So as a supplement to my recovery diary that I started months ago I wanted to put a special post up here tonight regarding forgiveness. One of the things that has really emerged for me through my period of recovery this time is I'm able to sense/feel the impact of my gambling addiction on my family and friends much more acutely.
In previous short (and I have to say rocky) periods between gambling incidents I've never really given much focus to the lies, the deceit, the pain my gambling has caused.
I guess it is the nature of where I was in my recovery that a much greater focus for me was my loss, my feelings, the money that had gone etc. It was all to easy for me to pick up the lies and deceit when I relapsed because it was meaningless, collateral damage in the web of trying to keep everything together.
I've had very supportive friends and family and I've confessed, been caught out and said Sorry many times. But I think a lot of the time I was sorry for myself, sorry I'd lost, sorry I'd done it again. Yes I had guilt but it was fleeting.
Over these last few weeks as I've made good progress I've developed a much broader view of the impact of my addiction, the disappointment my lies caused and the fact that through gambling I became a lying deceitful, manipulative individual. As much as I don't want to return to gambling activity I also don't want to become this person again. It feels like a double resolve because honesty and integrity are perversely so important to me in most areas of my life.
Retelling a catalogue of lies to people is not helpful. Even though my friends are supportive I understand they don't find endless conversations about my gambling comfortable. I guess they want our friendships to move on as I recover and I truly respect that. So how do I deal with this sense of guilt I have from this awareness that has grown?.
There are two responses for me. One very practical and one compassionate. From a practical point of view, the future is much more important than the past. I cannot change the fact I lied to people and to be honest my friends know I did. But I can resolve to not lie again, it's a solid plank of recovery for me.
From a compassionate point of view, I cannot affect people's forgiveness of me. Indeed I fully understand why people walk away from those in a compulsive grip, those not yet able and willing to see the hurt their actions cause and to resolve to change. However I can forgive myself. In the grip of this illness we change and do things unimaginable to our ordinary selves. That's not an excuse but it is an explanation. Slowly but surely recovery is allowing me to acknowledge that whilst I did bad things I am not a bad person.
I hope by sharing this it resonates with some people and that people as they go on their journeys will get to a point of forgiveness. To me it is an essential part of moving on.
An excellent, well-written and thought-provoking post Thailad, thank you for sharing it.
After five gamble-free years, after gambling for twenty, I feel emotionally distant from the person I was before, almost like those acts were committed by another person - I can very much relate to your comments here.
I can also relate to your comment in respect of speaking to your friends. I wanted to relay the highs and lows of my recovery to them but they just can't relate to what you are experiencing; they want to, they wish they could but they can't, so they indeed "switch off" after a while. This is why this Forum and GA are so good for speaking to others that understand and appreciate what you have been through. All of us want to share and relate to those we care about most but it is best to involve them as little as possible; they don't need words, they need visible proof.
You have to draw a line under your past when you stop; there are so many who are consumed by their past actions - no judgement on them by regret is a pointless exercise, and a complete waste of emotional energy.
I can't change the way I treated people, but it wasn't enough to just get back to where I was before I started gambling - I wanted to turn this negative into a positive; I wanted to do things and experience things that I would never have done before; I devote many hours a week to charity work - something I would never have done before. I have thrown myself into new hobbies like writing, singing, hiking and much more - I was much more of a "say-er" than a "do-er" previously, but now I don't care; I want what I did to mean something, I want it to have purpose so now I do more, I am more, and I do much more for others.
You are not a bad person my friend - everyone has some kind of regret that they have to deal with themselves; no-one is perfect and everyone has their own guilt - some may have more than you, some may have less, but it can be a positive thing if it drives you to be a better person than you ever were before as I said.
It will get easier for you in time my friend, and it will get easier for those you are closest to. You didn't change and neither did I, but after a while, it is all people see and know. But the rewards are immense; someone asked me what the best thing about giving up long term and, no question, it is seeing trust and hope return to the eyes of those you love.
JamesP
James, thanks so much for replying and sharing. As I said to someone at gamcare yesterday I am actually quite glad of these strong feelings of regret, they mean a lot is crystallizing for me where it didn't before. Thanks again for this and all you do on here.
Hi Thailand
What two lovely post from you and James
It has made me feel stronger and more determined
I was actually glad more relieved I think when I last gambled 30 days ago
I took A 300 pY day loan out knowing this was going to be the last time of course I lost it all. But I knew I would I won 100 on that last day and of course I put it straight back on trying to win my 300 back
I was strangely relieved I could not play anymore that was it for me
Take one day at a time use the triangle
Time
Location
Money
And not least use this forum write in your diary every day and come on here when you get urges to gamble
It really does help the new road is not easy but make it your choice to win every day by not gambling
And take one day at a time one hour at a time ifit gets tough but stay winning by not playing
Welcome to the new life of abstaining from gambling today
One day at a time
Suzanne xx
Suzanne, thanks for your post. I think you are right that you have to take things day by day...my mantra is to be gamble free and well today, the rest will come from that
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