Staying positive, remaining committed

Hello all, I hope you’re all well

I made it to 22 days without a bet but relapsed this weekend and lost my savings. It’s irritating that I slipped back into old habits and found myself repeating actions, betting on similar markets in a similar fashion yet expecting a different outcome, of course it always ends the same way.

Trying not to be too hard of myself this time as have a feeling that dwelling on the situation tempts us back to try and make amends. The only way to make amends is by staying away completely.

The next time I get the urge I will repeat to myself, “I don’t do that anymore.”

Right then day 1, this can’t become a cycle.

4 days GF, still experiencing urges but determined not to slip up again. I’ve self excluded from the gambling site I used when I relapsed on the weekend. It was one where my exclusion period had ended and my details were previously saved. Reading back on this thread makes me pretty disapointed in myself though. It’s so strange how our addiction can override clear memories of how we have felt utter heartache and we take the risk all over again. The consequences are not worth the experience. Gambling is a mugs game and will result in misery. I know and acknowledge this now but still have betting thoughts. I suppose as it’s something I spent a lot of time on over the duration of years I’ve reprogrammed my brain somewhat. I assume this will mean it will take a long period of abstinence for these thoughts to leave my mind. The only issue is I’m extremely impatient. Going to revert back to the day by day advice and try to remain active on the forum as it’s a huge help. I stopped posting for a fair while before my relapse. It’s important to remind ourselves of the reality of gambling daily.

Relapsed again and so fed up of doing this to myself. I've noticed I almost always gamble when feeling down. I’ve got to fix a few things in my life and I know this. I’m not happy with where I’m at and I gamble to escape. It works for a short while but I continue until I’ve done as much damage as I possibly can. Then I think to myself, why did I just do that? But I’ve done it over and over again. When the pain fades I go back rinse then repeat. It’s like we are masochists and take satisfaction from inflicting pain upon ourselves. It’s madness, right now I feel like I never want to gamble again. I must remember how this feels and not let the addiction cloud the painful memories. What has gambling done for me? Offered me temporary thrills in exchange for inevitable heartache. It’s essentially a trap that I keep falling into to time after time. I’ve got to wise up and rise above this. I’ve got to believe in myself once again. I’m better than this, we all are.

I was 5 days gf and relapsed. Lost almost 2k in a week. I still feel sick and disgusted now but the money I can replace. My dignity and self worth however is going to take time. I'm on day 2 again now. The last week has seen my biggest loss and has been absolutely rock bottom for me. It has shocked me and really opened my eyes to what I have become.
I'm going to beat this one day at a time I will repay my debts and I will replace the money I have squandered. 12 months from now I will be living a different life gamble free.

Hang in there, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and try again. It's all we can do. Good luck

Thanks LH, I’m going to do exactly what you suggest and dust myself off, hopefully for the last time. I’ve proven to myself I can abstain for short periods and rebuild somewhat. The true test is when I’ve made it past the inital phase and the pain has faded to an extent. It’s at that point I throw all that progress out of the window. I’m so weak minded these days it seems. I think gambling has taken away my faith and self respect. It’s made me a shadow of the person I was before I gambled. I can often be with friends and family and just feel empty with circling negative thoughts. I struggle to connect and engage with things I should be grateful for because I’m too exhausted from my gambling binges. I’ve checked back into the challenge and I must for the sake of my sanity have a real good go at it this time. I can’t be half hearted anymore, I know this habit is destroying me and I must prevent it from doing anymore damage from this day forth.

I wish you luck on your journey LH and hope to stay connected.

It’s mad how at multiple intervals I could of moved on and started building towards a brighter GF future but once again I’m sat here with nothing having scurried back to the rat trap once again. The addiction tells me sweet lies that I can escape with the bit of cheese this time, but I never do. Mental note to self - you have zero control when you gamble, it’s a lifestyle choice which you have to leave in the past and learn from. With each relapse I feel I’ve learnt more and more about my addiction. I’ve read before that you can see your losses as tuition fees for an important life lesson which put you on the right track. I need to occupy my mind in the days to come with things that aren’t gambling related. I’m not too different from a coke addict who splurges hundreds to get a short lived buzz. I’ve been doing this for far too long and could be living a comfortable life by now but instead I’m broke once again, why am I broke? Because I chose to gamble. What am I going to do differently this time? Not gamble and remain strong for longer, I will also revisit this post whenever I’m feeling down. I will regain my inner belief and do it right this time.

Keep fighting it, I'm on day 3 now had a horrible day, me and my ex tried to patch things up today and it didn't go well (the break up a few weeks ago caused my latest booze and gambling binge) But I'm not crying into a bottle of wine and throwing my last pennies down the drain. I am strong enough to beat this and so are you!

I decided to look back into some online support to stay gf. The cycle of relapse , recover , repeat. Years of this. I know, I see that others also know. And this disease escalates. If you want to call it a disease or an addiction or behavior malfunction. I don't like to clean but I've dusted myself off so many times. I've gotten back up. And then again. somehow at a point I was beginning to see progress amongst the sorry attempts to stay quit. I kept on trying and was able to get to this place of having something to show for myself. Still I continued. But, still I keep on trying and I do have something after 13 or so years of all this hell on earth. I'll never give up. I'm going to keep on building a better life with better choices. I get nervous, I get so afraid of the future that I can not sleep for days. I have some cash saved now but with my work being cut back recently and putting so much time and energy into 'what's next?' , or what is the smart move. Well, I'm often exhausted. I manange to recover from this exhaustion and have some periods of grace and sanity. Times when I can count my blessings. this is going to take time. And what do I really want? I want some security financially and a greater sense of well being. I want to feel grounded and well rested. a little at a time, I tell myself. I really believe that this binge cycle of gamble recover gamble recover is wearing itself out with me. Gamble , recover ... it ends with recover. It's two words repeated. I want to put a great big exclamation point after recover! just two words.. gamble, recover and stop right there. Recover recover recover. Now it's just one word. Soon we can add a 'd'. recovered! Finally we can do this. yay Ah, it's been a long haul. I think that any of us who have been in this recovery process must have built somethings to be greatful about along the way. We never lose those things unless we totally give up. Keep on trying , that is what I say. And I am so happy that when I need to revisit these help sights that they are still active. Thanks for everyones words. God Bless. tara2

Great post Tara, I’ll try to respond in greater detail once I’ve got through this Monday. From here on in it must be recover recover recover like you say!

Another morning spent with the thoughts of why didn’t I stop when ahead or even. I know why, it’s because I’m physically unable to stop once I start. I have enough evidence now to know that I’m incapable of walking away until I have nothing left. I’ve got to move on, I’m making a mockery of my username by moving forward only to revert backwards once again, I’ve had enough now.

All true moving forward. What you say is true to you and so many of us as cgs. Just abandoning any restraint , maybe because there is no restraint to quit playing once engaged because it's' addiction by design'. Yes, there is much written about how slots are designed to do exactly what you describe. . . to have us , what THEY call, playing to extinction (until all available funds are exhausted. thanks for appreciating my post. gamble recover, gamble recover, gamble recover. recover! recover! recovered! done. We will succeed by continuing on the path. tara

It’s never been slots for me personally. I used to stupidly believe I was better than somebody who takes punts on slots, roulette or any of the other multiple forms of gambling. Truth is I’m not and I’m still wagering money on odds that are stacked against me. All these systems are designed with a house advantage and to occasionally throw you a bone to keep you hooked. They all also offer that feeling of anticipation mixed with the release of adrenaline/dopamine. These huge companies lure us in and bleed us dry. The thoughts I’ve been having today about walking away at points/not placing a bet on this or that are not helpful so I’m trying to suppress them. I know deep down I’m grateful for the fact I lost it all again because it’s further evidence that this is what happens when I and so many others partake in gambling. As soon as we place that first bet we are doomed, we set ourselves up for failure by treading down a path with only one destination. We know where we will arrive, in a place of darkness eventually. We’ve been to this place many times before. It’s as if a sick twisted part of my addicted brain is fond of this place. We may get wins along the way which delay the journey but we always continue until we reach the darkness. In one of my previous posts I wrote - “this can’t become a cycle”. Reading back on that I realise it’s already a cycle and has been for quite sometime. The only positives I can take from the relapses are with each one my resolve has grown stronger. 2017 has been quite a dark and disappointing year in general but I think it’d be unrealistic to think every year of your life will be care free and devoid of obstacles. Next year will be different Tara & LH, I hope we can stay connected and beat this together. As strange as it sounds I now feel obligated to payback those who have been kind enough to offer support by showing them I can beat this.

All the very best, MF

Just read a line out of Allen Carr’s the easy way preview on google books. “Gambling becomes a problem the moment you think it can help you.” Resonated with me massively so felt the need to note it immediately, I’m also going to buy this book, I may even ask for it for Christmas.

Day 3 GF and it’s been a very long one. I could be at work feeling positive about adding to my earnings with Christmas just around the corner but I’m not because I chose to gamble again. Instead I’m building up from the ever so familiar zero. I’ve spent this year being a slave to gambling and I’m sick of it. What I’m starting to realise is I don’t need the money that I’ve lost, what I do need is a gamble free life away from all the stress it causes. It’s taken away my integrity and inner peace. I’ve read others on here talk about how compulsive gambling behaviour can often be a coping mechanism, I think this applies to me. It’s so twisted as I could cope a lot better with day to day life without gambling, I’m now sure of that. We all used to believe that gambling could offer us something, or provided something we needed, similar to a crutch. The truth is is doesn’t provide anything, it’s just takes your time and your treasure. After all that is exactly what it’s designed to do, we often seem to forget that.

Mugs game, utter mugs game.

“Luck often visits a fool, but never sits down with him” - German proverb.

Day 4 GF, had fleeting thoughts about gambling this morning but batted them away. Actually had quite a positive day in the end and was in good spirits. Feeling like I’m finally letting all of this go. I truly do feel different this time around, I’m no longer lying to myself, I really do want a life free of gambling. I lost a 5er on the way home somehow, that really irked me as I went to pay for my haircut and had less money than I thought. It’s kinda crazy to me how losing 5 pounds in physical money can really grate at me but losing large amounts as figures on a screen became routine. I don’t even long for wins gambling anymore, it’s dirty money and is worthless. The money we earn is for spending on things which bring us pleasure, I’ve spent the entire of 2018 spending my money on something which has caused me nothing but pain. 2018 will be different, it must be.

On we march.

Just a fly by with a recommendation to consider Russell Brand’s book “Recovery” instead. There is nothing easy about recovery & from what I managed of the book you were thinking of reminded me of a Joe Pasquale’s “I know a song that will get on your nerves” with lyrics by Grange Hill’s Zammo “Just say no”