Hi all
I can't quite believe I've found myself here tonight. I got home from work early and in a good mood. I was in debt but had finances for the rest of the month. In my bank account was £780 that I had just had deposited by ***** after a lucky football bet win.
I've been gambling for just over 4 years now, although I've been in complete denial. I'm also a matched bettor and 'advantage' gambler. I'm not sure if anyone here is familiar with Profit Accumulator - a 'risk free' approach to online gambling. It's fairly sound if you stick to the rules but what they don't tell you is that it exposes you to a whole new world of gambling opportunities and can open doors that lead to addiction - that's what happened to me.
I've spent so long thinking I play the system; that I give myself an edge but 'lack a bit of self control'. The truth is, I used this system on and off for 4 years and each time, I had to stop because I would blow all my profits, and then some, on a hand of Blackjack. So many times this has happened, but tonight really clinched it - I totally lost control. I'm going to run through what happened in the hope that anyone reading will be able to feed off the sheer stupidity and perhaps call upon it in their moments of weakness.
6:30 - Deposited £20 into Sky Bet for a roulette offer - lost £2 on the offer. Tried to chase the loss. Ended up blowing all £20.
6:45 - Deposited another £30 and placed on a hand of Blackjack - I thought I'd chase the loss and make the profit I was hoping to make - lost the bet
6:50 - Deposited £50 - same idea - lost again
This was where I had met my deposit limit for Sky, so I went over to *****.
7:00 - Deposited £300 (I knew if I lost the £100 I'd want it covered...) Lost the £100 and the £200 - called it a day (I wish!)
8:30 - Deposited £300 into ***** again - wagered on Blackjack - won. Looked at my £600 and thought about the remaining £100 I had lost. Surely I could get it back if I was 'smart'. Wagered £50 twice, won both, balance back to £700.
9:00 - sit at my computer and think about what a lucky boy I am. £700 back in the bank and no harm done.
9:10 - Work is boring, itchy finger leads me to the blackjack table again. I try for a low risk strategy but instead try doubling down on all my losses. £700 down to 0 in 10 minutes.
£700 DOWN ALL BECAUSE I WAS CHASING A £2 LOSS...
Following that, I attempted to get a payday loan. My thinking was that I would put £1000 on one hand. If it won, I would pay off the loan straight away with no interest. If it lost, I would just take the hit over several months. And really, right here, I have no idea what happened. I just pictured every person I know who has an ounce of common sense was watching me through the window, hands to their mouths and eyes wide just willing me not to be an idiot. It stopped me taking the loan and forced me to take a look at myself.
10:00 - I'm self excluded from every gambling website that I am part of.
Tonight got me thinking really hard. When did this all begin for me? I wasn't always prone to things like this, but actually, since my gambling took off I've lost control in other areas of my life as well. I pinned it back to the time, a few years ago, when my father was dying. I would literally be visiting him in his care home then going home and gambling all night. The urge was so powerful that I would be thinking about it even as I was visiting him. It was a form of comfort in the face of trauma. A release of one of those lovely brain chemicals that I must have been so lacking in at the time. This is the moment when an addiction is born. In a moment of weakness.
So the truth I have to face up to, aside from that I have a gambling addiction, is that I'm searching for something to fill a massive hole. All this nonsense has been a time-wasting attempt to paper over some seriously massive cracks. I need to find self-control in all areas of my life if I'm get a hold of this particular vice.
Sorry to ramble, if you've read this far, I'm sure it's out of a sense of moral duty so thank you.
I've just seen that one of the bookies I named was starred out - is that because you're not supposed to use company names? Sorry if I've broken the rules. Please feel free to edit.
Hi Jabobo.
There is no shame in admitting that it got to you and you lose control like all compulsive gamblers do. Its an addiction that works on many levels and is quite complex.
Part of you thinks you can be sensible with it but the controlling part craves the dopamine and the chasing. You crave that excitement of chemical rushes but the craving can and will destroy you if you continue. Its got new lows in store that you havent even considered yet
We delude ourseves regarding the odds and nobody likes losing so when there is another chance we will move heaven and earth to take that chance. That may be going back to the servicetill or taking out a payday loan. Its understandable that you dont like losing but they already had you when you placed your first bet.
The truth is that the red mist or trance has set in and we are totally out of control on dopamine, fear, anxiety and adrenaline. All these are strong feelings within the body and whether you have food in the cupboards gets put to one side. Yes fear plays a part too because when we are hundreds or thousands down part of the brain starts to realise we are in deep.
You need to stop now. You need to reach out for all the help on offer and do the exercises. Sit down with a family member and explain a gambling session...it will sound like madness and addiction to them but you must face reality.
You must face the reality that the gambling dens not offering you an income scheme. They sleep at night because they have calculated that they win a percentage no matter what and the odds are always in their favour. Do you think they take a risk with their last money??...no its all calculated so they pay out with other punters money...quite secure for them
Who pays for all those shops and sites...you do along with all the other losing punters. You also pay their, mortgages, yacht insurance and holidays to tropical islands. Im trying to get you to focus on the enemy and you dont need gambling in your life. Look at and be honest about what gambling has done to you already
Please talk to gamcare again and even the doctor. I have felt anxiety and depression all my life and gambling was a pressure valve for that.
Being gamble free is a wonderful feeling of serenity and self control. I hope you will start taking the proper steps for a full recovery
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Matched betting is a gateway. The industry don't do or offer anything that isn't in their own interests.
Truth is you won't get a hold on the gambling now or ever. Stop now and you have every chance of a normal life. Carry on and kiss goodbye to peace of mind and dignity. You are right when you say you need to identify and address what it is that's driving the addiction. Gamcare offer free counselling sessions that can help with this and GA meetings will provide you with ongoing advice and support.
I actually enjoyed reading your story as I have myself been In a similar situation many a time
Thankfully I no longer have access to hundreds or thousands to gamble with so im unable to do much heavy damage to myself
Im glad you managed to stop yourself from getting the payday loan as I wouldn’t of fancied your chances with a £1000 hand
of online blackjack
I sometimes play 1 or £2 hands on sky blackjack and somehow the computer always manages to pull 21 from a 4,5 or 6 it always puts me off putting any bigger stakes on it
im 100% certain that this happens much less on a real table with real cards the dealer will usually go bust
strange
anyway you seem to have hit a point where you a pretty fed up with it , much like myself I find casino games such as blackjack and roulette so thrilling until I actually play them and lose my money which again strangely happens a lot more often than winning does
for me the thought of playing with say 50 or £100 and going on a lucky “run” into the thousands is what has kept me in the casinos over the years
of course in 8 years’ worth of casino gambling Ive never had that “lucky run” the most ive ever won in one go is about £300 hardly a life changing amount
guess we have to keep reminding myself of these facts
Thanks guys. Some extremely sound and measured advice. It hurts me to think that it comes from people who are feeling the same amount of pain as me. Kudos to all of you who convert that pain into goodness by coming on here and helping others.
As for me, a light at the end of the tunnel I guess. I had no idea of the blackness of this hole I had dug until this morning. I woke up feeling freer than ever. I addressed every problem at work with patience and good humour. I felt happier coming clean to myself than I could ever be from a big win. I know this is a passing wave and that there will be tough times ahead; that addiction is a lifelong journey rather than a bump in the road. But I tell you what, I feel so good now thinking that I've taken the right turning for once and, more importantly, that I'm the one behind the wheel and not some digitally enhanced card shuffler.
Thanks again for your advice and kindness. I feels good to reach out š
JaBoBo wrote:
Thanks guys. Some extremely sound and measured advice. It hurts me to think that it comes from people who are feeling the same amount of pain as me. Kudos to all of you who convert that pain into goodness by coming on here and helping others.
As for me, a light at the end of the tunnel I guess. I had no idea of the blackness of this hole I had dug until this morning. I woke up feeling freer than ever. I addressed every problem at work with patience and good humour. I felt happier coming clean to myself than I could ever be from a big win. I know this is a passing wave and that there will be tough times ahead; that addiction is a lifelong journey rather than a bump in the road. But I tell you what, I feel so good now thinking that I've taken the right turning for once and, more importantly, that I'm the one behind the wheel and not some digitally enhanced card shuffler.
Thanks again for your advice and kindness. I feels good to reach out š
Hi there, all i need to say is now the only way you can go is up and that should comfort you. I too am in a similar position and its important to realise the sooner you stop the sooner you can improve everything. Gambling and addiction does strike when we are in a dark place, its through strength of character that we get through it life is filled with these challenges. However an analogy i like to use is smokers who stop smoking eventually clear their lungs from the pollution and the sooner you stop the sooner your mind will become unpolluted and you can go back to being the normal best version of you. Be strong and keep us updated, you got this my friend.
Libertine
Hi JaBoBo,
I didn't want to read and run. I could relate to a lot of your story, thank you for sharing. I'm really glad you had that moment of clarity. I have had one before myself. I'm back in the fog, but reading stories like yours is helping me to clear it a bit and see more clearly. Thanks again.
Hey man,
I really relate to your story! It’s a difficult road ahead but put all the blocks in place (sense, gamstop) and over time the urges will reduce. A budget sheet of weekly spending will also help. Keep positive and understand your not alone with this struggle. You will get urges along the way but don’t listen to the lies my friend. They don’t want money, just the high. Chasing the high only ever left me with depression, self loathing, isolation and despair. Fight the urges, expose them for what they are! Over time it will get easier.. Take care man
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