Time to call it a day

Here goes..

I don't have the resolve to admit the extent of my problem to those around me although some know, others suspect but the shame and disappointment would be too much. So, I'm just going to let it all out on here now that I finally feel I've got the strength to get past this.

Sometimes I try to pinpoint where it all started and I trace it right back to my mid teens (I'm 40 now). The fruit machines in arcades and pubs were the first stop. Those of a certain age may recall that back in the 90s you could tell when a machine was due to pay out; you could look through the reels and see how full the tubes were. Of course, this wasn't foolproof but in those days it was a few quid and nothing more and often this method would work. Those days long passed.

My gambling continued though as technology on the fruit machines moved on and I would, and continued to do so, find it hard to go into a pub without playing a machine.

Dotted in between this would be the very rare trips to the casino, the ultimate gambling buzz of watching the roulette wheel and waiting for that ball to drop in your number. To be fair, the casino was never an issue for me, I would enter with a set amount I could afford and if I lost go home, if I won, it was usually big in comparison but it was a prompt...

Fast forward a few years to the invention of betting shop consoles. I avoided them like a plague but started a new job and started accompanying a colleague to the shop at lunch. He would play them, so I joined in. Losing 20-30 each lunch time.

Then it escalated to stopping off at another shop on the way home, another 20-30 quid. By now this was borrowed money, credit cards and the like and it was picking up.

One big win on the machine had my feeling I had the beating of them. I had a system so it escalated and my stakes grew with my confidence. Of course, there hasn't been a repeat win.

At the same time online casinos were becoming the norm. I also now had a young family who were away for a few days and one evening I took up one of the many ads and joined an online site. My first venture resulted in a £4000 win but the withdrawal process was ridiculously involved so I simply gambled it away instead. That win would have cleared my credit cards and put me right but I blew it.

Then begins the chase, I kept chasing and chasing until within a few months I had well over £10K debt. Added to existing debts I now had £20K owed and I couldn't keep up. I partially came clean but not as to the full reason for the debt. I approached stepchange and got my finances in order and felt I was beginning to get some control. Those weeks and months of creditors were hell, a real low point and I believed that I'd learned from this. This was 12 years ago. During this time and spare cash was used on the family and the home but gambling sites become more common and I slowly slipped back in to gambling online. Throughout this the fruit machine addiction never stopped. Each month I was out of cash by the second week and I feel like c**P for two weeks until I got paid and could gamble again. Every week I would resolve, that's it but I didn't stop.

I kept continuing to gamble online, trying out new sites but my online spending was low. Until that was I had another big win. A £5K win from a £10 deposit made a big difference; we had a holiday, bought a car and felt really good for a little while. But, of course, I thought I could do it again. I learnt when the online slots would usually pay out their jackpots and, at those times, ploughed money in to them without any luck as I should have known; but it was mine, that jackpot was so close to being mine I could almost spend the money. No other win has ever arrived.

About a year ago, I obtained new credit card (I now have four). While not all of it is due to gambling, the combined £5K has been at least partially built up by online gambling. My £20 a month became £100, or £10 a day, £20 a day and very recently I'd find myself deposit £100 a day for 2-3 days running.

I mentioned 12 years ago was my debt rock bottom, I had agreements in place to pay off my debt and this week I discovered it was now all gone, everything finally paid. I should be celebrating but I have another £5K that shouldn't be there. That's not such an issue, I can pay it but I can't let it get any worse.

Last month I won a grand, promised myself I'd pay some off and treat myself to some new clothes but isntead I found myself declining to pay £50 for trousers of £30 for a shirt but not flinching at depositing £100 to gamble.

The big moment for me was that sobering thought two days ago, when I realised the extra cash I had I've gambled away; not just the £1000 but money I should be keeping for something else. I'd deposited £200 in an hour and could feel myself slipping back to where I was 12 years ago, the darkest days of my life without a doubt.

Over the last year I've closed accounts, self-excluded (for those that don't make it devilishly impossible to do so) but when I've felt the need to gamble, usually when I've been upset by something, drunk, angry, disappointed with something (I know now it's been my crutch), I'd hunt down a site I've not registered on start again. I'd get some wins at times profitting over the month but in the main I would simply blow all of my money. If it hasn't been online it's been pub slots. I've thought nothing of sticking £100 at times in to a maching with a £100 jackpot. I like to think I'm an intelligent guy but when I see the lights and chasing a loss the maths mean nothing to me.

I wasn't going to put this in but hell why not be totally honest and in all fairness it's actually as funny as it is embarrassing. About a week ago, I'd been gambling online all night, when I'd finally lost I stood up to go to bed only to realise that at some point I thought I'd broken wind but had done something a little more substantial! Now, this may have happened had I been watching TV but I honestly think I was so focused on what was happening on the screen in front of me that I simply failed to notice! There's a big sign for me that I had a problem.

Last night was the night. I've started a new job, have no old debt and can manage comfortably the debt I've built up recently. I really have to make a change. I've promised myself I'd do this so many times before but I've always been afraid to share my experience. As I said at the beginning, I won't and can't talk about it but just banging on the keyboard tonight is massively therapeutic.

So, last night I logged in, gave myself a £10 goodbye gamble (I know, I know!) then systematically logged on to every single gambling site I could find and immediately self-excluded. This took all night, there were sites I didn't even know I'd registered. I honestly think that there isn't a site out there I can get in to now. I no longer go in to the betting shops and I've stopped popping to the pub which is now my only temptation. When I think that I was in effect spending £40 a time to have a pint I feel physically sick, I've not won anything from these machines in years but still I played them.

So, it's just one day but one day more than before. It may be cowardly to not talk to anybody about it but I like my privacy and this is likely to be as far as I get in terms of getting off my chest. Believe me when I say just writing about this is a huge relief. The hour I've spent typing this would normally be spent praying for three symbols, diamonds, spidermans, rhinos or whatever to appear on the slot I'm playing and throwing more money and time away. In fact, recently my evenings have been spent sending the kids upstairs earli
er than ever so I could gamble in secret. Tonight I've got back to sitting and talking and playing with them, something I always did and I've lost recently. Then I've spent the time typing this and I feel so much better than I do when I see spinning reels on my laptop screen.

I'm not unrealistic, I know I'll be tempted again but I've closed off some avenues to gambling and I'm recalling those horrible days of a dozen years ago and I know I couldn't survive going there again.

I've got lucky, I've taken control myself before I spiral any further.

I don't really like motivational quotations but this one is a strong message and, cheesy though it may be, I like it. Throughout all of these dark days, something I read in Ricky Tomlinson's autobiography sticks with me. He was quoting his Dad when referring to his own debt problems in earlier life. He says, "The darkest day of your life only lasts 24 hours".

I don't know how active these forums but apologies or the length of post, I've had 12 years of dark days to get off my chest in one go.

J