My son is a compulsive gambler

Hi there , I'm sorry to hear your story of your sons addiction , I'm not qualified by any means to answer your question's but being a compulsive gambler myself , I am able to give you my take on thing's .

What's a compulsive gambler ?. I think in most of our cases it's just about not being able to control it anymore , we bet and bet and bet and cannot stop . We will beg , steal and borrow in order to fund our addiction and we dont usually have a stop button until the money runs out .

With us when we start gambling it's much the same as anyone else , it's fun and exciting and we get a real buzz when we win, just like somebody having a pound each way on a grand national winner once a year .

Our problem starts when it stops being fun !, our brains most definately like the buzz thats for sure , problem is in order to keep getting that buzz we gamble more and more , however much we gamble, that buzz or high that we first experienced is never the same , never as good as it was when we started betting .

So we bet more and we bet bigger, always chasing that feeling and the strange thing is that it then stops being about the money ! , if we win it just gives us more money to gamble with , thats why as compulsive gamblers , we can never win , because we can never stop !.

I think gamcare is right though , although you love your son and are willing to bail him out , by doing so are actually feeding his addiction , He needs to realise the consiquenses of his actions , all the time you help with his late payments he gets the green light to keep betting !.

The problem you have is that until he feels he needs help or admits to having a problem it's proberbly not going to change !, maybe stopping the money may make him realise what he's doing and come to his senses ?, time for some tough love perhaps ?

I hope this has maybe given you some insight into how our brain works ?, it might also be worth you posting on the family and friends section of the forum for support from others in a similar situation to yourself ?

Sorry I couldn't be more help ! Best wishes ........................... Alan

Hi, I just wanted to say a few words that may help. Again like Alan in the other post I'm not a qualified expert but what I am is the same age as your son and a compulsive gambler.

Sadly your sons actions are very similar to my own. Being a younger women At the start I was in denial and like others was being stereotypical towards how I thought a gambler might be "an older man always at his local". Oh how wrong I was sadly the online world plays a huge part on this and gambling sites are in easy reach 24/7. Whilst I would find it difficult to go to a local betting shop and hand over the actual cash it felt far easier to press a few buttons to deposit, then of course I would see the bank balance the following day.

A compulsive gambler to me is someone who can no longer control their limits and will never have any chance of winning gambling or not as any winnings are again played until the balance is again back to zero. This to me defines the terms compulsive. I am sure your son would have won a few times here and there but did not walk away this is when it proves that the control has been lost. Anyone who gambles as we all are told should only bet when it is financially stable to do so by setting limits. This is the difference between when someone can afford to place a bet or when someone may be placing a bet they can't afford. This then leads to unpaid bills and then the person losing further control by depositing further amounts in the chance that they could win big and everything will be paid and no one will know. This is me for sure and it seems your son may be similar.

I don't believe that by paying his bills you are helping him sadly however I understand being a mum of two boys myself being in that position is very difficult. Once your son is aware that his bills are mounting up he will be one step closer to facing reality and admitting he has a problem. Until then you sadly aren't really able to do anything to help except express your concerns. Once he has come to terms with the fact he may have a gambling problem you can then maybe help financials resolve by coming to an agreement whereby tools can come into help depending upon the situation, for example; if he lives In your household block gambling sites by using software such as K9. This is something I myself have done.

Have you noticed your sons mood change quite unexpected at particular times or anything?

kind regards L

Hi WCID. I am the mom of a 26 yr old son who is also a compulsive gambler. As the others have said there really is nothing you can do or say that is going to get him to stop. Its a decision he must come to on his own... his life has to have become unmanageable . You can ,however, help him to reach this point quicker by letting him face the consequences of his gambling. Hard for a mom I know but if it all just keeps working out and the bills keep getting paid there really is no reason for him to stop. Please find yourself some support at a Gam Anon group. It will help to give you the support you need as this is very tough to go thru alone!

Hi, WCID,

The problem is that there's nothing you can do to get him to admit that he has a problem and needs help. This is true of all addiction. What you can do is move away from letting his continual crises rule your life and determine the extent of your happiness. You can take control over how you respond to him. On the basis that as adults you are responsible for what you do and he is responsible for what he does, you've no reason to feel guilty for tough love.

We've all done it but the bailouts don't help. And in my experience, memories are short and you don't get much thanks for sacrificing your hard earned cash!

What will help you is accurate information. You've already had some sensible answers to this post and no doubt you'll get more. The helpline and counselling are useful but my experience is that GamAnon meetings are well worth the effort and their literature is v useful. Active gamblers who can't see past the next fix are v manipulative, they'll say anything but their prayers to muddy the waters and they'll have you believe that gambling £1,300 or even £13,000 is nothing to worry about, you're fussing, you're nagging...they really think that the solution to all financial problems is one successful bet away. So no problem. But they can't win because they can't stop. That's why £10 does hurt. And unchecked, as you've realised, it does get worse and worse. That's why you need information to counteract the your son's misinformation to you.

If you read this forum on the Friends & Family section, there' a lot of support, AS67 and others are in your position. No magic answers, though.

Put yourself first, take care,

CW

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply. I know this is an illness he has. I have not shouted or raised my voice at him I have tried to talk to him but he is on the defensive and yes his mood has changed especially towards me. I feel like the big bad mother. When trying to talk to him the other night his words were you're doing my (swear word) head in. I can't help approaching the subject daily with him but am I making it worse, then I think no this is not my fault. I'm confused. I will also join the family page.

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to reply. I know this is an illness he has. I have not shouted or raised my voice at him I have tried to talk to him but he is on the defensive and yes his mood has changed especially towards me. I feel like the big bad mother. When trying to talk to him the other night his words were you're doing my (swear word) head in. I can't help approaching the subject daily with him but am I making it worse, then I think no this is not my fault. I'm confused. I will also join the family page.

Hi, again,

Aggression is a well used tactic, when faced with it, the instinct is to back off to keep the peace. And no good comes of doing so, it took me a long time and cost us (me and the children) a lot to realise that. That's why I really recommend GamAnon and or counselling, so that you can recognise what's going on when you interact with him and think about/learn coping strategies. Still no magic answers.

He's living in your house, you're supporting him? Putting his meal on the table? Giving your money for his debts? And he's swearing at you? And trying to have you believe that this is acceptable behaviour?

The behaviour of an active addict is a nightmare to live with but the rock/hard place question for the f&f is how much to tolerate. No easy answers to that one!

Take care,

CW

Hi WCID,

I am a CG in recovery, but I also have 2 sons that do gamble, (both gambled before I got addicted).

I would say now due to my personal experience of this horrible addiction, that they are both in semi recovery, because they both still gamble but within their means at this time. Neither son has thought that they had/have a problem, even when they both stole money, jewellery, and anything they could get their hands on from me.

One son lost his wallet with his wages in it, nearly every week, or the other excuse was he had not been paid, he was on weekly

pay at that time, and he was living with me. I did not see his problem, maybe because I did not want to, so apart from him stealing from me, I was also lending (giving really) because I never got it back, I was feeding his addiction, I knew nothing about how this addiction works back then.

You have been given some good advice already, but I would like to add, as I believe your son still lives with you, apart from not lending him any money, or paying his debts off(that is important to not pay his debts off as well as not giving him any money)

for your own well being you must not leave temptation out anywhere, your money, your bank card, in fact anything of value, must be kept out of harms way, CGs are more than capable of taking/stealing things that don't belong to them.

I know this may seem harsh and upsetting, but believe me to help your son, is by not helping him and not letting him help himself.

Try and concentrate with your emotions on his addiction, and not him personally, this will keep you strong,

Tough love is needed from us Mums, nothing we say will make the slightest difference, Infact if anything it makes their addiction somewhat resent us,

I am there unconditionally for both my sons, I just want them to be happy with themselves, but I do not even now, lend or give them one penny, when they are struggling, I give them my ears and my love and support and it is working.

I wish you the very best with your son, and do not ever think you have done something wrong, you have not, this is not your fault.

Take care of you, so you can be there for your son

Suzanne x

Thankyou everyone. He works away from home and is back every two weeks. I have started to open his post, letters from missed car payments come monthly. I am scared they will take his car away and then he will loose his job. My biggest fear is if he gets so low he will harm himself, this is why I keep bailing him out. He got paid £1200 last week and instead of paying the owed money on his car he chose to gamble and go out 2 nights drinking with his friends. He has always worked hard since he left school, never missing work and could have a good life on the money he earns. I do have access to his bank account as before I knew about the gambling we helped him out with paying debts on the condition he let us be on his bank account. When I saw he had been paid £1200 then the balance kept going down I took £500 from his account so he would have money to pay the car with. He went mad with me says I stole his money. I said calmly that he cud have it back on Monday to pay his car with. A letter came today saying he had missed car payment. He says it's my fault. I said no it isn't my fault I took it as you would have spent it and had nothing left by Monday and his priority shud have been to pay his loan on payday Thursday not Monday. I'm starting to realise I need to say it as it is instead of P***y footing around. Oh and it's also my fault he's started smoking! To which I replied 'so it must be your fault why I eat chocolate then!'

Hi, again,

He is responsible for what he does, you are responsible for what you do. Nothing that you do or say makes him gamble, smoke or even drink but the flip side of the same coin is that you can't control what he does, you can't make him stop. You need to look after yourself.

re the threat of self harm, many f&f feel tied in by it and the threat can be real. It's a question of finding ways of offering support without being held to ransom. Not easy.

CW

Thankyou for your kind words Dean8008, my husband an I have counted novembers online bets which is £1300 over the month on online gambling. There was 47 bets ranging from £5 to £50 some days spending £170. also by the pattern of his cash withdrawals I think he is gambling in betting shops as well. It was upsetting to see such sporadic spending. This is when I knew it was a problem. I am still trying to get him to admit he has a problem six days down the line but he is having none of it. I know this is going to get worse especially with Christmas coming up. His credit report will be zero as he has defaulted on so many payments on car, phone, pay day loans. I have told him all of this. He is burying his head in the sand. I will keep plodding along hopefully getting through to him.

Hi again,

You will get a lot of different advice, all I can do is give you my own experience of me being a CG (over nineteen months gamble free now) and the experience with both sons, who thank goodness never got to my stage.

Please don't think your son will harm himself if you don't bail him out, you will be doing more damage by helping him out and paying his bills, and this will keep/put you totally into the Shxte with him, because you will be worrying even more,

As CGs to start recovery we have to let go of our losses and therefore our gambling, and as I am on the other side of the fence, as well ( dealing with both sons) I have let go of their debts, I stand on the outside looking in (if that makes sense) I don't jump in now to supposedly save them, I am saving them by saying NO to them about anything to do with their money, now, I used to torture myself worrying about the debt they were in, and did I get any thanks, no the more we give CGs the more they blame and resent us because they can't stop.believe me I have been there, I did not want sympathy whilst in the grip of gambling and I certainly did not want it when I started my recovery, and I still would not want it now ;))

Cut his lifeline to gambling, not by sorting his money/debt out but by not getting involved in that side of it whatsoever, underneath he will respect you for this, and he will then work it out for himself,

This are just my thoughts and experiences, and I do hope this helps you understand more, the less I give my sons the more I am getting back, if I had kept bailing them out I know they both would be in the place they are now, and they are alive, one is poorly at the mo, but not to do with gambling.

If we over feed a plant it dies, but if we just stand back from the outside checking it and nurturing it quietly, it will grow and thrive, don't over feed your son with making it better for him, the only thing you will be doing is feeding him with his addiction. and he will continue to blame you.

I know it's hard, but there is plenty of support out there as CW suggested and of course this forum.

The only way to help our sons is by not helping them in any way financially, of course this is just my thoughts, you will work it out

how you deal with his compulsive gambling, by getting loads of info and support and I wish you the very best, because know matter what our kids do, we are there for them, that's what Mums do, and you are a great Mum, and again I say this is not your fault, and it's not really your sons, he just got sucked into this addiction, like any one can,

Take care and try not to worry about his debt, it can be sorted out by him, when he is ready, look after you.

Suzanne xx

Thankyou Suzanne and Dean8008

i hear everything you say and thankyou for all of the advice, I know his head must be tormented, if only he would admit he has a problem and take steps to let me help, I have always been there for him and will continue to be, this forum and all the advice from members is helping me and would also help him if he would take a look.

Hey he will when he is ready, yes he will be feeling tormented, Infact it is horrible to be on the inside with this addiction, and even though he snaps and blames you for stuff, he does not want to to tell you, because one he will be feeling ashamed of his actions and two he really does not want to hurt you,

It's a bit like treading on thin glass/ice, with him and obviously you, you know how your sn works, but this addiction, does totally take away our normal personality and rational behaviour, maybe gentle coaxing, without sounding like you are prying or interfering, and by being being on the outside makes you not judgemental, maybe when he can't get his next fix, he will,open up to you,

Sounds daft but please keep strong, poised and positive, of course this is just my thoughts again 😉 but please do not leave anything valuable about. when he is at home.

Take care

Suzanne xxx