by an ankle injury), no where near as bad as before but he seems to be in a rut he can't get out of. The lies have started again, and he has found people who don't know about his addiction to lend money from.
Obviously it is effecting myself too and our relationship. I feel different this time, like it's time to walk away now, while I am young. I hate to say it but he is holding me back and I'm scared if I keep trying I will miss out on all the things I want. ie house kids travel... etc.
His job is very full on and I am really trying to encourage him to open up with his boss and his work partner about his situation as I really believe it will help, but he just shuts me down that it is not an option. That he doesn't want anyone to know from work about his private life. Another red flag I have is footy season coming up. He often travels interstate on weekends to play football. These people he plays football with have no idea about his addiction. It make me feel sick him travelling up there alone, drinking and betting with 'footy boys'. And therefore causing more debt and people he owes money too which will result in lies and trying to find the money. I have mentioned this to him, and my fear and anxiety around this. And thought that maybe the solution for the time being is he can only go to the games that I am also able to travel with him. He just gets angry at me and calls me controlling, and that he will make the rules and it will be his way. 🙁
Are these requests too unreasonable? Am I in the wrong/ controlling him too much?
I would love to know other strategies people have put into place to help their partners with gambling, or how to build trust again, which is something I just do not have at the moment. I have mentioned GA meetings, again apparently that 'wont be happening'.
I am so sad, I just think sometimes I need to leave. But I do love him so much. And I am so scared that he literally wont survive if I do. 🙁
@c8j43l7h1w well done for your post.
If you leave him you will survive and actually get stronger for the experience. Though you may find it hard to believe that right now.
I am not telling you to actually leave him, only you can decide that. But if he is lying to you is this really the man you want to have kids with and invest your future?
I am a compulsive gambler, so I really have no freedom of speech. It is a very invasive addition. One thing I absolutely know is that only I can stop gambling, noone can do it for me. So far I have stopped, but my wife and kids couldn't make me do it, I had to make the change.
Your partner won't stop lying and gambling. Not until he wants to. He may never want stop so badly that that he actually does.
He is not your responsibility to find strategies to make him stop. Only he can do that.
One thing I was told in recovery is to 'love myself'. Because of this I don't want to hurt myself by gambling.
With respect, maybe you need to love yourself and respect yourself and not be emotionally investing in someone who is going to hurt you.
Thank you for your response, and I think you are right. I think I invest way to much into it and I need to take a step back and let him stand on his own two feet. I am away for this month for work, so I am going to just spend this time to reflect on everything and my future etc. I will take a step back from trying to 'fix' him, and see what he does himself over this time I am away...
I completely feel what you are going through. I've been with my partner for 6 years and his addiction has been so overwhelming at times. I feel it has completely changed who I am, and I Don't like the person it's turned me into - a worrying, untrusting and emotional wreck. His issues have given me such anxiety and although we do discuss it sometimes quite openly I think I'm finally at breaking point. He's never stolen from me personally to afford his habit so I do think that's one thing that has helped to keep us together for so long. I'm 35 now, no kids and I'm at the point in my life where now I'm starting to panic that this willcontinuento be my life if I stay with him. The ups and downs, the depression, the lies are all having such an affect on my mental health too. I too am told I am controlling him too much, invest too much time worrying about what he's up to, and should be focusing on myself and my own happiness.
My partner and myself have had so many conversations over the years, promises to change, promises to talk about urges but I feel like honestly that those changes are always temporary. I love my partner but I am at breaking point now, and feel such hurt every time I find out he's done it again. (Especially as he's previously promised to tell me when it's happened).
I don't feel your requests are unreasonable at all, you are just showing you're trying to support and care for him but it does sound like maybe he isn't ready to make any changes just yet. I feel sometimes they try to convince themselves they want to give up and have gambling out of their lives when really they just don't want to.
I also have the fear of 'he won't cope unless he has me', and if I'm not in his life who knows where he'll end up, but at the end of the day you have a life too, you've tried so hard to help that there's not much else you can do to support someone going through this that is unwilling to make changes.
I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you, but I thought I would just share that you're not alone with what you're going through. I really hope your situation gets better and that you do what's best for you whatever that may be.
@gym7znj2qx this really resonated with me. I’m 34- 35 in May- and have no kids and not married. Spent the last three years with a gambler and am starting over.
it’s really scary. I know I’ve made the right choice but you just worry that things won’t work out. He’s already met someone new- someone else who can feed his addiction when I no longer could.
Good luck to you.
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