Time to finally stop, before it's too late

Hello Simon - Congrtulations on your first day of not gambling. To say I enjoyed reading your post sounds odd, as I can see that you are at a low point, but you have brilliantly articulated your feelings about gambling - emotions that so many of us feel.

Compulsive gambling has no respect for class, gender, financial standing or education. That is the incomprehensibility of it - as you read the stories here you will come to realise that people have lost everything, despite their intelligence, status etc. That is the terrible danger of compulsive gambling - it completely destroys our ability for logical thought. Even when we know we are losing hundreds, sometimes thousands, we get locked into a zombie-like self-destruct pattern.

So well done on realising that you need to do something to stop this downward spiral.

So, first things first - have you self-excluded permanently from the online gambling sites you use? Not just closing accounts, but self-excluding. Next, install a blocking software on your computer - K9 is free, but there are also other such as Gamblok or TXNoGam. These physical barriers to temptation are a Godsend.

You describe your life which sounds good - a decent job and a happy family. But have you thought about what actually triggers you into wanting to gamble? It could be boredom, stress, loneliness (that last one may seem daft but sometimes you can feel lonely even surrounded by family, friends etc.). Very often if you can begin to deal with an issue which is prompting a certain behaviour you will begin to see why you have gambled recklessly.

You speak about the void which will exist when you stop. What interested you before gambling took hold of your life? With a new baby due in six weeks' time I would guess that life will be pretty hectic for you all soon, but try to develop some interests that will replace gambling. Exercise, music, learning a new skill, simply spending more time with your family - all these can replace gambling and lead to a more satisfying and fulfilling life.

Some of the stories here are truly inspiring - I would urge you to read anything by James P for example. He has lost so much to gambling over the years, but has found a new life for himself and is an inspiration to many.

I hope this hasn't been too much of a ramble and that you may glean some useful things from it. I wish you well on your journey.

Joanna

Hi Simon, thank you for sharing this well-written and heartfelt opening post,

Your words strike many chords with me my friend; I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago.

I felt exactly as you did when I was trying to stop; anxious, depressed, hollow - this had been part of my life, all my life - I knew no other way of living.

I also questioned whether I could live a life devoid of "the buzz", regardless of the significant damage compulsive gambling was doing to my life.

I knew that I had to change, and change everything, so I pushed myself into finding other ways of occupying my time; now I do charity work, go hiking, write, sing and so much more.

I can look back with an open mind and a clear head; gambling is ultimately a self-destructive entity, so I wonder what I ever got from it. To me, the answer is "false hope" - the excitement was derived from the fact that I could win, stop, walk away and spend the money like anyone else could or would. Now, I know what a complete falsehood that was - winning made me want more, at higher stakes (which invaribaly led to losing), and losing gave me soul-wrenching desperation and heartache, which invariably led to losing money I didn't have. I couldn't spend that money, and never could, because I couldn't stop.

The things I mentioned above give me something different - life affirming thoughts, genuine happiness and fulfilment; they can put me on a genuine high for days - gambling gave me a sensation that was based on something that didn't exist, plus it was always fleeting - it didn't last for long and then we experience a different kind of hollow feeling because we have been through something that has lifted us, but we haven't actually achieved anything, learnt anything or gained the respect and admiration from those we love.

You are right to consider your position and value where you are in life my friend. I lost everything, many times over - you are in the minority, the cherished minority, because you are one of the few that have come here before it is too late.

If you question how life would be without gambling my friend, then ask yourself whether, what you experience whilst doing so, is worth feeling the way you do right now. It is difficult in the beginning, but the urges will lessen significantly in time - there will be down days, there will be boring days but that is just normal life my friend; as a good friend told me "Not every day can be an adventure" - it can't, but there are always options, positive options to get through those times.

The strage thing is that, after a while, I didn't feel bored at all, mostly because I was more relaxed and felt like I could appreciate the simple things in life again like a good book, a long walk or seeing friends; things like that seemed like a hindrance or a distraction previously - I felt like I was "living on the edge" whilst others maintained their humdrum lives; the reality was that I was consumed by something that didn't exist, whilst they got something from life.

You seem like a decent, caring, intelligent guy Simon. You have a good life, a great family and a very decent career; if you carry on, then every aspect of that is likely to be affected. It is very likely that your wife already has her suspicions - if she finds out by her own means, then you risk absolutely everything my friend; if you read the "Family and Friends" section, you will see that in 99% of cases, broken trust and dishonesty is far, far worse than the money itself - if you chose not to, then it is your decision to do so my friend; use that has further fuel to stop because if you don't, you might have to, and again, that might be much worse than coming clean now.

I look forward to reading your diary my friend - it is a very positive step. Try and be positive; this may seem like a bad time, but if you stop right now and look back on this post in 5/10 years, you will likely breathe a huge sigh of relief that you did the right thing at exactly the right time.

JamesP

Thank you so much for your posts James P & Joanna. I found both really helpful.

This is now day 3 for me. Last night I experienced a craving. A thought about spending 50 on online poker. I can afford 50. I hear myself think. And 'it's fun and exciting'.

But the truth is that it never stops there. Even if I win with that 50, it's a seed that is planted. It's my dopamine receptors firing on all cylinders, then wanting more and more of the same. And in a way it is scary that after only 3 days, I already have emotional amnesia from how terrible I felt on Sunday on the back of losing 600 that day and 3300 over the past month.

So as per the game plan, I am coming on here to acknowledge the desire to gamble and to recognise it as an addiction wanting to suck me back in. There have been too many people on these forums that have hit rock bottom and their stories are providing me with the determination to stop my own spiral in it's tracks.

On a positive note, I found an app called gratitude journal. Every day it prompts you to record the things that you are grateful for today. I've started doing this in order to start appreciating what I have more. It's easy to take the basic things for granted. And when we really take the time to look, it can be quite overwhelming just how much we truly have to be grateful for. I recommend this app and also this daily ritual to anyone struggling to rebuild their lives due to gambling. Gratitude is a powerful antidote to unhappiness.

Best wishes to all.

Simon

Well done Simon on your third day of freedom and sanity! I can well understand that urge to spend just 50 but you were very wise to mentally walk away. I see the gambling urge as a nasty little troll sitting on my shoulder (a bit like that horrible mucus-thing in the TV ad!) whispering in my ear 'Go on..' But as people have said on here before, treat the urge as a fleeting thing - a few seconds, and then do something else.

The app you have found sounds very interesting. It's good to give ourselves a mental 'kick up the ****' to remind ourselves of the blessings in our lives. I know I have many, and sometimes I look back at my family history to remember loved ones who worked so hard to give me a safe, loving home and a good education. Any relapse for me now would be a betrayal of their struggles.

Keep strong.

Joanna