Panic

Mums allways know best, its better out in the open, f**k it tell ur dad too I find the more people that know the better. You haven't done anything wrong, some poor financial decisions but we all have here. Take everyone's advice. Sort ur debt out do overtime and pay mum back at lower interest than a bank (count yourself very lucky) then save up ur deposit. But enjoy life whilst doing it, uve let the secret out now and that's a huge good start. Keep going go with the positives 5k is manage able to pay back in a year with some good saving and overtime. You can do it.i would love to see sufles day count ever increasing and then ur garanteed to get ur mortgage and keep ur bf. Goodlu ck adam

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Hi Souffle,

You should tell your bf. It is for the greater good. Yes, we make mistakes and sometimes really nasty ones. But, in such moments, we have people who genuinely care for us to show us the path. It will help you become more responsible. I was saving for my deposit, saved quite a lot, and then decided to double it to pay for the whole thing myself. And, I blew it when my partner was saving the other half. I eventually told her and she has been nothing but supportive.

Do not do it again for your dad!

Good luck!

Thank you all for your replies.
I told him last night.
It was a mixed sort of conversation I would say. Ranging from what I expected, relief that I wasn't cheating or leaving him. To him saying f**k it I'll just buy a new car. To berating me and telling me how gambling a weakness etc and obv shocked that I've done this again, then the next minute hugging me while I'm sobbing uncontrollably telling me it's going to be OK. And then asking how when we eventually do have a place how can he know I won't gamble all my money and leave him in the s**t and have I or will I sell anything to gamble with (like jewelry he's got me n stuff)

So yeah was a pretty mixed response which I suppose is to be expected. I think I underestimated just how much my problem does effect everybody else, in terms of trust, financially and emotionally. Gambling really is such a selfish thing.

But well, it's out in the open now. I've tried to reassure him where I can. And quite willing to hand over finances to my mum or him for the rest of my life if need be and live of an allowance of sorts. Seems like quite a insignificant price to pay to get life back on track and never to worry about finding myself in the same position again.

Still feeling quite low at the moment to be honest. Knowing that I've done this to myself and they know what a fool I am too now.

But the counter has been reset time to start again and build a life rather than self sabotaging and destroying it.

Well done on telling them both. It takes great courage to do so. You have their support, you can beat this, take baby steps.

Great job! Next step would be to self exclude yourself and install the filters.

Hi Souffle,

well done for coming clean to your mom and your bf. It takes great courage to do so, especially when you are feeling low and when you are feeling so low about yourself.

In the interest of your sustained recovery it is important that you start improving your self-esteem and start to practice some compassion with your self. Counselling is a good way to dig a bit deeper but also to find ways to make sense of what happened and move forward in positive, life-affirming way. If you are interested in having this kind of support please get in touch with one our advisers on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or on the NetLine here.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Yesterday I went to the bank on my lunch break to pay in the 500 my mum gave me into my overdraft so Atleast I'm being charged half as much as I would of on that now.

I'm trying to not think too much about the debts and the paying things off. I'll just pay off what I can each month with my mums help and then work on paying her back. I think if I think too much about it I'll start to panic all over again and want to gamble. Just keep things slow n steady n chip away at debt.

I got home last night and this is one of my weak points of the day as I have hour or two of free time till my bf gets in. I looked at my online bank account. I logged in to the gambling site that I use. And I genuinely did think about doing it. Just enough to clear my overdraft I thought, Atleast then that's one less debt to worry about. But I didn't. I couldn't. The money I have access to now isn't mine. Its my mums and it just didn't feel right. The temptation is there though and it's very very real.

I haven't blocked anything yet but I will n I definitely need to before pay day, I'm not sure I'll be as reluctant to spend my money than I am my mums. Id like to think I wouldn't but I know to not trust myself.

I know to not trust myself no matter how strong I feel now. All it would take is one moment of madness for me to convince myself i can gamble out of this mess and then lose even more money and lose the trust of the people that I've told about my problem.

I'm going to put the blocks in place and give all my cards to my mum before pay day.

It's so hard to not look back and panic.

Me and the bf had a very nice evening together last night though, we cuddled for ages which we haven't done in a long time. Which is my fault I was always too stressed and miserable to want much contact. These are the things I need to remember, without the stress and gambling I can be myself again and my relationship will be better for it too.

I am working on being kinder to myself with just a little berating to remind me why I should ever put myself in this position again. I won't be going to any meetings or counselling or anything like that. I've done that when I was depressed and it just didn't help. Plus I don't want to give gambling problem any more of my time that I have already. But hey we'll see how we go I guess.

Hi Souffle,

Self exclude all the sites you have access to! Don't let yourself need to fight temptation, its too risky. You might feel in control but we as CG never are when we have the oppertunity to "just make enough for this outgoing". It'll end badly, your past and everyone on here should show you that.

So glad to read you have told you family though, takes a lot of courage to do that. You now have that accountability but more importantly their support. Talk to them whenever you feel like you need to. I know they don't and probably won't ever understand why we do what we do as addicts but sometimes all we need is for someone to listen. You've been holding this secret in for so long, like many of use have/are. Let it out and start building your life and your self worth back up. It'll take time, it'll hurt at times but its worth it, you are worth it.

With regards to counselling i would advise you look into that but maybe just don't say no to it now. It can be very helpful and time is something recovery will take to get you past this. It's deeper than just saying i won't or i'll stop myself being able to gamble.

All the best.

Self exclude your accounts for the longest time available. Ask for a permanent exclusion. They may not tell you it's an option but with some operators it's there then install a blocker getting your mum or partner to set the password.

"Planning" to do these things is playing with fire.

I read both of your comments, had a nice evening with my bf and been thinking about what's been said on and off all evening.

And I agree it is too risky to keep putting off the blocking everything. Perhaps I have just been trying to fool myself. I think part of me is not ready to let it go n leaving or delaying blocking to leave open the option to gamble for when I've got even a tenner to just give it one last shot or something stupid.

So just before I was about to sleep I said to my bf, can we make sure I block everything tomorrow. Because I knew I best tell him then while I'm thinking straight and once it's been said out loud it's a commitment to make sure it will happen.
And he seemed to get quite annoyed at me. So I'm feeling quite down now to be honest and a bit tearful. He was like you want to gamble? You think your going to do it again etc. f**k things up for both of us.
I said no, I just want to make sure I take away any opportunity, I don't want to start panicking about what I owe n the fact that you are going to end up paying for most things when we go away (we're going away for a few days next month for our anniversary).

Ugh I don't know. Just feels like a kick when your down. I know he doesn't get it. And I understand that, obviously gambling more money when your already in debt sounds crazy to people that are scared to waste a fiver on gambling.

Ugh I dunno sometimes you feel like your doing the right thing and taking steps forward and feeling positive and then something else pushes you back on the floor and full of shame again.

Hi soufflГ© I'm sorry you're 'down' but you're not being proactive or taking this seriously. You say your bf doesn't get it. Do you get it? Time, money, location. You haven't removed any of these. You've got time at home alone, you're logging onto your bank, you're looking at gambling sites. You're refusing help 'no meeting or counselling, it doesn't help'. So what are you actively doing to stop? You say ' gambling mum's money doesn't feel right' but you took the bailouts before. I know you don't want to hear any of this but you're responsible for you, no one else. What do you think your bf should understand? You are leaving the door open to gamble. Unfortunately it's very difficult to recover alone. If you want people who understand go to GA, go to counselling. As a wife of a cg I've seen and heard all the excuses, all the debt, all the anger. Seen the damage it does. If you don't go and find help, it won't find you. Help is not a bailout or understanding. Get your blocks in place, hand over finance not just cards. It's a choice. If you want it to stop, if you want it to get better, choose to get help.

You mentioned you want hope. I’ve been in your position many times but the last time I gambled was 182 days ago. I often have urges to gamble but I now have a counsellor, all my family knows and I want a family with my partner. You too have things you want to achieve. Those need to be what pulls you through.

I won’t lie, it’s so hard. Debts are there because we are gamblers. We are constantly looking for ways to get more money. If it helps, I found if I could save a little each month (even just £20 in the beginning) it made me feel so much better than saving nothing at all.

You can do this. I know it because I’ve done it and so have many other people on this forum. It’s hard but you’ll get through. Another tip if you want it, at the end of each day, think of 3 positive things in your life. Good luck 🙂 x

Hi Souffle,

Firstly well done. Really well done. I have been keeping my gambling secret for 6/7 years. It has been eating me up inside but I'm too worried to tell anyone.

You have done the hardest part. Now the next step is to stop any chance of gambling online again, block everything, most make it really easy to do either online or by an email.

Don't get obsessive over the money you owe, just look after yourself. I owe 20k which sounds a lot so I break it down to what I need to pay back each month.

Is there any options of speaking to banks to have a longer period to pay back a loan or will that affect your mortgage chances?

I did this for mine and it gave me that bit of breathing space to still do things I want to do in my mid to late 20's.

Keep going, I look forward to seeing your progress and see you have that house.

Dan.

He's not going to get it. Mr L still can't explain it to me himself. In all honesty it's not in your bf's interests to be too understanding. What is in his interests is protecting his own finances and reading up on the addiction so he's not so likely to fall for manipulation. Maybe also looking for some support for himself.

In the meantime think about you. Mr L gets his support and understanding from weekly GA meetings where they get it in a way I never will. Look into the free couselling offered by Gamcare. Alongside your barriers you will need to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion.

Counselling doesn't work for everyone. GA meetings don't work for everyone and it's not what I'm going to do. That's not me not taking it seriously. It's me knowing that that is not how I'm going to deal with this.

I would have blocked everything last night when I mentioned it but we were both tired and just wanted to go to sleep.

I'm not looking for him to be understanding or to make me feel better. I just wasn't expecting to be had a go at because I was going to block gambling sites. But he took that to mean I wanted to gamble, not prevent it.

I was just venting last night.

I kind of have to go home at night. There's going to be times where I'm alone and vulnerable to want to gamble. Yeah I logged in. Yeah I stared at it and I wondered what the hell. But I didn't do it.

The thing is I'm not worried about the here and now. I've stopped gambling for months before and I can do that again. It's in a few months time and the dust settles that I'm more at risk.

I'm not going to meetings, closest is an an hour away and I'm not wasting my time or petrol on something I know won't help because I've been there n done that. Yeah the only person that can help me is me always has been and that's just the way it's going to be now.

You can block everything you possibly can and reduce all funds available in whatever way. But the only way I'm going to be able to stop is if I choose to. There would always be other ways around any blockades I put in place. To stop I just need to stop. It's actually just that simple. Some people need a helping hand in different ways.

I've done the hardest part for me. Telling people, and taking the shame. The rest is just time.

I am a both weak and strong at the same time. Weak enough to fall into the various situations in my life but strong enough to get out of them. And his is just another one of those times.

This site isn't for me.
I thank everyone for their comments and many things have helped me and given me alot to think about. And I needed the push I received to tell people. But just like I'm not going to waste my time or counselling or meetings. I'm not wasting it here either. Time spent thinking about gambling or time spent thinking about not gambling just isn't useful it's given gambling a larger weight in my life when I need to be a non existent entity, the more time I spend thinking or speaking about it in whatever context the more power it has in my life. And enough is enough now.