Partner of a CG looking for support

Hi again

It would be easier for him if everyone left him alone, yes. Easier for him to gamble unchallenged and unaccountable to anyone but himself. Everything that you have said is ringing massive alarm bells. If he sincerely wanted to stop he wouldn't be trying to convince you it's all your fault. If he sincerely wanted to stop there are things he could do right now, today which would severely limit his access to gambling and the cash that fuels it with immediate effect but he's not even considering doing any of them I expect he would like you to move on with it all. If your distress isn't constantly in his face it's that much more comfortable for him but you need to put your own and the imminent baby's interests first and that means doing what's right for you however uncomfortable it makes him. The debts are his to resolve. If he's stolen his sisters' inheritance it's for him to worry about how and when they will be repaid and to deal with the fallout, not you.

re GamAnon - I have never used it but there are people here who swear by it so it's worth looking in to along with the free counselling offered by Gamcare. I channelled all my energy into reading everything I could about the addiction and what I could do to protect my own interests. It is daunting to take on the reponsibility for everything financial and it does require ongoing vigilance but once everything is set up and in place it becomes easier. It's absolutely fine not to trust even a seemingly recovering CG. If he has an ounce of self awareness he will understand why and accept his part in causing it. As far as I can tell Mr L is over three years down the line now but everything remains and will remain in my sole name. He doesn't have and never will have unscrutinised access to the bank accounts again.

Trying to understand or get an explanation will drive you slowly insane and can even act against your own interests taken too far. You will often see CG's admit they don't understand it themselves so no hope for us. Mr L gets the support and understanding he needs at his GA meetings where they 'get it' in a way we never can.

Keep putting yourself and what you want first. Unless and until he wants to give up you're the only one who will.

Hi Olivia,

I am the gambler in my family but i just wanted to answer one of the questions you just asked...." Is there a reason he won't accept help? Xx"

For me the answer to that is that he simply isnt ready to stop.

So many things you have said above worry me, they are all classic gambler manipulation. I used to say or do anything I could to please my family just so they would leave me alone. As they say......actions speak louder than words.

You need to completely protect yourself and as suggested above give gamcare a call or even better get to a GamAnon meeting...it really will open your eyes and when you are around people in a similar position then hopefully you wont feel as isolated.

Wish you well.
Damo

Hi Lethe, thanks for getting back to me. Yes I think you're probably right, it would just be easier for him to do whatever he wanted. I should add that as far as I can see from his bank statements, he hasn't gambled since September 2016. However, I think he does quite often have cash and as we don't live together I have no way of knowing what it goes on 🙁
I guess I feel so involved in the weight of the debt because his family will talk to me about it. It's not nice for me as I always feel I have to be careful of what I say. For example the other day I saw his sisters and one of them asked if he was going to the gym at the moment (a seemingly innocent question!) - I said I didn't think so and she said maybe we should suggest cancelling his membership. I don't want him to think that I'm 'stirring' or trying to take anything away from him but it's difficult as anything I say seems to be used against me!
I feel like he hates me sometimes. We had a long talk the other day about moving back in together and to cut a long story short, it didn't go well. One of the things that sticks with me is that he said he would love to see me struggle on my own for a month so I would realise I needed him around and would just be grateful that he was there. I can't understand how you can say something so horrible to someone you're supposed to love. I just think after everything we've been through in the nearly five years we've been together, have I not struggled enough...I also can't understand why you would want to see the mother of your child struggle when it would have an impact on her raising your little one. Is the anger / bitterness / resentment that I'm feeling from him normal in a CG? Or is this a separate issue? I struggle to know what stems from where.
He did go to GA a handful of times the first time he came clean, but apparently it is not helpful for him (he says our local group is not very well structured and is more focused on negative stories of people having gambled each week).
Now that his counselling has ended, I get concerned about where his support will come from - as much as myself and his family try, we do not really understand the problem. I'm not sure that his friends do either and he can be very easily led.

Damo - thanks for your response. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels worried about the situation. I never know if I'm being OTT or if how I'm feeling is 'right'. I think I'm definitely going to look into GamAnon. It looks like they have a meeting in my local area once a month so it would be good to actually meet others in real life who are going through the same thing. Thanks for your advice. X

If it all (or even any part of it) is your fault, then it's not his, so he doesn't need to change, he's ok and you're the one with the problem. Projecting blame in this way helps him to keep using, as others have said, he doesn't appear to want to stop. The best response is to return the buck to where it belongs, tell him that the choice to gamble was his choice and he's responsible for his own choices.

My husband also would have liked a nice big brush with which to sweep it under the carpet - it's quite common. However, our response is one of the many consequences of the gambling and it takes as long as it takes to come to terms with the trauma.

Your husband seems to have swapped one addiction for another without resolving why he needs to use and how to live and be satisfied without using.

Keep your focus on you and your babies. Echo Lethe that it's not helpful to be too understanding - supporting him is fine but surpressing your own needs and tolerating the intolerable whilst the boundaries evaporate, that isn't fine for anyone. Put yourself first, echo advice to attend GamAnon meetings or your own counselling.

Take care,

CW

do u think he wants left alone to continue gambling? chasing the big win that's just around the corner? what does he mean by moving on? ..u asked how does my husband cope with my feelings... I really couldn't say, he listens & seems to understand things from my point of view, he's usually sheepish, accepting of my outbursts and answers any questions I ask (hopefully honestly). he is ashamed of his gambling and doesn't want anyone to know xx

Hi CW,
Thank you for your input - I never thought about it that way but it does make sense. I do say to him that it's unacceptable to blame me because I had no idea what he was doing, but it then changes from being all my fault to me and my supposed attitude towards money being a 'contributing factor'.
How long did it take you to come to terms with the situation? I still feel like I'm in an angry / sad phase, but to be honest I probably haven't processed or dealt with that much of what has happened as my pregnancy has been more important and also making sure he is okay and not gambling / feeling the need to gamble. I have no idea what I'm supposed to feel and when. Sometimes it all just doesn't feel real. X

Hi fedupofthis,
I don't think he's gambling at the moment. If he is he would be doing it in cash at a bookmakers and not online as I can see where his money goes (online) at the moment.
I feel like he will always be missing / chasing something though, like I'm not enough for him, but I don't know what (if anything) will be enough to fulfil him in life.
We were arguing at the point he told me I needed to move on - I think he gets frustrated that I haven't forgiven & forgotten the whole thing and am still quite raw about it all, but I'm not sure there is much that can be done about that!
I struggle with the people not knowing part, as all of my family know (as the wedding was called off) but only half of his family seem to know. I feel awkward when I see members of his family socially (the ones that don't know) and mostly try to avoid situations where I might see them. I feel like everyone probably thinks that I did something awful to cause the wedding to be called off at the last minute, but maybe that's just the anxiety I've been experiencing since the whole situation happened. It still feels like he is being protected which I don't feel will be helpful with his recovery in the long run. Xx

It has been quite enligtening to hear the same 'excuses' being used time and time again in others relationships. My boyfriend was initially appeared to accept his vulnerability and even suggested that I make him accountable - letting me check his accounts / keep hold of his credit cards etc. This totally alleviated my own anxieties and then I started to take my eye off the ball - he was gambling again within 2 weeks. Again he said that as I had relaxed it gave him more leeway to gamble - so I ramped up the supervision again.

Recently I haven't had the energy to parent my 'adult child' and I haven't checked his finances for the past few weeks, but I have access to his email and can see that he has managed to get hold of his credit card (whereby there is a re-payment plan set up) and has been depositing money on a betting site. I checked in with him to see if he had any 'slip ups' recently, which he totally denied. I know he has blatantly lied but I am keeping quiet to monitor and see if this was just a one off or whether he has well and truly slipped back off the wagon. He has told me that if I cannot trust him I need to think about what I need to do, as in walk away from the relationship. I know that this is a manipulation to make me back off and stop asking questions. I have told him that he just needs to be open with me, and he will not receive any judgement if he gambles, but it is the dishonesty I cannot tolerate. I also feel that this has caused me to be dishonest and sneaky and even a bit psycho in my covert schemes to 'catch him out', as he has failed to access support and reassure me that this has been dealt with.

We have been together for 3 years and whilst this has rocked my world - I think I am quite good at burying things and reassuring myself that what will be will be. but hearing accounts of the battles people have experienced throughout long-term relationships is really daunting and now I feel like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun regarding the struggles which may still come. I think I have been naive to the seriousness of this addiction.We were at a stage in our relationship where we are thinking about marriage and children, but this has all made me completely reassess our future. Whilst I am saving for a deposit on a house (which will be in my name as he has ccj's) he has recklessly squandered so much money which could have gone towards house and wedding. I could not even begin to imagine how you are feeling Olivia in your current situation - the huge feelings of disappointment and frustration. Now I think - do I take a gamble and stay around for the Journey, or do I get out now and cut my losses! I love him so very much, but what a gamble!

I really feel you here - it was so refreshing for me hear that someone else had been blamed and with the exact same excuse (having a 'comfortable' childhood)! I find until you hear the same thing from someone else it almost messes with your mind a bit and you can start to doubt yourself.
This was the same with my partner, he offered to alleviate all my fears but this has never happened, although I am grateful to have access to his online banking as it's one less thing to stress about. It is not your fault that he gambled again - you cannot be responsible for his actions or watch him closely 24/7 and the reality is that if he really wants to continue gambling, he will always find a way.
I think it's so awful that gambling sites can even accept deposits from credit cards - the gambler clearly doesn't have the money to spend on their sites in the first place, it makes me so angry!
I'm glad you realise that the threat of leaving the relationship is a manipulation technique, it can be so difficult to see when you're caught up in the situation yourself. I was the same - the first time I was completely naive to the addiction. Because everything got sorted financially I think I just kind of let it go. You don't want to believe that they could do this to you (or anyone else) a second time. I didn't make any effort to educate myself on gambling addiction, all I did was ask my partner to attend gamblers anonymous, which he did a handful of times but then stopped - and what can you do? You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. But then when it happens again you feel partly responsible.
It's so hard because we can't contemplate ever spending so much money on something that seems so pointless and trivial to us - a total waste of money (to us).
I would probably take the advice of previous posters on here and maybe give an ultimatum of get help or go...I guess you just have to hope that he can see that his relationships are worth more than this life of gambling and lies 🙁 even if he can't see that at first, maybe he will at a later date. It's hard because you don't want to abandon them when they need you.
It makes it all the more difficult that it only seems to come out after years of being together and having invested so much in the relationship! Xx

Access to his online banking will only give you part of the picture. You really need to access his credit reports (all three agencies) which will tell you if there are secret bank accounts and/or lines of credit he hasn't admitted to. All the agencies now offer a free service - Callcredit offer Noddle, Equifax offer Clearscore and Experian can now be accessed free via MSE's Credt Club. Reports are updated monthly and I subscribe to an alert service with Noddle which emails me should anything change in between reports.

The mention of cash being unaccounted for is also ringing alarm bells. Mr L had a small cash allowance first time round. I naively thought wouldn't matter even if he did throw it straight down a machine's throat in the bookies (which of course he did). That was enough to keep the addiction alive and led to thousands more in loans being taken behind my back with logins changed and lines fed to me about why I couldn't see what I needed to see. Don't blame yourself for falling for the lies. We've all done it and they capitalise on the fact we want to trust them, want to believe it's all over. He now does all his spending on a bank card to the joint account which I keep at a nil available balance and I see see receipts for everything so I know there's no cash going out under cover of a grocery or petrol bill. He doesn't routinely carry even small change these days.

Christina - do what you need to do to protect yourself. It's not sneaky, it's self preservation. I still open any of Mr L's post I don't like the look of...

good morning OliviaMary, I hop you slept well! so he's no gambling, that's a great start and sounds promising to me... my husband and I have had the same arguments re leaving things in the past but he understands that for my peace of mind I will question him & check up on him. it's not something we discuss everyday or even on any kind of regular basis, but in saying that he knows I need reassurance and proof things are ok, he also knows he is the cause of my anxieties! I understand you feeling that you are not enough for him, we have had this discussion many times! you ARE enough, I have learnt to believe in myself and not let any of this c**P drag me down (took a long time though). none of my husbands family have any clue what is going on and yes it is difficult, I think in your situation I would be keen for him to let his family know the wedding was called off because of him and not you even if he doesn't feel able to confess to them. he will most likely be ashamed of what he's done. could you maybe ask him if you could both sit down for an update on how he's doing once a fortnight/month for peace of mind? (but check your bank etc too). don't forget your hormones will be rampant just now & for a while after birth (sorry, I hated people telling me this) but don't blame this for over-reacting! go with your gut feelings, take time to think/rest/sleep/look after you. I read that he expects you to struggle with baby for a month without him! show him you can cope without him! don't give in to any of his BS, it's hard but be strong! you have a roof over your head, a good family, you're safe and secure. you can succeed with or without him. it's up to him to prove himself! much love f xxx

Hi Lethe - thanks for the advice, so do I need to be asking for more than one credit score? I think he has Clearscore - would that capture everything?
Yes that's what I worry about with the cash side of things. He told me he had self-excluded from bookmakers and casinos in the local area but I'm not sure if I can get proof of this?

fedupofthis - good morning! This sounds the same as my partner and I but I don't feel that he's very understanding of my need for reassurance. Sometimes when I check his banking he will make comments about me checking up on him and it makes me feel bad but I don't know what else I can do. When I have left him to it in the past huge debts have been run up.
I think I'm still trying to learn to believe in myself. I used to be quite a confident person but all of this has completely knocked my confidence both in the relationship and in everyday life. I think his family knowing the truth would go some way to easing my anxiety but it's not something he's willing to do. I can understand that he feels ashamed of what he's done but with half of them knowing I think it will all come out one day anyway and just look worse!
I've asked quite a few times to sit down with him and look at things like finances (as he also owes my father money for the wedding) but it's always met with resistance or refusal which doesn't really help my confidence in him.
I do think I'm probably a little bit more on edge with all the hormones flying around but I'm just so fed up of feeling like I can't trust him!
Thank you, I think I needed to hear that at the moment! Xx