I told my husband! Best decision I've ever made!

Hello,

I'm from the other side of the fence, my husband is a CG presently in recovery but he managed to hide his gambling for many years. This involved a lot of addict type behaviour and ensuing damage.

I'm glad to hear that you braved telling your husband, it's a vital step and it's so much better for you to tell him than to let him find out the hard way. But telling him is not enough on it's own and what worries me about your post is your motives. Do you have the vital ingredient in all this, which is the commitment to genuine recovery? Because if not, then what is going to change? He'll bail you out "this time", you'll use your will power not to gamble again but you won't be able to keep it up (you haven't previously) without solid barriers and sooner or later the pattern will repeat but you'll both be much poorer each time.

There are a whole set of measures, actions that you can take, now, if you are committed to recovery. Hand over full financial control to him and let him drip feed you pocket money, so that you have no money with which to gamble. Install blocking devices on your computer, downgrade your phone to a non Internet version, ditch your Visa card and use a cash card instead. Get counselling urgently and try GA, the meetings may be male dominated but the members do understand gambling.

If you do all of these things and your husband is willing to support you, then he should manage the money, allow you time for counselling/meetings. The very last thing he should do is get a loan in his name to bail you out. You created this mess, you need to deal with it and pay back your debts, yourself, with your money as managed by him, as and when you can. StepChange give debt advice and the person who should contact them and make the arrangements is you, not him. There is no quick fix but with time and patience, it can be overcome.

Finally, your husband will need help to come to terms with what you've done. Allow him the time for counselling, GamAnon or whatever he chooses, he will be angry, hurt, upset and it will take time.

Wish you well,

CW

Obviously I didn't tell him to just bail me out. I told him because I knew I couldn't do this alone! I didn't want to drag him down hence the secret for such a long time. As much as it hurts to say it...the fact that we are married means he is involved financially now! We have a house, a child therefore our money is shared.

If you're not a gambler yourself it may be difficult to understand the feelings it brings. That sinking feeling you have..,you don't want to do it but you do! It literally takes everything from you! Sanity, dignity, social life, happiness, money - everything! My post was meant for other gamblers who fear the worst! I am lucky to have such an understanding husband clearly not everyone is as supportive-however the worst thing you can do is try and deal with it on your own because that's half the reason you go back-because you see no way out! U think that you're going to get the next big win to cover those debts that you've racked up and it never comes! It's deluded-but it's how you feel!

I tried cancelling accounts etc previously and yet there is always some way that you are lured back in. My credit card even increased it's limit despite the fact that I was using it for nothing other than depositing on gambling websites!

After telling him, he now has full control of my finances With every bank and card given to him along with passwords and information. I was truly honest to him about my addiction and my finances for the first time in 6 which is the biggest step I've taken yet. I am fully aware this will not go away and have already referred myself to a counselling team too! I have every intention to stop and have more determination now than ever...and I am now hoping that with him by my side it will be that little bit easier. Believe it or not I am in a professional job and would have never thought I would have been stupid enough to be in this situation but it's scary how easy it happens!

My post was intended to give those ppl who need it that boost and possible confidence to speak to someone. It may not be helpful for everyone...it may not be helpful to me but I certainly hope it will be and I will do everything it takes to ensure I never gamble again!

Hello,

Fair enough. My point was that telling him is one of multiple actions required to overcome the addiction. No, of course I don't get the gambling mentality but I do have to live with the consequences of it.

re the cards, you could write to the card companies and say that you don't want any more credit, that the debt will be repaid eventually but you don't want to borrow any more and you won't be using the card again. In addition to this sort of letter, my husband destroyed the card. Having headroom in an overdraft or credit card limit is risky.

Your husband may be affected by your debt in that there is less family money available but he's not responsible for paying any of it back. Like me, he didn't benefit from it! If he does seek help and support, he will be given the standard advice to manage the finances and see that agreed repayments are honoured but not to use his own money or credit to bail out. I did volunteer to pay some of my husband's debts off first time round and got no thanks for it. This time round, he transferred his share of our flat to me first.

Wish you and your husband well,

CW

I understand that living with us is very difficult. Must be frustrating to say the least. I did expect my husband to walk away and I didn't tell him for pity or for a bail out I told him for the sake of my sanity and because i wanted to get better. I knew it was the only way.

Having this addiction goes against everything I believe. If I hadn't been through this I probably would think they were been pathetic and inconsiderate but it's certainly not my intentions!

How long has your husband been in recovery?

Hello,

Coming up to four months but it's the first time in all the years that he's been a CG, at least fifteen. He still lacks self esteem but hopefully continued attendance at the GA meetings will help him build himself back up. And my continued attendance at GamAnon will help me come to terms with it.

Best wishes,

CW

Just read your post and your in a very good place, you now have the makings of quiting once and for all, i really hope I see yours post throughout your recovery and see the happy ending I'm sure I will, good luck kel

Hi

I absolutely do! Day 17 and still going strong! Believe it it bit I have not been tempted one little bit and I think that's because I am no long living my life in secret. That was half of my battle. At my second counselling session today too. I am so determined. After everything my husband has done for me I owe him this!

Hi Kel,

You sound so enthusiastic and happy about your recovery. That's what is needed. Because this addiction largely feeds on negativity. In the days ahead maybe some small rough patches might come at your way because of the money issues, don't let them get to you as they can be overcome. Throw them out of your mind, as the money lost was in the past you cannot change the past, none of us can. Today is in your control and you know what, you are not losing money today, because simply, you are not a gambling person today. And that is what matters. One day at a time for all of us.

You are a sensible person and I am sure you will be succesful as you have a very good other half by your side.

I wish you every success for your recovery, may good things come in your way.

Take care

Ergos (who will not gamble today)

Hi
You're right it does feed off negativity because since stopping I haven't had the urges. The negative thoughts hsve gone and i feel like i am on the right road to becoming the person i was. The control has been taken from me now which us what I needed. I can't gamble without been caught now whereas before I gambled so that I wasn't caught.
To me I had to be completely honest (completely) to stop. In April I won enough to clear debts but the secrets and the extra credit cards were still there so in continued. ..I don't know what it's trying to achieve. We've discussed everything. All the debt and the fact that I once spent nearly 5 grand in a day! Luckily i won some back but nevertheless that was how bad i got. Shocking but I needed to get everything off my chest! It devastated him and me to have to see him talk to someone he thought he knew but yet beneath was this person that no one knows!

I hope you're doing well with your recovery? How long has it been?

Hi kel, how's it going, hope u well

Hi, Kelmar,

I hope all is going well for you and that you're staying positive.

I just read your last post on Julie's thread and am going to stick my oar in. My husband used to work in the City and as he has hotly told me on several occasions, his job was speculative, possibly the whole industry is. He had to make the right call on which way the markets would go. This is a toxic work environment for a CG.

As it happens, I didn't know he was a CG at that point (I knew that he was moody and unreasonable). He lost his job in the credit crunch and found work in a totally different sector, where he has stayed. But there's no way he could ever return to the City.

For some CGs, a total rethink of lifestyle and employment may be needed to stay in recovery. There are other City workers who have posted in the forum, also people who work in the betting industry who have been sucked in. You're struggling with the fruit machine but you have one in your workplace. Surely this is making things much harder for you?

Your husband certainly does deserve consideration but allowing yourself to be in a casino so he doesn't miss out is the wrong sort of consideration. You need to do what it takes to overcome the gambling and in this respect, you may legitimately need to be selfish.

No one is judging you. But we are making suggestions, giving advice that you don't like but would help. However unpopular, it's worth thinking about but as ever it's your call.

Wish you well,

CW

same here ,i told my husband and blew a lot of money in two weeks telling him is a good thing

I feel really down again cant move on

Hi seems a while since I've been on here but it's not because I've started gambling everything's still going well 56 days today. So proud. Counselling sessions have been stopped and I am so happy. I genuinely believe there's turning back.

When I was at the peak of my addiction I could spend 3 or 4000 in a sitter.. all starting from £10. Having someone there to talk to has made the difference. He has been brilliant and I genuinely don't believe I could have done this without him. I have not had one urge and I think that's because if I can't. I know full well that my husband can check up on me whenever he wants.

I know telling people is the hardest thing you can do but for me it has been the best. I am happy again and have money to do things.

I have had the best few months I've had in a while...