bad situation .. again

Hi loner. 

You are not alone in this battle. First of all, you need to join gamstop asap! It wont let you go on any online gambling sites. You also need to get help from someone close to you, someone you trust with you finances and let them take hold of them, just giving you enough to live on day by day. 

This is going to be hard, but you can do it with support. 

I'm only on day 11 myself, but I feel so much better. 

Please get help asap. X

Hi Loner

as Kell says above, you should really join gamstop! I joined in March and it really does work, I had a wobble last week and I couldn't log in anywhere! 

Yes it's tough at times, it's an addiction, but I am so glad I did it!

with you current situation you need to speak to someone, maybe your landlord could make an arrangement with you, you could stick to if you join gamstop. Visit the CAB see if they can help, it's worth a go. 

I have been in your position so many times over the years, but as I say GF since March.  I now have days where I don't even think about it.  But I know that when I do gamstop is in place to protect me.

hang on in there! Things can get better. 

Lyn

hey kell, thanks for the reply.

I don't really have anyone close to me around me who could help in that respect.   I live on my own in one county and my mother lives about an hour way in another, along with my brother and father so the day to day practicalities of essentially administering, well, "me", I suppose, wouldn't really work I think.

i did tell one of the few friends i have about my problem a few years ago and basically had no real reaction, which still gets me to this day as i've known him for over 40 years.  The last time it was ever mentioned, which was probably well over a year ago, he said "So, er, how's .. um.  How's that situation going ?".   I think a lot of it with him is that he doesn't really understand addiction so it's not something that he ever concerns himself with.

There's actually a reason I can't join gamstop as well, as absurd as that sounds and, to be fair, this is likely the reason I probably ended up relapsing back in march if i'm being brutally honest with myself.

I don't really want to get in to it in any kind of detail though as it's very specific to me and if anyone came across this then I could very well be identified.

What I can say though is that it's a "lifestyle" bet I placed with a bookmaker back in March that will pay out a fairly large sum of money (large to me anyway) in March 2020 should I achieve certain targets.

Now I fought for over a year to get this bet and it's currently the one thing that's actually getting me out of the house every day and if the bookmaker became aware of me having joined gamstop, it would be cancelled and I just can't face that happening. 

I'm going to try and take some practical steps today at least by referring myself back for counselling.   I've been to see a counsellor many times before and it's not worked, but I need to try again.

I'm also going to contact Stepchange for advice as well regarding everything.   If i'm working with them, they might at least be some help in keeping the council at bay with regards to the rent.

#edit

Thanks for the reply Lyn, I was taking so long to write this post I didn't see it 🙂

My flat is a council flat so they're the ones who I have to deal with.  They've told me in the past that there are around four of five different stages of enforcement when it comes to rent arrears so it's not like I'm going to be kicked out any time soon - they have to follow procedure so i'm going to have points where I can maybe come to some kind of agreement with them.

So right there is your addiction talking! You have to face it that the money is gone, as long as you are holding on to this bet that may or may not come in, you will never stop! That sounds harsh, but sometimes that's what we have to be! 

Contact step change, allow gamstop and seek counselling asap! 

I fully understand the dilemma i'm currently in with regards to this lifestyle bet, but the money isn't gone.   The targets I have been set are very achievable with some focus and dedication and, as i've said, it's the only thing that's actually getting me out of the house and actually interested in life in general because I honestly feel i'd just curl up into a ball in a corner if i didn't have this.

Yes, it's the worst possible thing to be focused on as it stands and I truly, truly get that, but it's something rather than nothing.   

I've always had a pretty chronic lack of self esteem, alongside the depression and anxiety, so, for me, changing my lifestyle for my health or the health benefits these changes would bring wasn't really an issue - it didn't bother me.  

The friend I mentioned above asked me a few years back what i'd do if i ever had a health scare, or even a heart attack, and whether or not it would make me change my habits or try to improve my health and i said "probably not" and that was the absolute truth.

So that's why I have to hang on to this bet.   As well as that, it's something that my family actually do know about so they're all behind me and want me to succeed which also helps with my motivation.

thanks for the reply.  once again i was taking so long with the other one 🙂

I don't go to meetings and probably won't because it's not something I could face.   But what you say does ring true with me quite a lot.   It's stuff i've talked over with various counsellors in the past.   I did have one counsellor who i really did make some progress with and one of my biggest mistakes was ending the sessions with her.

She really did have me figured out and kept challenging me every time i saw her to do things and think about things and I do wish that i'd carried on with her as things might have gone down a different path.

I do know she works at the service i've referred myself to so I'm going to try and get to see her again hopefully.

ok, your post is tough to read, this will be hard ok.

i get the thing with the bet, can you not ask the online bookie if you exclude will the bet still stand and if it comes in you can still claim the bet? im sure thats ok to do in the rules? worth asking.

why dont you in the meantime exclude for 6 months? the account is only frozen and you could then log in to get any winnings then exclude for maximum 5 years?

you must stop gambling, its the only way to beat this, i kinda think i know the bet you have had .however you must not keep this as an excuse, the money is gone and its good you know you have to find a way to sort a payment plan out.

tough times but the absolute key to this and getting a better life is to neve be able to gamble again.

the choice is yours

@holycrosser If the bookmakers get wind of any kind of self exclusion, the bet is gone.  I suppose in some respects that's a good thing if they're being that hot on any kind of problematic gambling, although I appreciate that not all bookmakers and websites are the same.

I just can't have that though.   I fought for a year to get that approved and I'm not giving it up that easily.   Even now, some twelve hours on, I'm looking to it as extra motivation to keep getting out and keep doing what I need to do to complete it.   It's better to do that than to be sitting indoors on my own reminding myself of what i've done and how my life is.

I've got an appoinment for a telephone assessment for counselling in about a week and a half and I had a near two hour phonecall with stepchange earlier on as well, so that's something.

I desperately want this to stop because I've honestly had enough.

I just need to hope that I can sell something in the next few days for food otherwise it's going to be a long month.

Ok but I think you are doing the wrong thing.good luck anyway 

"It's better to do that than to be sitting indoors on my own reminding myself of what i've done and how my life is."

I hear your dilemma but you don't have to stay in not reaching your goals, reminding yourself of what you've done. Reach your health and lifestyle goals for you. Not for a bet. Cut your losses. Surely you want the lifestyle change for you and not just a bet? 

What about changing bank to Monzo? Don't need good credit rating or anything to have an account with them. They can ban gambling transactions so even if you do keep your account open for the lifestyle bet then you can't load any money on with your bank card? Cut up the rest. No credit cards. It's great bank account for budgeting too. 

Good luck regardless, I hope you can start to beat this addiction and reach your lifestyle goals- remember you can do this! 

@foxcub I'd love to switch banks, but I can't because I don't own a passport or have a driving licence.  My credit rating is terrible as it is, but without those two forms of ID I can't do anything about it and I don't think any of these new startup banks have implemented any other form of ID checking yet.

I can prove my identity about a dozen different ways but none of which would be acceptable.

I can certainly understand the approach of doing things "for you" and "for your health" but this never worked or never meant anything to me in the past and probably doesn't now because I don't really like myself all that much.  Couple that with the chronic lack of self esteem that i've mentioned and you can probably see why I needed some form of motivation that wasn't exactly conventional.

I suppose, if you look at it objectively, that's probably a large part of the reason why i've never been able to fully stop gambling, because I can't do it "for me" because of how I feel about "me".

I suppose the one thing that makes it somewhat different is that my family are fully aware of this bet, so if i did win the money next year and then gambled it all away then i've got no real way of explaining that away  so in that respect it's "safe" because explaining it away would force me to tell my family about this addiction and I just can't do that.

And don't get me wrong, again, I fully appreciate that this is a ridiculous situation to be in.   I know i'm basically trying to stop gambling while still gambling and it's absurd and I know it's absurd but I can't do it any other way.

@aln Thanks for the reply.   I do appreciate what you've said and I have no issue with harsh words when they're true - the harsher the better I suppose because I do need it.

I've had CBT multiple times in the past and it's never worked.  

I think that, maybe, part of the problem with the CBT, the counselling and the various psychiatrists i've seen over the years is that i've lived on my own for well over 30 years and live a very insular life.   I'm not really socialised in the "normal" way that I think you'd expect.   Human interaction bothers me a great deal so I go out of my way to avoid it wherever possible.   That's a large part of the reason I wouldn't go to a GA meeting.

Consequently I've become very detached from my emotions so the lies, the theft and everything else doesn't really register or mean anything.   Everything becomes very black and white for me.    Everything becomes a problem to solve rather than anything that causes any introspection and makes me look at the bigger picture.

The one constant, and this is the absolute honest truth, is that I don't want to gamble because I hate the life it's given me.  I don't want to be constantly thinking how i'm going to find money to eat or whether or not i can survive the day on a packet of biscuits.  

I'm committed to going back to counselling whatever happens though and, hopefully, if i can see the woman I was seeing before then I'm hopeful that we can actually make some progress.

Thankyou 🙂

Well I thought i'd come back and update the last few days.

I had the last thing of any value that I own on eBay which sold for just enough to see me through until the end of June - it was about £10 short overall.

What happened next was quite surreal in a way.   I had gone to bed early, as i've been doing a lot these days since it makes the days go quicker if you sleep most of it, but I got an alert on my phone that someone had bought this thing from eBay on the buy it now option.

So I got up, went straight into the other room, turned the computer on and probably about 15-20 minutes later, it was all gone as well - all in search of that extra tenner I needed.

Just turned the computer off and went back to bed after that.   Didn't feel a thing - no remorse, no regret, no anger of any kind and just no real emotion in general.

But then the next day when I woke up, I had to start making preparations to shut down this gadget i'd sold (a nas drive, for the record).   I've had one for almost 10 years and it's an integral part of my media setup and makes it very easy for me to watch films e.t.c..

And when I was shutting it down and starting to package it up, I think that's when it finally hit me because I started to get quite upset.   I had to do it because it had been sold so it's no longer mine but this is/was the first time i've ever felt anything like that when i've sold something.   I've always managed to compartmentalise this and almost immediately detach myself emotionally from something if i've sold it but this was very different.

I went out for a walk later that morning and just tossed everything around in my head and came back and wrote a very lengthy message to my DWP work coach confessing everything as I was due a call from her today, which she did.

We had a long chat and she was very kind and understanding, even when I started to get in a bit of a state, and she agreed to put in a request for a crisis loan for me for enough to pay some of the bills and for a small amount for food each day until the end of next month.  

She's also arranged for my Universal Credit to be paid fortnightly going forward and she's looking in to getting my rent paid directly to the council as well.

And talking of the council, I also rang them and confessed everything.  I didn't pull any punches and owned up to it all, which was also just as hard, but i think it was ultimately rewarding because we've now got an agreement in place that should, hopefully, prevent any legal action or eviction action from them as long as I keep up my end of the deal and make sure the rent is paid in full with a small amount extra on top.

I still have to deal with my four doorstep loans and tell them that i'm going to have to basically pay them £1 a week going forward, which they're not going to be happy about, but at the moment I don't care - the rent now has to come first above everything.

I've been through this enough times to not try and kid myself that this is different or that i'll beat this this time of asking, but there are certainly aspects of the last few days that I genuinely haven't been through before and that I do feel have been strangely rewarding.   Telling the DWP and the Council was such a relief and such a weight off my shoulders, i do think it's given me a little bit of impetus going forward into counselling so I'm certainly hoping for something to come out of it.