New and in need of advice please!hi

Hi, Nicky,

Sorry to hear what trouble you're in. Don't take what follows as a lack of sympathy, my husband is a CG who did plenty of damage, been there. But it's not unlimited sympathy you need, it's help and support so that you can help yourself. Sooner rather than later.

Your OH is not going to change any time soon, no matter what you say, or how much you cry, because he has a gambling addiction, he has access to funds and he doesn't need anything to change. Stop trying to get through to him, divert your energies, it's down to you to save yourself and the children, focus on that. You're not alone, we can support and encourage you but changing your situation has to come from you. And there are no prizes for putting up with the unacceptable - I never had any.

The three Cs of living with addiction: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. It's not your fault but you do need to take action if you are to avoid being dragged down with him. You can't get a blue pill for him to take that will make him stop and wake up. If he intends to gamble, then you're in for more of the same. And if your rent arrears are gambled away, you will end up on the streets.

Start by getting help for you. If any of the kids are old enough, rope them in. Phone the helpline here, go to the CAB and the Council to see what emergency housing is available to you. If you can borrow money to service the arrears, do it. But anything he handles will be gambled. If you're having stress related problems or depression, go to your GP. Tell trusted friends or family members, stop trying to carry the burden alone. You have to look after yourself first.

Longer term, go to group support meetings, GamAnon is very good at teaching how not to be taken over by someone else's addiction.

re his mother, you may well find that she does indeed know but he has pursuaded her to keep quiet to protect you.

Hope some of this helps, take care, let us know the outcome.

CW

Hi Nikki

Its an excellent site. You will get a lot of support here and learn a lot.

You will learn that he needs to be ready and reach out for help. You will also see how strong an addiction is but it can be beaten with the right help. You need to KNOW he is being honest or its a tougher battle

He will need to be ready to block things and let you manage the finances. he needs to prove himself again and his biggest asset is honesty. He needs to be fully honest with you and discuss his feelings

Try and get him to rationalise what he has done because it just sounds crazy in the cold light of day. Thats what a gambling addiction does.

You also need to be fully aware, not naive in any way and able to protect your own finances. It takes love and a particular brand of tough love.

At this stage you need to take stock and ensure there is no more borrowing. All avenues of borrowing off mates, his mother and loan companies must be shut down.

Time location or money must be shut down effectively and then he cant gamble without extreme difficulty and being found out

You can go with him to self exclude but you must keep a close eye and he will need to be living on a sandwich allowance. Ideally it would be a good idea to tell his mum but I dont know the relationship and maybe he should do it

Anyway keep reading the forum and plenty of people will help you

Ring gamcare and have a look at the partners section on the forum

Best wishes

Hi Nikki

im also a new member and no doubt you will get help about your partners addiction.

Is it possible for you to take control or take proportions of his finance to try and reduce the amount spent? Is it just horses and football? Does he realise how much it's effecting you and the rest of the family?

vs