I don't really know what to say here.. but feel as though its a good thing to type things out.
I just feel lost. But I also feel like the realisation of the situation has hit me now. I am aware of what I am, but just feel ashamed of my behaviours. I don't really know how to approach the subject with my mum. She was aware about my gambling when I opened up last year, but I've been masking since then and telling her I'm fine and it's under control but it really hasn't been, I'm behind on monthly payments. I'm already using stepchange to manage some debts and I'm behind on those payments. I just don't feel like I earn enough for what I have to pay out and that's what leads me to gamble. I've been constantly trying to improve my situation by applying for better paid jobs etc but it only appears to have got much worse and I can't continue to let this keep happening. I'm sorry but I just need to get out of my own headspace and talk to someone about it.
As I say above I'm behind payments on my car so that will end up being taken, I've tried to reach out to them and explain the situation but it's too far gone now. As I say the realisation has hit me of what is going to happen now, I'm really just going to have to start from zero again, and there's a part of me that is excited about that but it's hard to see through this and constantly thinking and being under pressure to fix this right now. I feel like my minds been in overdrive for months and months. I also recently lost my grandma who I cared for at home for the last couple of years, she was always there and I felt like I had a purpose and a need to show up for her. Now she's gone I have struggled with not having that, it also confuses me that I don't really understand my triggers I feel so stupid about it but I know I'm not stupid so it's a constant battle in my head.
I'm sorry for waffling but just feel the need to say it out loud.
I can fully resonate with a lot of your feelings and well done for speaking up and looking for support. This is something I couldn’t do until I hit rock bottom, and it has caused me to lose my relationship and everything that was important to me.
I am only into the 2nd week of my journey, but if I had any immediate advice, it would be to talk to your loved ones, no matter how hard it is. If I could take my time, I wish I had spoken up 7 years ago. I can appreciate your feelings of starting from zero, but at least it is a start! No matter how much we want to, we can’t change the past, but we can change our futures.
From my early experiences, i would advise putting all your blockers in place, this will help you with any triggers. Also I attended my first GA meeting this week. I found that to be really helpful and allowed me to open up which I hadn’t been able to do for 7 years!
Good luck with your journey, and I wish you all the best!
Hi Both
Yes that's really good advice. Connection is the opposite of addiction so if you can open up to people around you then there is no going back. If either of you can hand finances over to someone you trust or at least someone who can watch over your bank account. Put a gambling block on your banking. Self excluded with Gamstop and install Gamban on all your devices. Limit the amount of cash you carry around. The idea for the first part of recovery is to make it very difficult to gamble. I would also suggest speaking to the amazing advisors on here and ask about some counselling. It's free and can really help.
At 8pm on here every night there is an amazing chatroom which is text only so no cameras of mics. The support in the chatrooms is amazing
I've written a daily post on here under different film titles in the recovery diaries section. Might help
Hi both,
Thanks for your replies and input. It's greatly received.
After the ordeal of yesterday I feel a little bit better today, to realise I'm not alone. I did bite the bullet so to speak and reach out to my mum and speak with her about it unsurprisingly she was very understanding and will do her utmost to help me it's just the absolute shame I feel. Yesterday I self referred to the NHS gambling service and also to minds matter for some mental health therapy. I also plan to try and see the GP on Monday to explain what's been going on as people close to me have said it's not just one thing I think I have multiple things to deal with and grieve etc and it's just came out like this.
I know it's going to be a long old road to recovery but I feel much better today than I did yesterday which is an improvement in itself. As suggested above my mum is going to be looking after my finances for a little while whilst I get myself straight for as long as that takes.
I also wish you both the best of luck and strength on this journey and thank you both for reaching out.
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