New here

Dear Vera,

Well done for reaching out for support on the forum. It sounds like a tough situation to be in. 

I am sure you will a lot of support and advice from some of the other great forum users but if you would like to talk things through in confidence,  I would encourage you to call our Helpline where you can speak to one of our Advisors on 0808 8020 133 or  our 1:1 Livechat are both open 24 hours every day. 

Many thanks

John 

Forum Admin

Hi Vera,

It's going to be tough. As an addict I was a liar, thief, manipulator and many other negative things. When confronted I would deny and switch the emphasis of the argument to make it seem like it was my wife's issue.

Best advice - Be firm, but not aggressive. Concentrate on the issue rather than the person. Explain your concerns and ask him what he thinks is reasonable. Chances are he'll close off and deflect the situation. Be patient and insist it has to be dealt with. If you get personal, there is no way he will co-operate.

Most importantly protect yourself financially. If you haven't got a personal bank account get one and put as much money in there as you can. Part of my recovery was putting £30k of some inheritance money into my wife's account (my choice). The addict in me hated it, but I am so glad I did it as it finally gave some financial respect to my wife after years of gambling most 'spare' cash away. At least now we have money for house improvements/holidays.

Good luck!

Hi Vera 

it’s tricky as gamblers when active and more often losing, they are volatile.

think about how you can safeguard finances. Do credit reports for all agencies.

pick a time to talk when he’s calm, not destracted. Don’t apportion blame. Offer emotional support and help, don’t pay debts. Tell him how it makes you feel. If it gets heated, stop, say you’ll talk another time. Or you could write it down.

do some research first. You can talk to gamcare or go online and join a Gamanon meeting, go to their website.

get yourself prepared, make sure you’re safe.

@vera Hi. From memory my wife never approached me about it, it always came out whenever I royally mucked up, and I had to tell her before she found out. She would check in on me when I was doing okay but because I had no secrets I didn't mind the conversation. 

If I had been gambling though I was so good at convincing myself and her that it was okay and not a problem that she would have believed me. I think we all want to believe in the best, not the worse, so we accept what we're told because it's easier to live a lie than face the truth.

You'll know how he might react anyway but for your own sanity it's better to know one way or another so just ask but also follow up with a question or proof afterwards. If he says he's only gambling a fiver a week or whatever is acceptable, ask to see proof. Ask to look at the betting account or bank account. If there are excuses you'll know it's a problem. How you deal with that is for another day.

Chris.

Hi vera, it's very difficult to say what his reaction will be. There are a lot of factors that will influence how he reacts. For me when  I got found out and backed into a corner I was contrite, tearful, kept apologising and I told my husband everything......but I had  wanted to stop, desperately for a few weeks but I didn't know how to and I couldn't find the words to tell him. He was very angry but ultimately helped me work through stopping. However had that happened a few months previously it would have been a different story I would of lied deceived manipulated and lied some more. Hope things work out how you want them to. Best wishes

Hi Vera and Welcome to the forum.

My best advice is pick your moment when you have prepared what you want to say and have built a support network around you.

Its a difficult one because you don't want him gambling and he gambles which is a direct opposition of views. I'm afraid that equals some form of confrontation.

You know him better than us so its how he takes confrontation and how he deals with it.

He needs reality checks and you can not be a shrinking violet about this problem. You have to tell him at some point that gambling is not acceptable to you...perhaps write him a letter when you are staying at your mums or somewhere

We assume you would be safe to confront the problem and you can give yourself options depending on his response.

Can you speak to your family and friends for support?

A gambling addiction is an illness and he wont like being asked to stop unless he is ready to see the light and change.

He needs to realise you are important and he is not free to destroy himself because he will take you on that hell ride as he has been doing

You may need some space from him but how you handle it is entirely your decision.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thank you for the advice

Thanks to everyone who has replied and given advice. We have addressed his gambling in the past and he's actually given up a few times in the past 20 years as that's how long we've lived with this problem. But in the past 8 years I just have let things go even though I know what's going on really. I suppose I don't ask because I don't want to be lied to!  So yes, I am a shrinking violet and avoid it!  Although lately I just know it can't go on much longer and I'm getting depressed about it. Just wish I had a life of emotional and financial security. I suppose I am enabling him by turning a blind eye. Thanks again