Utter Disbelief

Hi sapphira I'm so sorry for your loss. As you say you now have 2 mountains to climb. I don't think there is such a thing as a frugal gambler if you've become compulsive. You are drawn to things which shut out the real world. I would call gamcare talk to someone, get support and advice. They offer free counselling. I don't know if you were offered any support when you lost your husband but maybe that's an option too. To have some peace of mind the best thing is to stop completely. Gambling definitely messes with your head. You can download online blocks, k9, gamban etc. Self exclude. This is a progressive illness and a very difficult addiction to beat. I'm wife of a cg and he probably thought the same, I can control it, I can afford it. But it robs you of your sanity, your family, your feelings, your life. The gambling companies do all they can to reel you in and get you hooked. Don't be ashamed or afraid to tell anyone. Reach out and get some help. Come on here instead of wasting time in an endless destructive pastime. Reading the diaries will show you how some have lost everything. The only way to feel better is to stop. Please call the helpline. Just for today don't gamble.

Hi Sapphira.

Im sorry to hear about losing your Husband and that will be a major trigger for gambling which sucks you in and gets you hooked. You will learn that many people gamble for escape from depression and feeling numb.

Can you tell us more about how much you gambled becuase you need to sit down and face the facts. You say money can be reclaimed but the dangerous thing about a gambling addiction is that it gets through essential money faster than anything.

Do I see a touch of denial there because I see thousands being gambled and you state an actual loss of 100? I lost thousands because I was an addict. You mention a win to justify some feelings but the truth is that will just reinforce your mind into thinking that its an income scheme.

Gambling was never the answer to your feelings, your finances or your grief. It will ruin you and it has caused untold misery. You will learn all about the addiction. A compulsive gambler can never be a frugal gambler but what is a frugal gambler. It is an irresponsible act with all the odds against you.

Do you know the real odds on machines because I could tell you. You wouldnt gamble with me in the street if I offered those odds with a ball under one of many cups. Yet we fed money into those machines like there was no tomorrow.

Please phone Gamcare and try and build up some family support. You should not keep secrets and must be ready for a born again moment

You dont need gambling in your life and being gamble free is a wonderful feeling

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

I don't know how to reply individually but thank you so much to both of you for replying. Merry-go-round I truly hope you were able to stay married and you are so right about the psychological effect of gambling. Coming from Blackpool I would often have a little play on the pusher games but thought slots were a mugs game but now I do the same but online. I don't like to go out so this is now done in isolation, alone. That's a woeful situation. Thanks for writing and all the best.

JoyDivider, thanks for replying as well. I couldn't control the loss of my Husband so I thought I would do something I could control to ease my dreadful pain but as you indicate, it's the gambling that's doing the controlling. I'm going to go through all my bank statements today to be sure about my loss. I know I have spent around £5000 but I'm not yet certain on the actual loss. In the beginning I'd gamble through cashback sites so I was guaranteed not to lose, then free promo money then real life money. The realisation came when I received a bank statement of 7 pages filled with gambling transactions. That's shocking. All the best and thanks for replying.

I have been on the forum again just a few times to read other "sufferer's" stories but this is the first time I have re-read my own post - and the kind replies. I can't believe this is what I have become. I can't come to terms with the loss of my Husband in 2016. I started gambling several months later. I have done my sums and realise I have lost nothing in monetary terms despite the gambling adding up to £4000 or more. I have however, lost everything else. Self-respect, time both that I could have spent on myself and other people. I still go on the online bingo and I used to feel pity for those people you would see are playing in the free rooms, all day, day in day out. They say they have spent loads. I'm now one of those people but I'm in a worse position because my losses are worse than financial losses. So I have not yet found it in me to stop. I have got rid of most gambling sites from my emails but have not yet fully blocked them. It's as if I can't because I panic because it will take away my "comfort blanket". My Husband would be so upset to see what I'm doing but I can't cope with his loss and the emotional pain is killing me. Sorry to have rambled on. If you read this, thank you and all the best.

Hi Sapphira,

I am really sorry to read about your loss and really sorry to read about your feelings of self-loathing and loss of self-respect. As Joydivider said, it isn't unusual that people gamble to numb pain and/or distress, as a form of self-medication. What is important is to show yourself some compassion and allow others to show you the same kindness. You do deserve it and you also need it at the moment.

If you haven't done so yet, please get in touch with the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here and maybe discuss some one-to-one counselling support.

It also sounds like you would benefit from some targeted support with your bereavement, so perhaps you also want to get in touch with Cruse Bereavement: https://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services/get-help

You are not alone, there is help out there.

All the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

All I could say is it is a blessing in disguise if you have not lost your own money. I can tell you the feelings of disgust, disappointment, and despair are too difficult to bear. Please stop now. If you end up losing your money, you will not be able to stop.

Thank you very much to the last two contributors. It's the first time I have seen your replies.

When I wrote the above posts I thought I was in a pitiful state. 10 months down the line and I have spiralled further into the abyss. I don't know who I am anymore but I'm not someone I feel ok about. I am now in complete denial over my bereavement and am either unwilling or incapable of coming to terms with it. The gambling is like an industrial strength "anti-depressant." But we all can imagine what anti-depressents do, they numb you and remove you from reality. That I feel is what is happening to me. I'm totally removed from reality and feel disconnected from those around me. I fear now for my mental health because of this addiction. I'm a rubbish, boring "story-teller" but maybe it's time to start a "diary" on here. Like everyone else, it's not a position I'd thought I'd be in, but somehow I need to claim back some sanity and dignity. The worse thing is though, I don't want to stop, I want to carry on gambling. Has anyone else ever thought that way? I wonder if that makes me beyond recovery, hope and redemption? Thank you gamcare, for your comments. I will try to make contact. Yes, maybe I will definitely start that "Diary." If anyone reads this post, thank you.

Hi Sapphira, I come to gamcare on a daily basis, to help me with my gambling addication and I read but dont post much these days, as being a problem gambler myself I leave the advice to others (mainly the professionals). Having read your thread, I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your husband, and I can fully resonate to your feelings regarding gambling. I lost my first wife in 2003, and I became depressed and sad, looking for allievation from this life, unfortunately I found gambling, and I have lost almost everything to this 'addication'. To actually stop gambling takes a lot of things, access to money, a re-alisation you have a problem with gambling, a massive willpower to stop and help from others, others being the professionals - counsellors. Reading your thread you can depression and sadness right through it ,and fully understandable too, you lost your soul mate, but the bright lights of bingo are not the answer, believe me, I sit here with 5% of my life's savings left, no partner and I feel exactly like you, 'lost with my life' but the professionals will point you in the right direction, listen to them, there is hope for everyone for a happier future, today is the first day of the rest of our lives, take something from it.

Lost my life wrote:

Hi Sapphira, I come to gamcare on a daily basis, to help me with my gambling addication and I read but dont post much these days, as being a problem gambler myself I leave the advice to others (mainly the professionals). Having read your thread, I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your husband, and I can fully resonate to your feelings regarding gambling. I lost my first wife in 2003, and I became depressed and sad, looking for allievation from this life, unfortunately I found gambling, and I have lost almost everything to this 'addication'. To actually stop gambling takes a lot of things, access to money, a re-alisation you have a problem with gambling, a massive willpower to stop and help from others, others being the professionals - counsellors. Reading your thread you can depression and sadness right through it ,and fully understandable too, you lost your soul mate, but the bright lights of bingo are not the answer, believe me, I sit here with 5% of my life's savings left, no partner and I feel exactly like you, 'lost with my life' but the professionals will point you in the right direction, listen to them, there is hope for everyone for a happier future, today is the first day of the rest of our lives, take something from it.

Dear Lost My Life

Thanks for your kindness in writing to me. I'm touched and privileged that you chose to share your experience with me. I'm sorry to read about what happened to your first wife. I never thought a distraction from my distress would escalate into what it has. I remember the TV presenter Simon Thomas saying after the loss of his wife that he feels "in the world, but not "of" the world." I thought that was apt at the time in respect of the grieving and in a way it's the same with the gambling. I hope things get better with you as well, I really do. It's not the life we envisaged is it. Sending compassionate thoughts and thanks again for your reply.