Hi everyone,
My name is Olivia and I am new here. My partner is a compulsive gambler and I am struggling emotionally.
Apologies for the life story, but I'm unsure of where to start really.
In September 2016, 2 weeks and 2 days before I was due to marry him, my partner of four and a bit years (at that time) revealed to me that he had a severe gambling addiction. This was not the first time that gambling had been an issue in our relationship. He proposed to me in July 2015, and in September 2015 he told me that he had spent approximately £40,000 on gambling (his father passed away in October 2014, and this was his inheritance - or the first part of it, anyway).
I can remember how he told me. We were sitting in bed together about to go to sleep, and he just came out with it. He cried, I cried, I just didn't know how to react, I had no idea and never would have seen it coming. I think I felt shock and disappointment more than anything.
Part of the £40,000 he had spent was meant to go to his sisters (he has two sisters and his fathers inheritance was to be split equally between them). To resolve this and hide what he had done from his family, he borrowed money from a close friend so that he could give his sisters their share. I wanted to tell his family, as I thought that with more support (and watchful eyes, I suppose) that he would be less likely to repeat this behaviour. He pleaded with me not to tell his family, and asked his friend to speak to me and reinforce the same thing - so I stayed quiet, believing that telling his family would only make things worse.
I think for me, that is when the trust left our relationship. He had always appeared to be so 'good' with finances. He had savings and a good pension and would always tell me off for treating myself. He had a house of his own and a mortgage just in his name - he must be sensible with money, right? I felt safe and secure when I was with him and like he was responsible and caring.
Anyway, here we are just over a year and a half after the first revelation. September 21st 2016 was the day my heart just broke when he told me he had been gambling again. We had been trying for a baby for around two years, and in August 2016 we found out I was pregnant. I was absolutely over the moon and truly believed that he was too. However, he had started gambling again in January 2016 and by this time was already in debt / in a hole.
We were due to get married on 7th October 2016 and although I sometimes had my doubts, I believed he was no longer gambling and was 'cured'. Since the first instance in September 2015, I had asked for access to his bank statements etc. to satisfy to myself that I could trust him and that he was no longer gambling. These requests were met with refusal. He told me I was paranoid and needed to move on and trust him. Feeling bad about doubting him, I tried to do just that. I now realise that this was gas lighting, and I feel so stupid for allowing it to happen to me.
With this second instance of gambling, came over £120,000 worth of debt. I felt numb as we sat on the bed once again and he told me what had been going on. The situation felt all too familiar, and simply heart breaking. I felt sick thinking about how our child might be affected in the future.
Since then, I have been blamed (fully, initially) for his gambling problem. I now feel that he accepts some responsibility, but still has feelings of blame towards me. He believes I was spoilt as a child and that I have no regard for money. The truth (for me) is that I was not spoilt as a child, and I do have regard for money. I have previously enjoyed treating myself and shopping for myself, but whenever I have spent money, I have always thought that I need to at least be able to pay off my credit card monthly and have made plans to do this. I have never been in a situation where I would be unable to pay money back (he believes that if I had not received inheritance, I would be in a dire financial situation).
When the second incident of gambling came out, I made the decision to cancel our wedding and move out of what would have been our family home. The house was put on the market and has only recently completed. My father helped me to buy a new house where my unborn child (due 17/04/2017) and I could feel financially safe and stable, and for this I will be forever grateful. However, I feel that my partner is bitter and resentful of this. For me, the only option for him to be able to repay his debts was to sell the house that we owned together. The proceeds from the sale do not completely cover the debt, but they go quite a way to helping to pay it off and without the sale of the house, his sisters would each be £24,000 shorter than they are now. This situation was not about him not having money, I felt awful that a huge amount of debt would be hanging over him for such a long time and that was the only solution I could see to it.
I feel like I am rambling about my life and I don't really know where this is going. This is the first time I have opened up about the situation we are in, I guess because I feel ashamed and humiliated over the loss of my wedding and family future, and also because I yet again had no idea what was going on. I feel like I should have recognised that something was wrong. I feel huge guilt for not telling his family the first time around, because now the situation has repeated itself and there is so much hurt and debt that I feel partially responsible for as I could have prevented it.
There are obviously huge trust issues in our relationship, and I don't know how to go about mending these. I do not control his finances and he will not give me access to his phone (where he did most of his gambling). I have access to two bank accounts and that is it. I constantly worry that there could be more bank accounts and credit cards that I just have no idea about. I feel that he is very secretive with his phone (won't leave it for a second) and I just have no idea what goes on in his life anymore really. I hate feeling like I am 'checking up on him' when I access his online banking, but I guess it has to be done.
We seem to be arguing more recently, and the other day he told me I needed to get over the situation and move on, but I just don't know how. A huge part of our relationship has been him lying to me about his gambling problem. Concealing it and continuing it.
Where do you start? Is it even possible to regain the trust? How do you move past something that is this big and this consuming? Will I always worry that he's gambling again? Does it get easier after time? If it does, when does that time come? I feel constantly stressed about what might happen next.
I am due to give birth to his baby in just over a week and I just want to cry. I feel so awful that I am bringing a child into this situation and that the reality is that if things don't change then our son won't get to experience what it's like to have a proper family. It breaks my heart and I worry that the responsibilities that come with being a parent will send him back to gambling because he won't be able to cope with the stresses and challenges that parenting will bring.
I'm not even sure that this is the right place to bring all of this, but I just needed to be honest and vent and I am hopeful that another partner of a compulsive gambler might read this and be able to offer support and advice. I would almost feel bad speaking to my partner about all of this, because I know he has his own problems (gambling etc.)
If anyone could offer help I'd be very grateful. X
Hi there phil here and nice to meet you . I've read your story and in some ways some of it is simullar to my story . I have finally admitted that I'm a CG I owe about 22,000 and currently my wife has no idea however I think she suspects there's something wrong . I have just completed 12 weeks of counciling and I feel a lot better it feels like I've woken up from the problem and I'm now trying to sort it out . I'm in the middle of completing a debt management application with payplan once this is in place it will be time to come clean I haven't done so far as my wife has suffered with post natal depression and I didn't think I should add this to her already stressed state . What future lies for us will depend on her ?we have 2 kids and I love them to bits this I guess has been my achilies heel and maybe something I've used to detract me from my dissapointments in life or anything that's been to stressful to deal with I'm an escapist .and I know that now . I plan to now change my thinking agree the dpm and then hand everything over to my wife .if she will want me to stay .if not then I will go and take what ever relation ship there is on offer .if I were you tell him to get help if he won't budge let him be .i know my gambling will mean my kids will miss out on things it's inevitable but I plan to give them everything I can and also make up for the days I've been pre occupied with the gambling. Sounds like the house you have now is nice and you have a good lose family ! Your little baby will be in safe hands
philIf you have any questions feel free to ask them it may help us both phil
Hi OliviaMary,
I am new to this forum as well so can only talk about advice I have been given and from advice I have read etc. I have been married almost 8 years and 3 young children. Gambling started last year but like you I kept it all to myself believing it was helping him. A few weeks ago I found out he had started gambling again before Christmas. My husband does not feel he deserves to get help and refuses to. From reading other posts and info online I now know that it is impossible for a CG to actually make any recovery unless they are willing to seek help. It s for this reason that I asked my husband to move out, scary as hell being a single mum but I have educated myself and truly believe this is the only way. He needs to realize that what he has done means he has lost his family. He still has contact with the kids but is still in the 'feel sorry for myself' phase. I am under no illusion that it may take a long time for him to get help but the advice I have gotten is to look after yourself and children, you cannot look after the CG, they can only do that for themselves. Then you just have to hope he will eventually get help but you cannot force him. He also NEEDS to let you see his finances, you NEED the reassurance or else how can any kind of trust ever be built up?
Having a newborn is a wonderful time and your first baby is extra special, you'll never get that time back again so try and enjoy it as much as possible. It also will bring out the worst in both of you due to sleep deprivation so do all you can to eat well, rest and take all the help and support you are offered. Instead of people calling with things for the baby or to hold baby ask them for a casserole or to come and do ur dishes/hoovering....this will be of so much more benefit. And also if you don't want any visitors for the first few weeks then just speak up. The baby will still be there, they can wait. You need ur rest and family time.
Hi Olivia Mary
I'm sorry to see your situation. Life with an active CG is rubbish. First thing to say is that you are not responsible for his gambling in any way shape or form. Trying to convince you otherwise is all part of the deceit and manipulation that goes hand in hand with the addiction.
Second thing to say is he doesn't seem ready to to give up as indicated by the secrecy around the finances and the obsession with the phone. A gambler who is ready to give up will do whatever it takes and a fundamental part of that is honesty and transparency. I have access to and control of every part of the finances including very regular checking of Mr L's credit reports with all three agencies to make sure there's nothing going on behind my back.
It's not clear from your post but I'm hoping you took your share of the proceeds on the house sale. We've probably all fallen into the trap of bailing out a CG who isn't ready to give up but all it does is give them a clean slate to carry on and prolong the agony.
The blunt truth is a CG who isn't ready to give up won't whatever their responsibilities and whatever we say or do. When they're ready there's a wealth of advice and support for them. My advice would be to protect yourself financially, get RL support from whoever seems appropriate including GamAnon (no need to keep his secrets from anyone. It rarely ends well when we do anyway) and read all you can to educate yourself on what everyone involved is up against. Don't take his word for anything without seeing hard proof for yourself. If he won't provide it, be wary.
Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for your responses - it's nice to know people are actually here reading the posts and it's nice to have responses from people on both sides of the addiction.
I should have added in my first post, he has received around 20 counselling sessions from an addictions counsellor who works for a charity, but she also tried to get involved in personal issues such as our relationship and provided her personal opinions which I feel has negatively impacted us and how he feels about what I should or shouldn't be allowed access to.
It is difficult for me because although I can see that he has sought help, sometimes I also feel he is still very much stuck in the feeling sorry for himself phase. It might be selfish, but I struggle to think about much else other than the hurt it has caused other people. We've not had an easy relationship and there have been many ups and downs - one of the downs being that he was imprisoned for drug dealing around a year after we met. I struggle as I saw first hand the pain this caused his mother and his sisters, and now they have been hit with this too.
I think he has always liked to take risks and has maybe never thought about the consequences to other people, but sometimes it feels as though he has thought about this but just does not care. It hurts me that he doesn't seem to take full responsibility for what he has done. I feel that part of it will always be my fault to him, and I wonder how this affects our future together. When we spoke the other day, he said that the reason he gambled was because I wanted to have joint finances (we were due to be married and also have a child on the way) and he didn't feel like he had control of any of his money, so why not gamble it all away. The thing that bothers me about this is that it was his fathers inheritance that he gambled, which I obviously would never have expected to be joint and had no access to. It just feels as though there will always be an excuse. We go round and round and I can't seem to get across how I feel without being personally targeted. He has said that he cannot cope with my 'fragile emotions' and this again says to me that he does not want to accept responsibility for what has happened as part of that I feel is dealing with other people's emotions (which I accept is probably not easy!) and feelings on the situation.
Phil - thank you, all of this has really brought me closer to my family and has definitely made me very appreciative of them! They have been a wonderful support and I know they will be there for me and my little one whatever happens 🙂
I hope you can get the help that you need and that your wife will try to be understanding with you. It sounds really positive that you have already made the effort to seek help from a counsellor and also try to sort out a repayment plan for your debt, it sounds like you are being responsible in the situation.
Mumof3 - that's how I'm feeling, terrified of being a single mother! It's so horrible to think that this was something (I thought) we both wanted, and it has all turned out so horribly. I want to believe so badly that he will change, but deep down I don't think he actually wants to. I feel that everything will always be someone else's fault - it's emotionally exhausting. In your situation I definitely think asking your husband to move out was the right thing to do and I really hope he can seek and accept the help that he really needs. This is my first experience of addiction and I just never had any idea how devastating it can really be. I struggle because I can't understand the mind of an addict. I never saw him as the kind of person that was dishonest and I still find it hard to accept that he has lied, stolen from his family and abused his power as executor of his fathers will. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to see him as the person I did when we first met. At the moment it feels very dark to me and almost inevitable that at some point we will go our separate ways, it feels like it is just a waiting game until one of us breaks (possibly when the stress of parenting & sleep deprivation kicks in) 🙁
Hi Lethe,
Sorry I have only just seen your response, wasn't ignoring you in my reply 🙂
That's how I feel when he puts blame on me - manipulated. However when I have tried to talk to him about this he says he doesn't think he manipulates me in any way. How can I take any responsibility for something I had no idea about?
I worry that because he doesn't seem to take responsibility for it and he is still secretive with his phone that he is still gambling. I wonder if I will ever be able to feel reassured otherwise.
Oh yes, I took my share of the money from the house we had together! I feel that when his friend lent him money before that it enabled him to carry on doing what he was doing as there were no repercussions at all.
Do GamAnon provide advice & support to people affected by the actions of a CG? I sometimes think it would be good for me to find a counsellor, but with a baby on the way both money and time are an issue.
Thanks for your response. X
Hi OliviaMary
Just wanted to say that I feel quite humbled reading your posts and really empathise about the extremely challenging position you now find yourself in. You are clearly a sensible and strong woman and it is great to hear you have the love and support of your family.
Addiction in general is so mind blowing to many and so hard to understand - I feel that gambling addition is even harder for people to ***. It is also so alien to me, however, I have recently learnt that it is a very real problem to my boyfriend and 'soul mate' of 3 years. I caught him out after undertaking some serious Miss Marplesque investigations - I thought I was going crazy / psycho but I knew he was hinding something. I confronted him, he lied. I left it some time and confronted him again, and he laid it all bare. It was never about the money for me - it was about the webs of lies he had been weaving for over a year (maybe longer, who knows) and that he didn't feel able to come to be and ask for help.. Like you, I have been accused of being untrustworthy and controlling when ever money/gambling comes up. My boyfriend has also attributed my 'comfortable' childhood and supporting parents on my 'lack of understanding' and views around managing money.
Before all of this I was such a generous partner, but now I am feeling resentful and like I need to be financially selfish.
It is really positive that you are both seeking counselling - this is something my boyfriend doesn't feel is for him- I disagreee and feel this is part of him being in denial. I have even said I would pay for CBT, an offer he won't take up.
Like you I am now prioritizing myself and my own financial security and independence and what will be will be. I have no expectations - he will show his true intentions in time as actions speak louder th words! . It is just so heart breaking to find out that the man of your dreams has a secret and destructive side.
Keep talking to people. This is not your 'shame' to carry!
X
Hi OliviaMary.
I hope you have phoned gamcare as many times as you like because you will need counselling over this. A chat with the doctor is a good idea for the stress and worry you must be feeling.
Its heartbreaking the mess that gambling causes but you need time to breathe and see things clearly. Knowledge is strength and you must protect your own financial situation by every means at your disposal. This does include checking that loans are not in your name and checking credit files. You may need legal and financial advice.
A gambling addiction shreds relationships as if they are nothing which is the tragedy of it all. You are not the gambler and did not cause these debts. He must be ready to stop and take all the measures necessary. You can only help him from position of security and you need your eyes wide open. You talk about selling joint houses to pay gambling debts but have you secured your interests? Where do you feature in all of this but it sounds as though you are taking the worry and stress over who is going to get paid. Gambling inheritances away is deeply serious but its not your fault so please dont forget that
This takes a tough love stance and not a blind love. The gambling addiction is one of the strongest forms of delusion and mind control going. Im not saying he is a bad person but an addiction takes over. If he realises what is actually important he will seek help.
The gambling mind will look to blame and look for sources of new money. The reality is that the trust can take a lifetime to build back. As a previous gambler I dont want to be trusted in that sense. I want to prove myself for the rest of my life. Im stable and calm but never complacent.
There are no half measures with this addiction. Either he is fully honest about everything or it wont work
You have been getting great advice...visit the family section and build up a bigger picture. The best advice for now is look after yourself and your child even though you may love him. Im afraid you are dealing with an addiction which puts love and honesty on a backburner.
Ring gamcare, use a family support network you can trust and you will get through this
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Christina27 - I'm so sorry that you find yourself in a similar position to me! It really is the hardest thing to find out that the person you love isn't who you really thought they were. I feel as though my partner has been leading two lives and it hurts to know that you've only been a part of the one they've wanted you to see.
I completely agree, I think gambling addiction is so hard to understand - particularly because of the financial whirlwind that comes with it. It's hard to *** how so much money could be spent so recklessly. My partner says that with online gambling the money doesn't feel real as it is just numbers on a screen, but I can't understand - surely deep down you are aware that you're spending huge amounts of money?!
I feel the same about the money also. It has never been about the money for me. It was the realisation of the level of deception you have unknowingly been experiencing for such a long period of time. I looked through his bank statements in October 2016 and the gambling of large amounts of money (frequently) had been going on for two years. It's so confusing how you can be unaware for so long. I rage inside when the gambling is attributed to my childhood. My father is now very successful but growing up we had very little and shopped in charity shops etc. and if my father now chooses to help his children that is 100% his right and his choice to make. I would do the same for my child if I found myself in a fortunate situation, I think anyone would.
One of the things that hurts the most is that this is the view of me that he has put across to his family. I feel like I have been portrayed as some kind of spoilt brat which is totally unjust and untrue. I remember meeting with his family in September / October of last year and having to sit and listen to his mother put the blame on my family and the fact that my father has done well for himself. They have no idea about my childhood and thinking about it still makes me very angry now. But as I said before, I think there will always be an excuse. It feels as though that is part of a CGs way of dealing with things.
We are 100% right to be financially selfish - we need to do what is best for us! I know my partner has said that when I moved out etc. it made him feel abandoned (and that hurts because I have always been around through the tough times), but with a baby on the way I cannot afford to have any financial instability in my life and having a mortgage with him is just not an option anymore. Having any joint finances with him is just not really an option. It's incredibly sad to feel such little trust for the person you love, especially around finances. I think there will always be a worry there.
I really hope your boyfriend will be able to accept some help soon! I think the addictions side of counselling has benefited my partner and there are some gambling charities that can offer this for free. I think CBT is a great idea and I hope he lets you help him, although if he doesn't it speaks volumes with regards to where he is with wanting to stop gambling.
I'm glad I found this forum and that I'm not alone in what I'm going through (although it is a shame that others are experiencing the same thing!).
Joydivider - I didn't even realise that you could phone GamCare for support, so I will definitely look into that, thank you! I see also that GamAnon offer meetings for partners / relatives etc. of CGs so feel that maybe this could be useful for me too.
I feel very lucky to have a father who totally has his head screwed on (to the point where it's annoying...) and has helped me to secure everything, even putting a charge on my house so it is untouchable.
I do worry about how and when his debts will be paid. I know it's not my responsibility, but I feel awful for all involved really. It must be awful for my partner to have the knowledge that he owes such a huge amount of money, and also horrible for those that he owes the money to (predominantly his sisters) because they love him and wouldn't wish to see him struggle, but rightfully want their inheritance back that should have been with them a long time ago! It upsets me to see how much my partner feels he has let his father down too. He is right to feel like that but it still makes me very sad for him.
It's strange to see it as all or nothing but you are of course correct! It's just odd to think that we will never be able to enjoy some of the things that we used to, like ending the odd night out at the casino or going to Goodwood for the horse racing. I worry as well because he is very into his sports and I know that for some CGs sports betting is a large part of their problem. I worry every time he watches sport, especially when I can hear him getting into it! It just makes me wonder if he has money riding on it and it's hard to know if the trust will ever return or if you're just throwing all your love and energy at something that's destined to be broken.
Thanks for your advice x
dear OliviaMary, first of all so sorry you have found yourself in this situation, especially when you're about to give birth! I am married to a CG and can only tell you how I have dealt with things over the last 25 years.....The secrets and lies are the hardest part, I have taken over bank accounts, changed pins, blocked gambling accounts & allow him weekly pocket money. It's like having an adult child at times, but it's all that works for us and for my peace of mind. I have been blamed for his problem gambling many times! I have learnt to put myself and our children first and to keep a very close eye on the adult child (he knows I do this). I do believe there are CGs out there who can overcome this destructive, life-destroying illness but my husband is not one of them! you sound like a very strong , sensible lady with a supportive family to help you cope. my advice to you would be to concentrate on you and enjoy the last part of your pregnancy! focus on your new baby and keeping yourself happy and healthy. looking back over the years I don't regret being with my husband, we have 3 lovely teenagers now! my only regret is not catching the problem before it reached £90,000 worth of debt! and then 10 years later re-trusting him with a credit card! I know I can never give him access to any large amounts of money ever again! I wish you all the best with your baby and your future, look after yourself xxxx
Hi fedupofthis,
Thanks for you response! Wow, 25 years is such a long time - has the gambling been a problem for this long? I agree the secrets and lies are the hardest parts, and for me always feeling like I'm not getting the whole truth.
What do you do when you've been blamed for his problem gambling? It makes me feel so rubbish about myself but then I also get angry because he has always gambled more than he should, which is nothing to do with me, and I think this problem gambling would more than likely have occurred in any relationship he was in. It's easier to blame someone else for the problems rather than tackle them head on I guess.
Trying very hard to enjoy the last part of pregnancy! It's sad because although I don't regret getting pregnant, there have been so many nights where I've sobbed myself to sleep and just wished that he wasn't the father (which is horrible, but all I want for our son is a happy, healthy and stable life).
In my experience where there have only been two big incidents, it's hard not to re-trust them after the first time because you sort of want to forget, but like you I'm learning that he will never be able to be trusted with large amounts of money unless someone is watching over said money in his bank account. Which is a big responsibility for whoever it falls to 🙁
I worry that when the baby comes I will forget to check or not have time and that will be a risky time for him to relapse anyway with all the changes in his life.
hi, I used to feel rubbish too when he blamed me for it, but now I just offer to remove myself & our kids from his life and let him go it alone which usually shocks him back to reality. he claims the gambling would get worse if he was alone so how could it be my fault? He is very good at twisting things round to remove blame from himself but this is what CGs do (so iv learnt) his wages go into my bank account to make things easier for me to keep an eye on and he only ever has a few pound in cash on him, it does make things difficult but it's the only way I can trust him. it's not easy to find the time to check up on him but it's amazing what you can be capable of when you have kids to protect! Focus on you, be strong and do not take the blame or feel rubbish, this is not your fault. my husband won't get help for this so my only choice is to take away any means to gamble. sounds harsh, but he's so much happier and life is better for us, might not work for everyone though. he did once replace gambling with chatting to random ladies online! I managed to put a stop to that too. I sometimes wonder if there's a bit of a buzz for some people from keeping secrets? if you love each other you will make it work xxx
ps it's been going on since the day i met him, but only small amounts back then...14 years ago became out of control. also meant to say, your baby will no doubt be happy and healthy because he has you for his mum xxx
Yes I feel the same. I don't feel like my partner would really care if he wasn't with me and our son though, so that one probably wouldn't work for me. He's often said in the past that he just wants everyone to leave him alone because it would be easier to deal with on his own.
That's the way that I would have liked to do things too with finances but I feel that he was never willing to do this. When he told me the second time, he immediately said that everything could go into one place so I could easily see what was going on but this has never materialised. Although I do now have access to his online banking. He has issues with feeling 'controlled' even when people are just trying to help him and do what's best by him.
I do often wonder if my partners gambling has been replaced by something similar, and I think you're right when you say there might be some kind of buzz / thrill for some people from keeping secrets.
I love him dearly and want more than anything for things to work but I'm at a bit of a loss with the whole being blamed for his gambling. He seems to be annoyed that I haven't moved on yet, but for me it is still quite raw and I suppose since he has been living with it for so long it feels different and possibly more distant for him. But by being told to move on I feel that my feelings are being brushed aside and not acknowledged which is just making things worse. How has your husband coped with your feelings around his addiction? Is there a reason he won't accept help? Xx
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