Need to start taking responsibility

Update - have made it through day 1 gamble free- am feeling very positive.

Had a good morning watched nature programme with son before school, then Mondays are always busy at work so that was a good distraction!

Am planning to sort out finances later on in the week, need to look at my budget and plan for paying down my debts, but need to make sure I don’t throw too much at it, and leave myself a reasonable amount of disposable income. I feel bad my family miss out on things because of my debt, but need to not use that as an excuse to gamble - one of my biggest problems is chasing loses. I need  to think about the future - a year from now I could be in yet more debt or I could have a years worth of payments paid. I know which position I want to be in.

We have all been there, does your family know about your problem and what you have done.  i too had been gambling for about 6 years I tried to stop twice on my own and only managed a couple of weeks.

This year I had had enough and I knew the only way i could truly get out is to be open and honest, I told them everything, every lie every secret every penny, all the awful things I had done, every one of them was so supportive.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done and for the first two weeks the guilt and shame consumed me, but I honestly believe my motivation to keep going is to not let them down.  I'm only 44 days in but I have not had one urge to gamble since I  came clean.

Put all blocks in place, gamstop, blocked gambling transactions on my bank, cut up my bank card so I cant take cash out and gave myself a £50 apple pay limit.  I get paid, I pay me debts, leave myself £50 for the week, and the rest gores to my partners account.  I believe in myself completely because they do, but I do not trust myself, I am not sure I ever will.

I havn't been this happy and content for such a long long time, the joy in the small things in life is back, no fake smiles, no secret worrying.  Just life.

So if you want to you can and will stop.

Good luck

Thank you -  really good to hear your story and that you are doing so well, it’s great to hear different experiences it really helps me feel less alone in this. 

I’m not in a position to be able to tell my family, but I am very glad to have found this place and will keep checking in for support. 

Day 2 ! And still feeling positive 

Just checking in here to say - day 4 and feeling good !

 I am feeling calmer and happier, and been making plans to start the long overdue big garden sort out over the long weekend.  I am going to need to keep busy over the long weekend, but I am lucky that I have husband and kids around so I can enjoy spending time with them and not waste my precious free time stuck on gambling sites. 

 I always feel better when I am not gambling - not constantly on my phone , and not clock watching for when I can next make a deposit and play. I would sometimes play until I had a migraine , I think unless you know the feeling of getting caught in the gambling trap you can’t explain to people how it becomes a compulsion to keep hitting that button.

Day 11 and still going.  My biggest wobble at the moment is my debt - I keep getting the creeping thought - just do one more try to get your debt covered , but I know this is just the most stupid idea- it will only end in MORE DEBT!!

Right now my level of debt is uncomfortable but manageable - should be gone in 4 years, if I get into any more debt then it’s going to go really really bad with repayments as they will start being unaffordable.

I am definitely not wanting to wish my life away so am not thinking of “get to next year” am just trying to look at the bigger picture of in a year you will be a year closer to being out of debt.

I am also continuing to read all your updates and stories and it really does help.

This forum is an amazing place, I found the recovery diaries helped me in my first couple of weeks, I think sometimes just knowing you are not the problem, it is the disease and it effects thousand of people daily, it helps.  Just keep taking that strength and motivation into each and every day.