Hi All,
I've come to this site as I need to be able to talk about what I've done, but can't speak to those around me. Sorry for the long post, I hope you won't mind reading it.
To give a bit of background, I didn't grow up with much but have worked hard and generally am quite strict with myself when it comes to spending. I limit myself strictly on monthly spending and put the rest away, trying to create some security for the future. Which is what has made this all the more unbelievable.
Around 8 months ago I decided to have a cheeky sports bet, having seen friends win money. I was incredibly lucky and won 500 pounds. I then tried out a slot and won another 200! 700 in total!
I withdrew it, transferred it to my savings account and carried on.
Over the next few months I had a few goes on online slots but found that I would never be satisfied with a small win and would end up losing and then chasing the loss. There were a number of times where I'd find myself 300 pounds down (on £2 spins) and would be in crisis panicking mode, depositing and depositing. Each time I'd end up being lucky and recouping my losses. Each time I didn't I'd end up going back as I'd be upset with myself over the loss. Winning it back would make me feel better.
Last month I was playing and found myself down around 400 pounds. I then deposited more so I was having £10 spins. I struck lucky and won 1000 so was 500 up. Lucky escape I thought. Withdrew the money and logged off. Later that day I was back on and pretty much did the same. In the end I was 1000 up. I thought this is it now. This is great but I keep taking risks and it could go any other way. This was the first time I had to transfer money from my savings to chase a loss.
Not long later I was bored and thought I'd have a little go. Turned 20 into 200! Putting my profit at 1200.
After this I decided again that I was done. I was lucky to have got past my losses and have a great profit and I needed to stop as the stresses of losing and the scary irrational behaviour of chasing losses and spending money like it was nothing was stupid. I was especially freaked out that I touched my savings.
Over the next couple of weeks I didn't play but did find myself watching youtube videos of massive wins (e.g 11000 from a 50 quid spin). I thought wow this is amazing but this is unbelievable luck/people with a lot of money to risk. This was on a scale I'd never play at. 10 pound spins were crazy to me, let alone those.
Then a few weeks ago I saw an advert for an online casino with a genie slot I'd seen in a video. I hasn't planned to gamble at all and hadn't sought it out. I did click the link, however, thinking I'd play 20 quid - new players often win.
I registered, put in my 20 and won 70. This is where I should have stopped.
I proceeded to spend 900 quid in a short space of time, the stakes becoming higher as I chased my losses. The slot just wasn't paying out. Then I won 600, which would have made me only 300 down. Again I should have stopped.
Before you know it I was at zero. 900 gone. c**P. I thought 'hey, 1200 of my money is profit, I'll play the rest and see what happens'. Next thing you know I've started going for 45 quid spins! No luck then I hit some free spins, only its from a 15p spin! What are the chances. If I'd got them on a proper spin I probably would have balanced.
Increasingly long story short I got caught up in the stress of it all didn't actually realise how much I was actually spending until I was unable to deposit due to lack of funds. I had to transer almost half of my savings to get my account back in credit. I couldn't believe what I'd done and ended up chasing and chasing (shaking throughout this experience) until I'd transferred the rest of my savings and spent 4500. Yes, 4500. So my amazing 1,200 winnings along with over 3000 of my own hard earned money.
This meant I was overdrawn with no accessible savings.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I can't believe it happened. How did an unplanned 20 quid flutter result in me losing 4500?!
I am someone who respects and appreciates money. I shop in Primark and think spending 20 quid on a tshirt is too much. How did I spend 4500, mostly on 45 quid spins?! The things I could have done with that money! I save rather than treat myself and this makes me feel sick as this money could have done so much for me and my family.
I have been depressed about this for weeks. It will take me so much time to save this back and limit me in what I can do in the future. I was thinking about travelling next year, so much for that now.
I have tried thinking sense and accepting it is gone and trying to move forward and was planning to never gamble again.
I got paid 10 days after that (on the 22nd) and haven't gambled since. Until tonight.
I wasn't planning to gamble but the guilty, depressing feelings won't go away. I am so mad at myself. I thought maybe if I win a little back it will lessen the blow. I managed to turn 400 into 1200. Wow I thought, and for a moment was happy. I then ended up spending it all plus another 240 of my own money. 640 in total. I am now overdrawn again and have to get to payday (22nd) with extremely limited funds again.
I appreciate that I am lucky that I am not in debt (other than my overdraft) but can't get over what I could have done with over 5000 pounds, almost 4000 of which that I have earned and would have had without gambling.
I keep asking how did this happen.
I'm hoping tonight will show me that I won't win it back as I always allow myself a few extra spins after a win which leads to spending it all back and more.
I'm also hoping that putting this in writing will help in some way. I just don't know how to move past this as the situation has already been all I can think about since it happened and now I've made it worse! Previously winning it back would clear my mind but I'm not going to win it back (I mean technically I could, and I think if I got it all back I would stop) but I think tonight has proved that partial wins just won't stop me. I would keep chasing and spend anything I won.
So, I need to let it go and need to make sure I don't gamble again. I'm also concerned as I have a little bit more saved in an unaccessible account which I will have access to next month.
Does anyone have any advice? Thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this.
Charlie
Oh nooooooooo . The slots are highly adictive , That where my gambling problems began . I started just watching people play them in the Bingo Intrevals at my local club .
I started on the 10p ones then went onto finally 2 pound ones . Iv'e done this many a time (lost hundreds ) in the slots . The self hatred and blame games after I lost , the horrid feelings of lose and no control . I only joined yesterday as I admit now that I have a problem . That is the key 'to admit' .
My post called the 'Gambling monster within ' might help you to understand that all people who gamble will go through similar behaviours and mixed emotions as you describe . It really does help to see that your not on your own . Good luck and don't give up
Thanks Wendy,
I think that my biggest issue is that I obsess over things. I can't stop thinking about what I've done and how things won't be the same in the future as they would have been.
hi mate,firstly well done for getting on here and seeking advice....you have no debt other than your overdraft so please make sure you keep it that way by not betting. You have to forget what you have lost put it down to experiance and you can move on and time will heal that gut wrenching feeling.Obviously and unfortunately once you play to recoup losses thats exactly what this addiction wants you to do!!!.After many years this addiction has all but took my life but I am in recovery and take 1 day at a time and my life is getting back on track again and as I say you have to let go of what you have lost otherwise it will eat away at you and draw you back in inevitably just losing more on the way!!!. This illness is so cruel the more you lose the more you chase so on and so on then depression guilt kick in and a downward spiral continues...Post on here read the stories and you will kick this..good luck x
Rethinking over and over again is all part of it . I am a obsessive and compulsive cleaner , hence compuslive gambler .
I vow never again but then in a hypnotic state end up doing just that 'GAMBLING' and not stopping . I am arming myself with facts about the addiction and finding the more I learn , the more I dispise the horrible thing . It has in two days taught me to realise when I'm getting an urge . Something I've known but ignored in my purple haze . I'm reflecting on what went wrong ?, how can I stop ?, what should I avoid ? e.c.t and I'm slowly gaining answers . I'm hoping to get help from professionals as well as I feel that I need more than just self help and pycological anlysis of myself 'by myself' lol . But your here just like me and many others , that says a lot as YOU KNOW IT'S A PROBLEM but just don't or are not equiped to do it alone . Good luck xxx
Hi TimeToChange some good advise already given here on your thread and its positive you found this site and came here to speak about where you are at. You show all the classic signs of someone who could become a fully fledged compulsive gambler. An addict like myself. I truly hope you take your losses as a clear sign that NO ONE wins at gambling in the long term. No one! The money you lost is gone it does not belong to you anymore. Dont waste energy grieving for it. Let it go take it as the price you have had to pay for life lesson albeit a hard one.
"scary irrational behaviour of chasing losses " < you are correct what you wrote here. We do becoming totally irrational when gambling. And the more we gamble the more irrational we become. I really hope you keep posting here and reaching out to overome what you have been through. Which if you really want to you know you can. All the very best John
hi get a blocker for your PC / laptop (or both). you get a free 28 day trial of one at this link, which'll take you past next payday : http://www.plevna.f9.co.uk/block-gambling-with-txnogam.htm
to further protect yourself, consider keeping all of your extra funds in cash at home. or in a savings account that isn't accessible online. whatever you do don't touch the inaccessible savings that you already have. If you don't have the electronic funds available to gamble, then you won't be able to use your debit card to do so.
The reality is you were very lucky to win the amounts that you did. The companies spend a small fortune setting up the websites & the games, advertising, staff costs etc. They don't exist to give you money! They are there to take it from you ! see www.gamblingfactsandfictions.com (read before you install the blocker). The problem is that your behaviour initally rewarded you (positive reinforcement through winning), so you naturally expect the same result to reoccur. It doesn't actually work like that!
Consider the whole episode as a life lesson learned, don't go back to it for the rest of your life, continue working to earn money & your savings will be replenished soon enough; be thankful you're not in tens of thousands of debt which many gamblers end up in before they learn to stop.
Hi all,
Thanks for your comments; I've found them all helpful!
I hope you're all doing well.
I'm pleased to say that I haven't gambled, and don't plan to do so.
The problem I'm facing is that I cannot stop obsessing over what happened, what I could have done with the money if it hadn't of happened etc. etc. I am feeing so down and stressed out about it. I am constantly aware of it. Each time I have to make a choice I keep thinking about what happened and how I've changed my circumstances. I keep thinking I could have done x y z and still been financially secure should I need emergency funds. I know that in the long run if ever really need an extra £3600 (the amount I worked out that I've wasted over the past year) I could get a loan and that in the grand scheme of life I am still in a good position yet I still keep going back to the thought that it was mine and I earned it and could/should have spent it on something worthwhile. I don't let myself buy expensive trainers or get the best seats at concerts because I can't justify spending £100 in one go but I may as well have treated myself to 36 pairs or tickets! 36! In the future that could have been a son or daughter's first car! Each time I have to make a decision about the future (e.g. I have been debating about taking a new job on the same pay scale which will involve higher travel costs but hopefully give me better prospects in the future) I just think how much easier these decisions would have been if I hadn't lost the plot one evening and blown what is the equivalent of three year's of the associated travel costs in the space of a few hours!
Sorry for the ramble. I am going on. Just needed to express how I'm feeling. This is literally what is going through my head the majority of the time. Another sign of the obsessive mind that led me to take a cheeky few gambles too far in the first place.
I keep thinking how will my life be different now. Will it be better or worse than it would have been. Will I now be somewhere completely different in my life in a few months/years than I would have been? The answer is of course definitely. I guess I'm just going to have to work hard to turn this into a positive and make the right choices going forward so that I end up in a better place than I would have been.
I know that it's done and there's nothing I can do about it and am trying to think about it as a life lesson which I can use positively but the problem at the moment is I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm sure time will help it's just thinking of the time I'm wasting feeling like this/not thinking about other things makes it even worse. I really am the world's worst over-thinker.
Ah well, tomorrow's another day and I'm seeing some friends so will try my best to focus on that.
Hi Charlie. I went through a similar experience recently. I lost a great deal of money over a very short period. It's natural to feel guilt and angry at yourself. It would be more worrying if you didn't. It shows that you at least value money, which is an important attribute, especially for a gambling addict.
What's important now is how you react to this loss in the short term. What's done is done. You can't unchange that. The money that was wasted is not going to miraculously appear in your bank account. But look at it as an investment. That's how much you've invested in your future. A future that is gamble free. You've seen what gambling can do and now you won't go back.
Time is a great healer. Get through these next few weeks and you'll feel a lot better. Keep going and stay strong.
.
Time to change wrote:
Hi all,7
Thanks for your comments; I've found them all helpful!
I hope you're all doing well.
I'm pleased to say that I haven't gambled, and don't plan to do so.
The problem I'm facing is that I cannot stop obsessing over what happened, what I could have done with the money if it hadn't of happened etc. etc. I am feeing so down and stressed out about it. I am constantly aware of it. Each time I have to make a choice I keep thinking about what happened and how I've changed my circumstances. I keep thinking I could have done x y z and still been financially secure should I need emergency funds. I know that in the long run if ever really need an extra £3600 (the amount I worked out that I've wasted over the past year) I could get a loan and that in the grand scheme of life I am still in a good position yet I still keep going back to the thought that it was mine and I earned it and could/should have spent it on something worthwhile. I don't let myself buy expensive trainers or get the best seats at concerts because I can't justify spending £100 in one go but I may as well have treated myself to 36 pairs or tickets! 36! In the future that could have been a son or daughter's first car! Each time I have to make a decision about the future (e.g. I have been debating about taking a new job on the same pay scale which will involve higher travel costs but hopefully give me better prospects in the future) I just think how much easier these decisions would have been if I hadn't lost the plot one evening and blown what is the equivalent of three year's of the associated travel costs in the space of a few hours!
Sorry for the ramble. I am going on. Just needed to express how I'm feeling. This is literally what is going through my head the majority of the time. Another sign of the obsessive mind that led me to take a cheeky few gambles too far in the first place.
I keep thinking how will my life be different now. Will it be better or worse than it would have been. Will I now be somewhere completely different in my life in a few months/years than I would have been? The answer is of course definitely. I guess I'm just going to have to work hard to turn this into a positive and make the right choices going forward so that I end up in a better place than I would have been.
I know that it's done and there's nothing I can do about it and am trying to think about it as a life lesson which I can use positively but the problem at the moment is I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm sure time will help it's just thinking of the time I'm wasting feeling like this/not thinking about other things makes it even worse. I really am the world's worst over-thinker.
Ah well, tomorrow's another day and I'm seeing some friends so will try my best to focus on that.
Hi Time to change, I don't know how I managed to repost your previous post! I just want to say that around 3 years ago I took stock of the amount of money I'd spent gambling, which came to around £20,000.00, I promised myself I wouldn't gamble again but like you obsessed with the amount I'd lost, tried in vain to get some money back with the result that I'm now around £35,000.00 down, try to make peace with your losses now or you may face losing a lot more, all the best with your recovery!
Hi,
I've lost thousands over the years. Lifes too short to dwell on might have beens. I look at it as "dead money". I can't bring it back so it's in the great big dustbin of time past. When I look at some of the horrible things that happen in the world it makes me feel that past losses don't really matter that much to me.Thoughts about lost money, loves, opportunities etc fade away eventually. It's what I do from here on in that counts.
Hi,
We are all saying the same thing essentially. Not a thing you can do about past losses. I reckon I have lost over the years a 6 figure sum, frightening aint it. It will kill you if you dwell on it. However, people just saying it to you doesnt always help, is still your pain.
Essentially you have been bereaved, you have lost something close to you. Its difficult to move on. I am getting some counselling tomorrow and suggest you do the same thing. Its as if you have lost a close family member, daft to say it but its true and imagine that family member was killed in a car crash caused by your bad driving. Same thing (almost).
I got counselling by going through the links on here, see the drop downs on the main site, within days I had got an appointment, so why not go for it. I went through Krysallis and got a session in Sheffield with a Gamcare counsellor.
Good luck mate. One thing you have over most people on here is the fact you have no debts, that is a massive, massive bonus, you should be able to move forward much quicker than others as there will be no stress related to debt etc...
Hi again,
on balance, what T12f says in the previous post is quite correct the pain right at this point in time is being felt by the person.concerned. it's OK for me to say forget about past losses (and the debts I've got to go with it !). I've dealt with it the big losses and distant history cannot hurt me now (already been to my own personal hell and made the return journey).. You are right to advise counselling T12f. It does seem to be the way forward in this case (and many others on here probably).
Cheers.
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