New here.. this is my story and need advice

Hi  DTH67 welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing your experiences, I can understand how stressful it may be for you at this time so am glad you have reached out for support.

Have you considered 121 support where you can talk to a Practitioner about your gambling behaviour and begin to understand why you gamble. You clearly have a determination and ability to manage the behaviour but would benefit from support you can refer yourself via the 24 hour National Helpline on 0808 802 0133 and speak with an Advisor.

I would also suggest you speak with your G.P. about the impact of your gambling on your mental wellbeing and sleep which can have an impact on you physically and emotionally.

You have shared that you can not 'break the news' to your wife that you have accumulated a gambling debt. If you decide that you want to share this information with her then please consider Relate a Couples Counselling Service Couples Counselling and Relationship Counselling for Individuals | Relate that may be able to support you both.

At GamCare we do offer a free service of Affected Other Support for Family and Friends affected by someone else's gambling behaviour and they can make a referral via the 24 Hour helpline on 0808 802 0133 and also access support via the chat room. GamCare - The leading provider of support for anyone affected by problem gambling in Great Britain This link also provides you with the timetable of other chatrooms that you can access for support.

Also there are blocking software of GamStop and Gamban that you can put on your devices if you are gambling online and speak your bank and credit card company about blocking gambling transactions on your accounts.

Self-exclusion - GamCare

You have taken a positive step in sharing your story and I wish you all the best on your recovery journey and hope you continue to access all the support that is available as you can reduce any gambling harms and achieve your goals.

Rets

Forum Admin

Been there mate. You are at the stage of gambling when money means nothing. Win or lose, its just about escaping. From what? I don't know. That's personal to your story. For me it came to a head, just like you where I decided to blow my entire wage packet, bonus included, in one sitting. I knew it would leave me nothing for the month, and I knew I would have to come clean to my then wife. It cost me everything. My relationship, my home, my life I'd worked so hard for. I now have a hatred of gambling, probably thanks to this, and that has helped me focus. I'm not sharing this to say here's what could happen to you, but more to show you what could happen if you don't change. You've come here which is step 1. Please take the Gamcare help and advice. Use blocking tools on everything. Attend meetings or get phone support. Talk to someone. If you cant tell your wife, use my story as the fear you need to really tackle this head on. 

You have the perfect life, you just have a hidden addiction. You can have an even better life if you can beat this, but it needs a huge commitment from you. It can be done, you can do it with or without support, but it is so much easier if you can engage with someone. If that is just by keeping a diary on here, then at least its something. I couldn't sleep or eat in my tougher times, but now I'm nearly 5 months gamble free, I sleep like a baby! The stress gambling brings cant be underestimated. We go there for stress release and it only brings us more stress. Change up you routine. When you would gamble, go for a walk, read a book, spend time with family. Break the routine you've trained your brain into. That's half the battle.

Good luck. Keep us updated. You're journey can help so many others who are afraid to be open about their own issues, and I guarantee there are so many people in the same spot as you. I was not long ago.

Stay strong 👍  

Thanks, I appreciate the comments.

You’re correct that it is an escape. I’ve not been fully happy/comfortable with myself since being a teenager (the last 17 years). I don’t like who I am. I wouldn’t say that made me start gambling but it certainly took my mind off things and I feel in my own wee bubble when gambling. I also tend to gamble when there is change in my life or when I have things on my mind that I worry about. My escape is to gamble as I really struggle to open up and talk to anyone. My low self esteem etc would really hit home when I was drinking. I am not a big drinker at all and only really drink if I have an event or a night out every few months. I never drink in the house. However, when I do drink it’s to the point that I am so drunk and I then start wandering off myself and then just ignore any messages or calls from my wife. I like just walking with my own thoughts, it was my escape. I’ve been sober since December 2023, albeit I am not a big drinker as I said. I made a promise to my wife that I would stop drinking as I would worry her when out as I would ignore her messages and calls. 

I tend to gamble to the pooint where I know I need to stop i.e. when I know my savings are fully wiped out if I pay off my credit card debt. That’s the situation I am in just now and was back in 2021. Currently in £10k of credit card debt which fortunately I can pay off. However, I can’t bring myself to tell my wife as I will lose her and my family. I also fear the embarrassment I will bring to my wife and my family. The shame and embarrassment I will bring to them when they need to tell people why my marriage ended is due to my gambling. This fear is then causing me to gamble more as I want to recoup the £10k I’ve lost and pay off my debt asap so I don’t need to open up to my wife.

Over the years I’ve actually been able to control my gambling at certain points. For instance when I knew I was buying my first house I didn’t gamble for 18 months. In 2021 when I told me wife I was £10k in debt I stopped gambling then (although she wasn’t aware the debt was due to gambling). I used GamStop and didn’t gamble online for 2 years, however would visit bookies but I would never spend more than £10. It was controlled and just fun. 
 
We had a baby in 2023 and this is when I started gambling heavily online again as I found a way to gamble again. Again this was a big change in my life and as I was up for hours each night with a new born I started gambling online again and have lost 10k since October. I gambled to pass the time and it’s just gotten worse since then. As you said it doesn’t even feel like money now when online as it’s not in front of me. I got such a buzz being up last weekend and then losing that within 24 hours almost felt like nothing but the days after it hits home what I’ve done.

As I said I have a nice life from the outside - lovely family, nice house in an affluent area, a really good job, nice car and go on nice holidays but for some reason it’s not enough. Something in my brain is always telling me I need more and I also gamble due to that.

Sorry I’ve just went on a rant and you’re not a therapist but I had to get this off my chest.

Hi JH67,

Your post resonated with me. It’s a weird feeling - liking a lot of aspects of your life but not necessarily yourself or some aspects of your life (do you feel they could be better ?) and not entirely understanding why (maybe deep down you do know the real reason).

For me - it came down to not liking myself in terms of physique and the wanting / need to be accepted and liked by others (took a lot to admit that on a forum). I found when I trained / gym’s I was a a much happier person and as I saw the changes I also became more confident. Pre my relapse this is what helped me and filled that temporary equivalent rush you get from gambling but was much more sustainable feeling of happiness. It’s now time for me to start that again. 

Well done for recognising the problem and doing something about it.

It will get better pal.

A