Psychological Life Sentence

I was in two minds whether to sign-up this evening because if I am being totally honest with myself, my gambling problems are simply a byproduct of my other issues, namely social anxiety disorder and chronic depression.  I am pretty sure gambling could just as easily have been another similarly destructive behaviour, an action that allows me to be suitably destracted from the root of all my problems.

A visit earlier today from my local mental health crisis team and a couple of police officers are the reason that I have decided to proceed with this.

I’m gonna try and stick solely to the gambling with this as I realise that this is the primary reason for the existence of this forum.

Here goes............

I am a 41 year old male.

Up until 2008 my only experience of gambling was the rare small stakes acca on either football or horse racing but this never really grabbed me (probably because I never won anything of note).

My other problems have always blighted my life in the job/career stakes and I was so desperate for more than a paltry benefits payment each month that I scoured the web for realistic opportunities to make money.  Enter “Matched Betting”, the once lucrative world of earning from gambling promotions was soon to become a staple income stream.  Gambling addiction was merely a speck of paint hidden somewhere on a canvas the size of a major city.  The notion seemed ridiculous at this stage.

As time went on I continued with the matched betting on a much larger scale.  I would go on to do this on behalf of many others in return for a commission and before long I had more money than I had ever seen.  The success of the sports betting side of this led me down the path of casino promotions and for a number of years these were even more lucrative than the sports side ever was.

The rumblings of gambling addiction became evident in the first year to be honest (2008).  I managed to always cast it aside though because my income would always massively exceed any losses.  I believe the seed was planted on the first ever casino promotion I availed of.  It was a simple “wager £50, get a £50 bonus and wager it three times”.  Playing this on slots struck me as an offer with the potential for profit (+ Expected Value).  I managed to win about £** on my account, I then did it on behalf of my mum and made another £**.  It seemed so easy that I deposited another £* on my own account as it was from profit.  Within 5 spins at £1 per time I won £*

THIS was the beginning I am almost certain of that.  In the following 2-3 weeks I gave that same site the £* back plus another £* I was lucky that the slot I was playing became tedious and my interest with this casino quickly fizzled out.

The frittering away of funds continued on and off via other casinos up until 2012 when my life was dangerously close to falling apart.  In early 2012 I was the victim of an armed robbery in my home and luckily for me some superficial injuries and some broken ribs were as bad as it got, they did get £800 cash and some sentimental stuff which is what grates the most.

Very shortly after the robbery my mother was told she had stage 4 lung cancer and by all accounts had less than 6 months to live.  By this time I was wandering through life in a complete daze to be honest.  Unfortunately for me, life was going to get worse still.

My cousin called me after midnight on a summers night of the same year and was deeply distressed about his seperation from his wife who had gone to her mothers and take n the kids.  I caught a taxi over and had a drink with him and the following morning he seemed much more high spirited and positive.  I offered to take him for a night out on the upcoming Saturday and he accepted without hesitation.  Shortly after I caught a cab home even though he said I could stay over, this decision is one that will haunt me forever.  I went to bed after I returned home and was greeted by a call from my cousin who was in very bad shape, he said sorry to me and then said goodbye. My cousin shortly after his call ended his life. I was absolutely heartbroken and totally devastated.

Heavy drinking followed in the the last 5 months of 2012 and this coincided with my mothers health deteriorating to the point she barely knew who I was.  As if all that wasn’t bad enough, a week before xmas I slipped on black ice and broke my arm which would later require surgery.  I had to care for my mum with one arm until she ultimately lost her battle on April 4th 2013.  I couldn’t even help carry her coffin, I felt like a useless excuse for a human being.

From then until early 2014 the gambling started to get out of control, I was beginning to lose more per week than I earned yet still I was incapable of slamming on the breaks.  Something very surreal happened on February 21st 2014, it would have been my mothers first birthday following her death and to no surprise I was gambling again with the last £* I had (down from *k at the height of my matched betting).  Imagine my amazement when I won a £* jackpot with a £* spin!!!

After this win I couldn’t help believing that my mother somehow influenced this from the spirit realm and that I had a second chance.  I was full of grandiose ideas of how this opportunity was going to be the making of me.

The gambling inevitably continued until May 17th 2014 when I only had *k of the *k left and then something even more extraordinary happened........

Whilst getting ready to go to Doncaster Races for a day out and a beer with the lads I had half an hour to kill prior to the arrival of my taxi.  I deposited £* into a casino account and within 15 mins my balance was down to £* (£* per spin).  I knew I had to go out shortly so I increased my stakes to £*.  My jaw nearly fell off when I netted a crazy £*  jackpot

I had a great day out naturally and I was gonna buy my first house etc.........

The following day plagued by a raging hangover I had some time to absorb the win and alarm bells should have been screaming not ringing.  I had the absurd idea that *k was a more rounded figure so withdrew it, I then lost the other *k in 2 hours.  The absurdity was compounded by the fact that I felt nothing when I lost, *k lost and NOTHING!!!!

I quickly bought a house for £** but the owners wanted two months to complete and reluctantly I had to agree.  The money in my account was obviously like a moth to a flame and subsequently the gambling obviously continued.  I couldn’t sleep on one certain night and having already lost *k of the win I decided to deposit *k onto the casino and an hour of £* spins later, I had less than the cost of the house remaining.  I was mortified and seriously contemplated suicide.

After the second and third chances the jackpots gave me I miraculously managed it again by winning 7  jackpots in the next 3 weeks.  I had gone from looking likely to pull out of the house purchase to getting my balance back up to £*

I was able to purchase the house in October 2014 but I wasn’t left with *k, I had *k left, ANOTHER ALMOST *K LOSS!!!!!!

I moved in and the gambling inevitably continued until 2016 when I was again down to less than *k and then in slightly different circumstances it happened again.  A crazy spell with casino bonuses over the rest of 16’ resulted in me winning over *k again until I inexplicably blew *k on xmas night!!!!

This was the first point I revealed my addiction to friends and family and it was widely ridiculed by all apart from my very supportive father.

2017 started with a bang winning *k in the first week of January but by the end of the year the *k+ I ended ‘16 with had turned into *k.  Government legislation changes to the gambling sector destroyed my income stream at the worst possible time and matched betting became a joke compared to it’s heyday.  £500 casino offers were now £20, £50 free bets were now £2.  The game was over and so was the gravy train.

2018-2019 was gambling constantly without any huge wins.  A 6 week period without gambling was brought crashing down in mid ‘18 when my brother was found dead in his bed at 46.  I was managing to stay afloat somehow but by late ‘19 I was broke and ashamed and actually had to briefly claim universal credits.  A loan from my father and credit cards paid for my kids xmas gifts.  I knew at this stage that I had to sell the house.

THIS WAS THE SINGLE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY ALREADY WEAK, PATHETIC LIFE.........

On the 31st of January this year I sold my house for *k (*k after fees).  Within days I was gambling for as many as 20 hours per day, I fell asleep with my dinner on my lap at one point.  I rented an apartment and paid a years rent upfront which ends on February 26th.  I jazzed up the flat but the casino house edge was haunting me daily, relentlessly clawing back every pound that it had ever loaned me with interest!!!

In April I had a moment of clarity and put in place 12 month self-exclusion at each of the 50+ casinos I had accounts with.  I had *k left and decided to try risking a final *k on around 20 new casino accounts. Every single one of them somehow lost and the *k was nearer *k!!!

I hovered around *k for a while as I did stay away for three months but inevitably it didn’t last.  In the past week I have lost all but *k of the *k I received for the house.  I am giving half to my partner tomorrow for my kids xmas presents because they are not going without because their father is a useless parasite!!

Homelessness beckons in February and a bleak future have brought me close to the brink of suicide, a heroin overdose sounds painless enough.  I will not act on impulse though and I certainly want the kids to have xmas before I potentially stigmatise them for life!!!

I have had many second chances which many others haven’t been lucky enough to have and because of my failure to learn from experience, I deserve everything that has happened.

I feel lost, out of ideas, and completely bereft of all hope............