Hi.
I am new to the forum and just wanted to share my experience.
I am 25 years old with a beautiful partner and little boy. I have been a gambler of sorts ever since my school days where every last penny I had went on arcade slot machines. As I got older I grew out of arcades and online poker became my main source of habitual gambling. This quickly spiralled out of control, and by the time I was 19 I had debts in excess of 2k. I was bailed out of these debts at the time by my grandma, a wonderful and kind person who would do anything for me out of love.
At the age of 20, I then met my current partner and began our relationship. This meant never being at the family home as I was always with my partner, and with that ended the poker phase. For the following 18 months there was the bookies, but it only ever felt like here and there, and not a major issue. My little boy was born and life passed by in my mind in a normal way........
Here starts the main phase of life where gambling really became an issue for me. I started a new job and my boss and I did not get on. My life was made a misery and I was scared of losing my job and not being able to support my family. I turned to gambling as an escape, and after a 758 pound win on the roulette machine I was hooked. Every spare part of every day was spent gambling, and in my job I work in retail security and am not answerable to anybody I work directly with, enabling me to leave site and gamble at any time I get the urge. Debts began piling up again. Payday loans, credit card, and I default on them all. My partner and I go for a mortgage and can't get one due to my my damaged credit. My grandma again gets me out of debt but the problem has not gone. I promise her and myself I won't do this again and I mean every word of it at the time. Then 3 or 4 days on I am gambling again.
The above is now my life. I gamble and if I lose my long suffering grandma, who I adore and have always had a special bond with, foots the bill. It causes her so much upset and worry. The guilt of doing this to her is unbearable but still doesn't stop me. I did it again this week and knew if I didn't borrow yesterday my partner would find out. Something inside me decided enough was enough. I went home sick from work and told her what I had done.
We haven't had chance to discuss this in any great detail yet, and the enormity of what I have done has not sunk in for her yet. She will be devastated, ashamed of me and I am scared she will consider me as too much of a risk to our child's future and leave me. Losing her and my little boy is not something I can even comprehend. They are my only reason for wanting to get up in the morning, but at the same time I can't help thinking they deserve a normal life without all this.
I am sorry for the long winded life story but I thought I would feel better for coming clean, yet now I am more scared than ever. My partner will be speaking to my grandma today and I know she will not give me any money again.
This may sound ludicrous but I have never been so certain that this will be the catalyst to giving up gambling. If my partner finds it in her heart to forgive me the fear of losing my family, and having no escape route via my grandma will suffice in conjunction with my own need to quit.
I guess my main reason for posting is for advice. This is going to be incredibly upsetting for both my grandma and partner, and if anyone has been here before is there anything I can do to make it less painful for them.
Thankyou
Mike
This is my first time giving advice as I haven't felt worthy of doing so myself after while I'm still in recovery but your story reminded me of my own a little bit so here it goes.
When I first got into trouble with gambling, my grandma was the person I turned to for help, and she did so willingly, though unfortunately she died before I could pay her back or anything. Problem is that even though she helped me out, I continued on after her death.
And similarly with my ex-girlfriend, she helped me out with money, which unknowing fuelled my habit a little while longer. I came clean, but in the end, I believe it is one of the reasons that things got worse for our relationship.
Anyway, you have to come completely clean with the ones you love, the ones that are supporting you. True, it may turn out bad, but you don't want it to get any worse. Just tell the truth and apologize of course and hopefully things work out.
I say this though. You've got to want to change for the better and let your partner and your grandma know that you want to change and you'd like them to give you a chance and support you. Do not go through all of the changing motions if you are not willing to change, I've done it a few times now, and it is so hard to do as you feel so low.
It seems like you have great people in your life, just you've fell for a vice. You've still got the opportunity to change this, so go for it and good luck.
I wish I could fix all my mistakes but its not possible for me so I'm trying to help the people in my future.
Hope this advice has helped in some way.
Jace
Hi - not sure if this is what you want to hear but it is disgusting how you are taking advantage of your dear Grandma's love for you. I just hope the situation never arises where she really needs the money you have stolen from her heart.
Of course I wish you well as you try to give up gambling - I will tell you now the roulette machines will take everything you have, or more to the point your Grandma has.
Get some self respect, work for your money rather than taking the easy option, concentrate on providing for your family and take responsibility for your irresponsible actions.
Its not easy giving up but life is rarely easy.
All the best for whatever you decide but please stop taking your Grandma's money. She has probably saved all her life and you and just ********* it away.
A very angry Dave.
Hi jace/Dave, thanks for the replies. Jace you are certainly worthy of giving advice, as someone who has struggled with gambling is always better to relate to others. I hope when I am a bit further into recovery to be able to help others myself. Dave I do not blame you one bit for finding my behaviour deplorable, and I could not agree more. The best feeling of taking the steps towards recovery is knowing my relationship with my grandma will be based purely on spending time together with no financial obstructions. The one thing I have always done is worked to support my family, and have worked full time for the past 9 years. Working 54 hour weeks without losing any money gambling however, will ensure all spare money I have each month goes to my grandma and not the local bookmaker.
Thankyou for taking the time to read and reply, and I wish you both the best in your own lives. I am completing a recovery log daily as I find it a great help in finding a sense of achievement for each day I do not succumb to the addiction.
Hi jace/Dave, thanks for the replies. Jace you are certainly worthy of giving advice, as someone who has struggled with gambling is always better to relate to others. I hope when I am a bit further into recovery to be able to help others myself. Dave I do not blame you one bit for finding my behaviour deplorable, and I could not agree more. The best feeling of taking the steps towards recovery is knowing my relationship with my grandma will be based purely on spending time together with no financial obstructions. The one thing I have always done is worked to support my family, and have worked full time for the past 9 years. Working 54 hour weeks without losing any money gambling however, will ensure all spare money I have each month goes to my grandma and not the local bookmaker.
Thankyou for taking the time to read and reply, and I wish you both the best in your own lives. I am completing a recovery log daily as I find it a great help in finding a sense of achievement for each day I do not succumb to the addiction.
Hello Mike,
Well done for accepting that you have a problem. Gambling is an illness and can easily take your pride and dignity. Forging a more responsible relationship with money will hopefully restore your dignity and given time (and refraining from gambling) you will eventually start liking yourself and earning the trust of those around you.
As the chinese proverb says "a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step".
Good luck my friend.
YFIR
Micky
Dave, I am in the same boat as you exactly. Gambling consumes my every thought. In 2011 I got made redundant and got a big payout of over 15k .... thats when it started Id been in that job for 13 years and I was at home pregnant and bored saw an advert on the telly and I started playing a bit of bingo which then went onto slots, roulette ect. I then inherited £20k from my lovely nan and I blew that as well. I now have nothing but guilt, debt and misery, I am on the verge of being evicted and I am up to my eyeballs in debt, I never thought this is what I would become. I have 2 lovely daughters who are only 2 and 5 and my parents have bailed me out on so many occasions Ive lost count. I hate myself every single day for what I do but I dont seem to be able to stop. I feel so much guilt to my parents I find it hard to even see them anymore. You have done the right thing telling your partner. Mine has moved out due to my gambling because I told him 18 months ago and have still continued to let him down. Now you have done it my advice to you is do everything you possibly can to stop gambling before you end up like me.
Good luck hunx
Aimee,
You have at least accepted that you have a problem. I hope forums like this help you, I have found comfort in the fact that I am not alone with my problem and take strength from the support of the people that post on this site. I too have urges, but I constantly tell myself how disappointed I will be if I return to the betting shop. I guess I am fortunate that I have never gambled online with it's constant availabilty. It sounds like you have so much to look forward to if you can just make that change. You may well have lost in the past, but try not to reflect on that and look to the future. I now don't think of it as "giving up" as that suggests that it's something that I have enjoyed when really there was little enjoyment and very much anguish, despair and deceit.
I hope that you can find strength.
Your friend
Micky x
I'm in hell today don't know how to start a thread I need help so much
Scroll down to the bottom of the previous page that lists the threads - and click on "New Topic".
Can't find anywhere still how to start a thread I can't see new topic anywhere?
aimee08 wrote:
Can't find anywhere still how to start a thread I can't see new topic anywhere?
You have to scroll to the bottom of the page your on say recovery diaries and in the left corner at the bottom of the page it says start topic
Hi aimee,
Have you managed to find a way to post a new thread? If you haven't or would like to speak to someone about your problem, please do give us a call on the Helpline 0808 80 20 133 or contact the Netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline
The serives are open from 8am to midnight every day. An advisor can also help and talk you through posting on the Forum.
Kind wishes
Gabriele
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