New member. Relapsed again last night...

Thanks mate, 

I will show her at some point but might sound a bit silly but don't feel ready to be forgiven yet at this point. Still have a lot of work to do and things to put in place first. I can't keep letting her down and making false promises.

7 days  GAMBLE FREE.

That went by fast. Still so much to do and so much to learn...

Today I booked in 3 months of personal training. I can't lie and say I'm looking forward to it, but I'm sure it will help. I also went for a run and then I ordered a pizza. Derby on tonight but I've stopped drinking for the time being whilst I get a little perspective on whats happened...

Things are better with my partner but I still feel awful and not yet ready to be forgiven but I know this will improve in time if I keep making positive steps. 

Feeling better today...

Thanks guys 

Day 8... 

Last night I didn't sleep whatsoever. Finally got 3 hours this morning at 7pm. I was watching TV....

Just one more episode...

Just one more episode...

Just one more episode...

Reminder you anything?

From a positive standpoint, managed to watch the football with no urge to gamble and I've a date set to start my personal training. My counselling assessment is tomorrow. I've left the house for two small runs over the past few days and I'll aim to get another done this evening.

Starting Russell Brands book on recovery shortly. I've done AA and although it's great and helped me last year, it's not what I need right now. Looking forward to starting this book, it's been on the shelf for a while and is graffitied with the notes of my partner who continues to make positive changes to her life which I hope I can follow.

Feels great having a place to share, whether people are reading or not, it's helping me - thank you.

Well done on your recovery Fifthteenthousand, sounds like you are great progress! And please fdo keep sharing your experiences during recovery.  Great to hear it's helping you.

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Hi, you are doing so well, i wish i had your willpower i have booked counselling too this morning that will be hard for me to go as i struggle to even get out of the house due to my anxiety but i need to do something my partner thinks i can stop just like that because he used to have a drink problem and he just stopped with no help, he seems to think i can do the same but i can't i do not have willpower.

Hi, Hows it going 

Day 11...

Hi guys - sorry for the radio silence. Super busy over the weekend, bereavements in the family unfortunately so visiting my cousins.

Still no gambling...

However I appreciate it's not these first few weeks thats the issue. I know I can abstain - but can I abstain INDEFINITELY? 

So I'm back and will keep coming back as it's a daily reminder of what I did, what I lost, what I've nearly lost and what I'm trying to get back.

I'm working SO hard to get back all I've lost and I know I can replace the money. Pride, shame are different emotions that are harder to control. It's not getting much easier in that department. 

Hope everyone is well.

I find the money aspect a side issue now, I know this has to be forever and if I can tame that demon voice telling me to gamble the money sorts itself out.

changing attitudes and mindset to life helps, keep going.

Thanks for the reply and for reading 🙂 

Just checking back in today it's actually Day 13, not that the days really matter or make a difference when you're looking to abstain completely. 

Not much to report today - had conversation with my partner about the future and her reservations, etc. Just really difficult to say what she wants to hear. Fed up of lying so I'd rather say nothing. We're not getting on very well but I hope we can get through this.

In a positive note, I've also started dieting, lost a bit of weight and can leave the house easily without anxiety. Things are improving in some respects but just feel a bit flat at the moment. Have my uncles funeral on Friday so with that hanging over me just feel a bit down I guess.

See you tomorrow everyone ! X

Day 15....

Over two weeks now, doesn't feel that long but it is what it is!

Had my first personal training session this morning. I usually go to be really late and wake up around 10 am so decided to start at 7.30 in order to try and break that habit. Glad to get started at something else and take my minds of things. Bumped into an old friend at the gym, actually the first time I enjoyed speaking to someone in two weeks.

Funeral tomorrow for my uncle, not really looking forward to that. 

Counselling is booked in for May 10th, really can't wait to get started! 

Have a good weekend everyone.

18 days now since my last monumental f**k up which I'm still reminded of daily thankfully. Obviously getting a little relaxed as each day goes by which just leads into more dangerous territory...

The fact it's take me 3 days to get back here when I said I would write each day is a stern reminder of that. It kind of reminds of AA where they say if you don't work the programme then bad habits will creep back in. Well thats true. Thankfully I've still not gambled but it's the small things and I'm by no means a well man at this point.

I'm trying though. 

Went for a lovely walk with friends today and had another sober pal round who has just hit his 100 days alcohol free. It was so inspiring to see him and his progress and really made my day and made me think about my own progress hard this afternoon.

Can't wait for my counselling to start but it couldn't come sooner as each day that passes you forget that feeling and it clouds your judgement as that devil creeps back into your mind and starts whispering that its ok. It's fine to have one small bet, why shouldn't you be allowed. etc etc. I'm sure you all know exactly what I mean. For now, he's kept at bay and I live to fight another day, until tomorrow where it starts again. 

Have great bank holiday everyone, thanks for reading.

Thank you Dave, this was a humbling and important post for me to read and I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to share.

I personally have a long journey of discovery ahead of me and I still feel like I have a part of me thats trying to avoid it, the truth is, I too am scared and ultimately probably don't want to make the sacrifices required to abstain from not just gambling but other vices too - drinking, drugs, general immaturity and elements of arrested development. 

Theres been some positive changes but I feel like I'm lying to myself and I know the measures I have in place are not infallible to future failures and disappointments. 

I still think I know better than most if not all, the tendencies I have are sociopathic at best and psychopathic at worst, and for this maybe there isn't a cure and it's something I will have to learn to live with. I wonder whether it's fair to expect or want someone else to live with me when I consider the true depths of my real self. The true being I try to avoid and negate. I sleep with the background noise to prevent real thought and ensure my real feelings are repressed. When I attempt to tackle them I'm left bewildered by the lack of empathy and emotion I have for anything. I don't know how to change this and thats ultimately where the true fear lies...

Maybe counselling will help this, maybe counselling will enable these tendencies to develop in a negative manner. I guess I can only try. 

In positive news, I'm training and eating well. I'm sober. I haven't gambled. I'm healthy and alive.

My first session is on Friday so I'll look forward to that. 

Quick update from me...

59 days in now. 
Counselling going well, I've gone for one monthly to extend the time frame - think it's the best thing for me.
Lost over a stone now at the gym and training. A new addiction almost but at least a healthy one if nothing else.

Hope everyone is well and keeping strong.

Enjoy your weekend.!

Hows it going guys - hope everyone is well. Been over a month since I've posted but thought I would check in. Turns out I'm 90 days gamble free.

Feel good, lost over 2 stone. Working hard. Not tempted to gamble.

It is possible to change... 

.... but I know I'm not cured. 

Well done mate hows the relationship going?