First day..

I don't really know what to say here.. but feel as though its a good thing to type things out. 

I just feel lost. But I also feel like the realisation of the situation has hit me now. I am aware of what I am, but just feel ashamed of my behaviours. I don't really know how to approach the subject with my mum. She was aware about my gambling when I opened up last year, but I've been masking since then and telling her I'm fine and it's under control but it really hasn't been, I'm behind on monthly payments. I'm already using stepchange to manage some debts and I'm behind on those payments. I just don't feel like I earn enough for what I have to pay out and that's what leads me to gamble. I've been constantly trying to improve my situation by applying for better paid jobs etc but it only appears to have got much worse and I can't continue to let this keep happening. I'm sorry but I just need to get out of my own headspace and talk to someone about it.

As I say above I'm behind payments on my car so that will end up being taken, I've tried to reach out to them and explain the situation but it's too far gone now. As I say the realisation has hit me of what is going to happen now, I'm really just going to have to start from zero again, and there's a part of me that is excited about that but it's hard to see through this and constantly thinking and being under pressure to fix this right now. I feel like my minds been in overdrive for months and months. I also recently lost my grandma who I cared for at home for the last couple of years, she was always there and I felt like I had a purpose and a need to show up for her. Now she's gone I have struggled with not having that, it also confuses me that I don't really understand my triggers I feel so stupid about it but I know I'm not stupid so it's a constant battle in my head.

I'm sorry for waffling but just feel the need to say it out loud.