bad situation .. again

Thankyou 🙂

Hi

In the recovery program we are supposed to give up unhealthy habits, one being hard on our self.

We have already caused our self pains why cause more pains on our self .

The healthy people in the recovery program will be nurturing and encouraging towards you moving away from addictions and obsessions.

What did I learn from my last bet.

What was my last emotional trigger.

By me being in the recovery program I learned that no one could stop me from escaping to my addictions and obsessions, that had to be my own choice.

As I got more honest and mature along with being more accountable I would give up blaming other people or gambling for how I felt.

The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.

The gambling establishments never made me steal lie or betray people that was my decision.

The recovery program would help me set up boundaries, the first one which I thought was impossible Just for today I will not gamble.

Once just for today I will not gamble was easier it was just for today I will not smoke, it was just for today I will not swear, it was just for today I will not be angry, it was just for today I will not risk take in any way, no speeding, no more focusing on other, just stay focused on myself.

What can I do or say to improve the relationship I have with myself.

What can I do or say to improve the relationship I have with other people.

What unhealthy habit can I change in to a healthy habit.

How much more can I value myself today.

How much more can I respect myself today.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA

Dave of Beckenham

Well I thought i'd come back and update the last few days.

I had the last thing of any value that I own on eBay which sold for just enough to see me through until the end of June - it was about £10 short overall.

What happened next was quite surreal in a way.   I had gone to bed early, as i've been doing a lot these days since it makes the days go quicker if you sleep most of it, but I got an alert on my phone that someone had bought this thing from eBay on the buy it now option.

So I got up, went straight into the other room, turned the computer on and probably about 15-20 minutes later, it was all gone as well - all in search of that extra tenner I needed.

Just turned the computer off and went back to bed after that.   Didn't feel a thing - no remorse, no regret, no anger of any kind and just no real emotion in general.

But then the next day when I woke up, I had to start making preparations to shut down this gadget i'd sold (a nas drive, for the record).   I've had one for almost 10 years and it's an integral part of my media setup and makes it very easy for me to watch films e.t.c..

And when I was shutting it down and starting to package it up, I think that's when it finally hit me because I started to get quite upset.   I had to do it because it had been sold so it's no longer mine but this is/was the first time i've ever felt anything like that when i've sold something.   I've always managed to compartmentalise this and almost immediately detach myself emotionally from something if i've sold it but this was very different.

I went out for a walk later that morning and just tossed everything around in my head and came back and wrote a very lengthy message to my DWP work coach confessing everything as I was due a call from her today, which she did.

We had a long chat and she was very kind and understanding, even when I started to get in a bit of a state, and she agreed to put in a request for a crisis loan for me for enough to pay some of the bills and for a small amount for food each day until the end of next month.  

She's also arranged for my Universal Credit to be paid fortnightly going forward and she's looking in to getting my rent paid directly to the council as well.

And talking of the council, I also rang them and confessed everything.  I didn't pull any punches and owned up to it all, which was also just as hard, but i think it was ultimately rewarding because we've now got an agreement in place that should, hopefully, prevent any legal action or eviction action from them as long as I keep up my end of the deal and make sure the rent is paid in full with a small amount extra on top.

I still have to deal with my four doorstep loans and tell them that i'm going to have to basically pay them £1 a week going forward, which they're not going to be happy about, but at the moment I don't care - the rent now has to come first above everything.

I've been through this enough times to not try and kid myself that this is different or that i'll beat this this time of asking, but there are certainly aspects of the last few days that I genuinely haven't been through before and that I do feel have been strangely rewarding.   Telling the DWP and the Council was such a relief and such a weight off my shoulders, i do think it's given me a little bit of impetus going forward into counselling so I'm certainly hoping for something to come out of it.

Thankyou 🙂

I'm not one for "signs" you know, but I might just have had one, even though it sounds ridiculous.

I've been budgeting - again - which is all i ever seem to do, and while I wait for this payment from the DWP tomorrow, I was looking at being £2.10 short of what i needed ideally.

Just £2.10.   So, almost inevitably, the 'twitch' started    "Only £2.10.  £3 if you round it up.  One spin .. just one.   One and i'll withdraw".  And so on and so on.

This had been going on the the last couple of hours and, sadly, I succumbed.   Made the deposit to the website, but when i refreshed the page, the balance was the deposit plus an additional £20 quid.

It took me by surprise because I assumed it was some kind of free or bonus bet - considering the amount of money i've dropped on that site over the past few months, I wouldn't be surprised if it was something like that to keep me interested.

Thought i'd check to see if it was a free bet by trying to withdraw it and it let me do it.  So i'd made £20 quid by doing absolutely nothing.

Now don't get me wrong, I know this is absolutely not something to be "proud" of.   At all. I succumbed to the temptation again, which is not the way forward, but I can't help but to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it.   I do have a weird, black sense of humour like that I suppose.

I've just been to write "day one" on my calendar (again) but this time it really is going to mean something.   

Withdraw your money.

Stop gambling.

Stop making excuses.

Almost everything you’ve said reminds me of my mindset. I’m only 150 days GF but don’t recognise those feelings anymore. Like you, I have a somewhat black sense of humour and also felt a calm when the game was up. I look back and laugh at myself. You should do the same, but you need someone to be brutally honest with you.... you haven’t given up gambling yet.

You must. You know you must. I haven’t a clue how you’d do it without blocks in place because I couldn’t. I wish you all the best but you really need to want to stop and because of the nature of this illness, blocks are absolutely integral to success.

I understand what you're both saying, I really do.   It's unfortunate that I fell at the first hurdle, so to speak, but this isn't something I can just switch off overnight.   I am committed to stopping this and I will.

Good. I’ll be watching progress and giving you kick up a**e if needed.

it is exactly what I needed years ago and I wish someone had told me straight. 

Just checking in on you pal. How are you getting on? 

I agree blocks are paramount. I thought for a while I could do it off of sheer will power, how wrong I was. This wasn’t like going on a diet, or keeping up sessions at the gym, this is addiction! 

However badly I wanted to stop the addiction was like the devil on my shoulder telling me ‘go on one more time to win it all back’ I cannot stop without initially not being able to physically gamble. 

If I have a crazed day where I try to log into sites, or open new sites I know it will not be possible anymore. This is what keeps me safe whilst I work towards understanding why I have this horrible addiction. 

I truly believe now recovery has many levels and many steps that need to be taken, I didn’t realise this before.

I do wish you the best of luck stopping but I am genuinely worried about you, as your mindset (although wanting to give up) still has a real element of denial to it. Which reminds me of myself back when I knew deep down I wasn’t ready to give up.

keep coming here for support