Well, im back – almost 3 years to the day... crazy stuff. Quick recap, I came on here in complete despair - with no hope for the future, in 10's of thousands of pounds worth of debt, and a complete black outlook on life. I was a real mess.
I only stayed on the forum for a few months – I couldn't keep coming on as it reminded me of gambling too much, but it helped me get my life back. I used the counseling service – which was amazing – any newbies – if you can and you need it, don't be scared it was such a great help.
Anyway my life moved on, I told my partner, I got a new job, had a baby 🙂 and started to pay my debts back... things were good. So why am I back?
I am ashamed to say that in the past few months I can feel myself slipping back into my old ways, I know exactly why... my contract on my job is up in a few weeks and I am stressing about the future, I want to block the worry out, and online slots are the way I do it... they allow me complete freedom from the stress and worry of everyday life...that is until I loose, although to be honest, winning at the moment makes it worse – I find it easy to dislike the slots when I am losing, give me one good win and I think I can sort out my future if I can just better it the next time... yeah right, I am sure we have all been there – chasing the win, and then chasing the loss!!!. anyway debts are building up again, and my self worth is fading.
Thing is I am not going to let it get the better of me this time. I know the signs and I need to put a stop to it now. I have my health and more importantly my little boy to worry about. If I am going to waste money it needs to be on him!. I am not going to let the gaming companies take any more of my hard earned cash.
I know how helpful this forum was to me before, and I know – if I didn't own up to what I was up to now (to myself more than anyone else) I would end up going down the route I did before, and I NEVER want to be the broken person I was 3 years ago. So I guess I have come on here for a kick up the rear... a reminder that there are other options, and hopefully the chance to help others... I doubt I will be back every day, but I am going to keep checking in. I may/may not start a diary.. small steps and all, but for me this was the first one.
Wishing you all good luck on your journey...
Hi needtomoveon and welcome back.
I first joined the forum back in 2012, posted for a while then thought I was 'cured'. Returned in 2014 for a short stint then fell of the wagon again. I'm back on from 36 days ago and don't intend fading away again. The big difference for me this time is attending GA meetings and being totally open and honest with family/friends. I'm also on a waiting list for counselling. I suppose recovery is like anything thing in life - you only get out of it what you put in (unless it's gambling in which case it just takes). I recognise that I'm a CG for life and will never be magically 'cured' and I'm ok with that. The important thing for me is putting 'In Recovery' after the CG.
All the best on your journey
Hi needtomoveon.
I think a lot of it is the family support that realises its always in us to some degree. I fully understand how those twangs of stress break down the barriers and the act of gambling is like a plunge shot injection in the arm.
Anyway I had an interesting test a couple of days ago. I had to take the long way home from a course Ive started because the return minibus wasnt available to me on an induction day.
So I ended up going back via the city centre. I looked around some shops for a while but dont really need anything. The bars were empty and I just felt lonely and a bit stressed in the city crowd...then a couple of pangs started that I could go and gamble in an arcade. They only lasted for a few seconds but for those few seconds it seemed naughty and right to escape the boredom.....as if for a second I was going to be a big shot and there would be flashing lights and excitement.
Then I countered it because I have strength and made my way off to go home. I dont like that city centre and I have arcade history there. I wont be going again.
With strength I just decided to go home where I am much happier. It wasnt really a major upset but it interesting that a brief desire flooded my body for a moment.
Anyway tell your family and keep talking it through. Ive seen enough stories to know it can return years later if we ever let the guard down become complacent or get too stressed like there is no future
Humans naturally worry and gambling is a drug used as an escape for a while.
However in reality it only adds to our problems and is never the answer.
I will work on my feelings and I hope that you stop again now and get support from your family
Best wishes
hi there, thank you for the replies.
You are both right, the desire to gamble will always be there, i for one am pretty sure that there is no cure for that out there. What i found interesting, coming back on here and re-reading my diary posts, was how much i had forgotten, or chosen to forget. How tough it had been and what a fight i had previously had. I am pleased in some ways that i was at least able to see the signs this time, and whilst i was still (as much as we can be) in control, i was able to take positive action to stop. I know it is all one day/step at a time... and although i am disappointed in some ways, it actually shows how far i have come. I think sometimes recognition and admission is the key, while i appreciate i still obviously have a problem, i dont feel lost or alone this time. And that fact alone, makes this journey a much easier one. Good luck all & thank you for the continued support. L x
Hi needtomoveon, just dropping by. Hope all is well with you but even if it's not you'll get all the advice and support you need here.
Keep moving forward
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