My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
I am so grateful for my recovery today, I am a non religious person and embrace healthy spiritual values and living healthy interactions today.
During my 48 years of being in the recovery program heard from very confusing messages in the recovery program.
It is implied that pride is an unhealthy thing, I would say that pride and false ego are not the same thing, is false ego based up on walls of fear of our inner child, that fear itself restricts us all from having healthy interactions with other people.
Today I understand that my pride is a consequence of my healthy words and my healthy actions, that my pride replaces feelings of shame regret remorse pains and anxieties of my past.
Today I understand that the pains of my past caused my hurt traumatized inner child to hide in fears that he did not understand, that a person can heal their pains face their fears and become whole once more.
The 12 steps I feel need to be updated, in my recovery I needed to become selfish and move away from self destruction.
The wording to become normal is not setting the bar very high, today I want to become healthy and healthier it is done day by day taking baby steps.
Money was the fuel for my addiction, money was never going to heal my hurt inner child, money was never going to replace affection and love, money was never going to make me feel happy content or feel successful in myself.
Money was going to give me more choices, but money was not going to give me emotional resolve.
Money was the fuel for my addiction.
On the 13th of March I celebrated my 72nd birthday and for the day I had a meal with Shirley my wife and Mark my son, after the meal which was not that good I took Shirley my wife home, and my son and I went and played on a snooker table up till the late evening.
There were people that wanted to join us yet I declined because my time with my son was very precious, and win or lose at the game was not important, healthy time with my son was.
The next day I apologized to a person and said that my time with my son was very important, he totally agreed and understood, he did not have that choice today.
Who is to say what is healthy or unhealthy, the word dysfunctional conjures up opinions and views that differ in many ways, I found that dysfunctional families live in the pains of their past, there are unable to or not willing to heal their inner child.
That dysfunctional families use guilt and shame to manipulate control other people, that dysfunctional families lack healthy communication and healthy interactions.
That dysfunctional families are not loving caring nurturing and encouraging people, dysfunctional families are not able to move on from the past.
Did gambling control my life.
For me my gambling was just a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable, that when I was nto able to cope emotionally I would escape in different ways, I would escape people lief and situation I could not cope with.
When was my hurt inner child going to heal and mature, at what point would I be in recovery because I wanted it, not reluctant, no resentments, I was in the spiritual room because I wanted to become healthy.
Was another person going to do the work for me, was another person going to do my recovery work for me, at what point was I going to recognize that I was a victim, at what point was I going to recognize that I was a perpetrator, at what point was I going to recognize that I was a very unhealthy person, at what point was I going to recognize that I needed help.
At w hat point was I going to learn to help myself, no one could stop me gambling that was my daily choice, I would recognize that only just for today, yes only one day at a time, just for today only, all I have to do is not gamble, just for today only, I can do any thing else but not gamble.
The spiritual was not going to control me, it was not going to make me feel weak it was going to encourage me to move from unhealthy habits one at a time.
I abstain from gambling just for today, I abstain from getting drunk just for today, I abstain from smoking just for today, I abstain from swearing just for today, I abstain from being angry just for today, I abstain from living in fear just for today, I abstain from being impatient and intolerant just for today, I abstain from being critical of other people just for today, I accept my serenity just for today.
After over 48 years in recovery do I know all the answers, not at all, do I know how to share with others, do I know how to work as a team, do I know how to humble my self to complete honesty today.
What is my biggest fear today, am I willing to face my biggest fear today, am I able to accept the very worst that can happen today.
Am I self sufficient today, do my goals increase as a I grow, am I content with who I am today, am I content with who I am with today, am I content with what I have today, am I fully committed to myself and content with writing down my needs my wants and my goals today.
Do I trust my own instincts today, do I trust my spiritual values today, do I justify any thing that is unhealthy today.
The very important things in my life today is my relationships and my time today, its I not possible to take material things with you when you die, material things and money are only on loan to us while we live.
IS BEING ANGRY HEALTHY
Is MY anger due to my pains not being HEALED?
Is MY anger due to my fears not being FACED?
Is MY anger due to my FRUSTRATIONS?
How can I heal my inner child?
How can I face and reduce my fears today?
Can I reduce my expectations of life people and situations?
Can I give unconditionally without any expectations?
What are my motives today for doing anything?
How do I over come my fears of aggression and confrontation?
Why do I fear being honest today?
Do I internalize or feel responsible for how other people feel today?
Is trying to control life people and situations fear based
Am I in any way a suppressive aggressive or expressive aggressive.
I use to think and feel that gambling controlled my life, that was not true, because I lived in so much fear I use to escape people life and situation I could not cope with emotionally.
There were people that told me that my pride got in the way of my recovery, honestly I did not know what pride felt like, I know that before my recovery I felt and thought that I was hopeless worthless useless and that I could be just evil or just no good.
If I knew and understood why I gambled just maybe I could do something about it, saying that made no sense, over time knowing that I escaped to gambling in my fears helped me learn my emotional triggers.
It was very impo rtant for me to abstain from gambling first of all, then once I found more time on my hands to do more healthy things with my time.
I reacted to the mention of religion, as a child many people who were to set an example were very unhealthy hypocrites, that they said and did were not the same, some very unhealthy religion people caused me a lot of pain in my child hood.
Only once I gave up the unhealthy habit of gambling could I start to heal my pains.
Only once I gave up the unhealthy habit of gambling then I gave up smoking which another form of self abuse, unhealthy smoking caused me health issues, unhealthy smoking was a very expensive habit.
I gave up getting drunk, I gave up drinking tea and coffee which I do not miss what so ever.
I am reducing my pop drink intake.
I am a nonreligious person, yet I very much embrace spiritual values in my life.
There have been some very unhealthy people in the recovery program who try to manipulate people in to doing things that they are not ready for, a healthy sponsor should help people work at their own rate of recovery.
In time I learned to be nurturing and encouraging towards all people.
I have been to many meetings in my time, everyone at different levels of their recovery, yet with each person choosing their own rate of recovery is important.
I use to suffer from feelings of depression, misery guilt and shame, I even felt guilty when people were kind to me.
Today more focus on things I do in the instant, by staying focus on one thing I am able to do more with my time, and in a much proficient way.
For sure I was the rat in the wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere.
Even to this day I attend two meetings per week.
Do I want people to fear me, do I want to be right all of the time and to be a lone and on my own.
Do I try and control other people, is not control fear based issues.
My ability to absorb information and to learn new things was adversely affected due to the abuse I suffered as a child.
I found out that if I could not understand things I was stunted from learning new things.
Once I abstained from gambling then I would escape in other ways, computer games, television, the obsessions were just another way of not dealing with my feelings.
When we understand that a new item of challenge has suddenly became an obsession, when I unable to stop and have food or rest breaks.
I am a non religious person, so I am proof that a non religious person can heal from the past if they dedicate time and effort in to working their recovery.
I use to think that gambling controlled my life, for me that is not so today, I use to gamble when I felt I could not cope with life people and situations.
My frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
I use to react in such unhealthy ways, I use to react in anger most of the time, I use to react in resentments most of the time, I use to react in jealousy most of the time, I use to react in impatience an intolerance most of the time, I use to react in critism most of the time.
Working my recovery I am more at peace with myself.
Working my recovery I value myself more today.
No one could stop me from gambling, that had to be my choi ce.
Even today I am learning to be a much more healthier spiritual person, yet what do we class as spiritual, my conscience is spiritual based.
I felt that gambling controlled my life.
Today I understand that the reason I gambled was because I was emotionally vulnerable, I could not cope with people life and sitations.
The wording control was a delusion to me, was it the fact that I did not have control in my life, or was it the fact that fear caused me to deviate escape and avoid taking responsibility for my actions.
Just for today, simply words they are my commitment to myself.
Just for today I will not gamble changed to Just for today I will be more productive, Just for today I will have lists of my needs wants and my goals.
In my recovery change from unhealthy reactions to find my healthy interaction with like minded people.
I use to fear living and I used to fear dying.
Only once I faced my fears could I do some thing about them.
I faced my fears one at a time, I gave each fear a number out of ten, ten being the highest level of fear.
Over four decades my fears have been drastically reduced to an all time low, am able to be myself today.
I do not need to person please, I do not need to live in any kind of fear today.
Thank you every one, love and peace to all.
Dave of Beckenham
AKA Dave L
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