Just wanted to say "Hello" and introduce myself and story.
Okay so here it goes... My story!
Well I'm a female in my twenties and I can finally bring myself to write the words that I have a gambling addiction. To me I used to think of a gambler as the middle aged man always at his local betting shop but I was definately wrong (sorry if I offended anyone by that quick stereotypical description). I have just brought myself to register as I need serious help and I feel like I'm going to explode with anger, frustration and selfishness. I'm saddened by how I have let myself get so out of control and really don't know where to turn. I started gambling I suppose as a teenager on the local pub fruit machines... I then made my way to the local bingo and then the Internet. I haven't a clue how to bet with regards to horse racing etc but I cannot help myself when it comes to slot machines. Money when I have it in my purse seems so rewarding yet depositing numerous amounts online seems like pretend money or something at the time and then it hits me... "what have I done?" "I'm so stupid" "why did I do that" "why didn't I stop before" "how am I going to recover my losses so no one knows". I then don't sleep and lay up all night worrying. Of course I then get the horrible urge saying "the only way is to give it another go one lucky spin and everything will be fine". Of course there have been huge highs but I am aware that this is mainly on a slim percentage of the money I have deposited over time. I don't know why I do it except that I enjoy it and because my husband works away and I Am a stay at home mum at the moment to two young children I feel lonely at night and that's when the urge hits me. My husband works so hard and while it used to be my earnings I spent I almost feel dreadful for the fact that I'm now spending his, course I know mine or his it is ours at the end of the day who ever goes out to work. I do the usual self exclusions but then the following evening sign up on something else. I know I have reasons of guilt on why I'm home whilst my husbands out working and I enjoyed working but since having a baby I feel I need to try and do something to bring something to the table and it's always in my head saying "one nice win and everyone will be treated by me". Except I have now hurt everyone and worst of all with so many other problems at the moment with family members etc I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I'm on anti depressants and feel so low and I don't even enjoy it anymore, I'm no longer in control and I just don't know where to turn. My husband hates gambling, completely against it. My mum is aware of my problem but doesn't no to what extent and my life is just becoming turmoil at the moment and I find myself not knowing how to make everything better. I hate the addiction!!! I am now a CG therefore never walk away with any winnings, I only want to win big and whilst anything would be good right now I seem to play everything away. It's Christmas I have bills to pay and for the first time it looks as though I might not be able to pay them. What do I do this to my family I love them so much yet I do this I'm so angry with myself! I'm going to bed tonight refusing to look at my bank balance and will try and sleep whilst the worry continues. Please help me, advice, steps, experiences... I would be so grateful. Kind regards Lu
Sorry for the long post
Welcome to recovery Lu š
In order to move forwards from this, you need to draw a line under any losses...Chasing is what has bought most of us to our knees! You then need to break your gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) triangle! There is blocking software for online gambling (K9 is free but there are lots more and one of the others may suit you better depending on what devices you use). I do understand your fear of telling people but how much longer do you think you can hide this? Your partner may detest gambling but finding out you have been lying to him will be devestating!
Sounds like you have a lot going on in your life, pick up the phone, give Gamcare a call & see what support they can offer!
I don't want to do this but you are also going to get some harsh words from me I'm afraid...This is not fair on your children! Sitting up all night means you will be tired when they wake, likely irritable & distracted too. I followed my loved ones into this hole & only now nearly 3 decades later, with the help of a loving partner & many many cyber friends am I figuring out how to dig myself out!
Get yourself over onto the recovery diary section & have a good read. Next time you are lonely, drop in & have a 'chat' on your own diary or pop by a few other threads & say Hi! There is a chat room that I have noticed a lot of people talking about which may work for you if you can't get out to GA meetings.
You will not feel better overnight but the fog clears very quickly once you accept that we cannot win because we cannot stop & you figure out what it is you need to do to quit.
You're not a bad person, you just took a wrong turn, getting back on the right path will be hard but it will be a million times less painful than the gambling hangovers you are surviving @ the moment! C'mon, you need to do this for you & your kids need you to do this for them, time to fight for your life back - ODAAT
ODAAT thank you for your response š
Your advice has really helped... Today I spoke to my phone company to block all premium rate add one e.g. Paying by phone deposits (the worst new accessory for addicts)! I have made a payment arrangement to clear some debt. I have spoken twice on netline which really helped and I have done some research on some f to f gambling counselling. I also took your advice and went with K9 software to see how it can help!
Obviously I'm aware this is just the start of the battle and believe me the demon in my head won't shut up "go on give it another go" but I despise it I really do. I no longer enjoy it I do it only because of addiction, sadly it got me whilst my guard was down.
Sadly I have realised I originally used it as a sense of amusement whilst I was lonely with the hubby away and no family and friends being local. I know I also feel a sense of guilt due to not working even though I'm looking after my two young children. It's not that I resent any way of being there as a full time mum, more the fact that I'm no longer earning therefore my head tells me "one win and you can treat them all" of course that never happens... Well tell a lie it did once back in the day where I had control and had some luck. The enormous rush I got from winning was purely allowing me to give to those who deserved a treat e.g. Holiday. Sadly I suppose the feeling I got then I longed for again and again and never got... I must of known deep down but still my head took over.
Whilst I believe my gambling started off as fun I do believe now as I mentioned down to loneliness and guilt. My husband will be home after months away from the kids and me and I am really trying to see this all as a fresh start to battle this inner demon and go to bed normally. Don't worry about the harsh words, I completely agree! I know it has impacted upon how I am so I'm just thankful that I finally took the first step.
I'm definately going to speak to someone over the phone next I think. Hopefully when the baby is napping so they can actually hear me š
Again thank you x
your story is the same as mine hun-im on day 8 now first two days were rough but worth the feeling i am experiencing now-feel free-probably going to have a better christmas than i thought because im not feeding the machines for some fat cat to live in luxury-lost 1500 last month ive done it before but i know i would have gone on in december and blown away next salary-but get paid next week and determined to make a good christmas for everyone-i hve got boys big presents out of catalogue which disgusts me when i had more than enough to get them everything and i wasted and blew it-i have found i was more anxious gambling than not doing it-keep busy hun- i am deep in debt and sorry to everyone even me-keep strong hun please x
Hi guys I am back.
So my gambling got worse and again I was back on the slots. I'm now worse than ever only gambling to try and win back money I need to pay off debts. It sickens me to my stomach. I no longer sleep much usually worrying awake all night feeling guilty or asking to borrow money. It's horrible. I have been to the doctors and told them. They got a person to call me and to register on a course. It was an hour phone call of which I spoke in depth. They seem to think my gambling is a tool I use to block everything I don't know.
I have also come clean to my husband. It was not as bad as what I thought I assumed he might divorce me but he's sticking with me for now . To be honest I would of divorced me by now. It sickens me to think what I have wasted. I feel like im just a complete let down and my finances run on a day to day basis worrying what needs to be paid. Right now I'm late on two loans not really sure what to do. I really wanted to go to meetings but the closest is an hour away and I have two kids to look after. I'm really struggling and need serious help otherwise everything is going to fall apart. Please help me. I'm ruining everything and I have lost control.
Lu
Ditto what uncertain outcomes has said.
When i contacted Stepchange and a dmp was put in place i felt a huge weight lifted. Threatening letters and phone calls stopped and i felt posotive steps were being taken to adddress my debt.
They dont take all your money and leave you enough to live on.
Give them a call. Nothing to lose.
Best wishes
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