I've never posted anywhere, just a lot of emotional talks with friends and sometimes family.
Ever since I started sneaking into casinos at 16 years old I was hooked. This led to 14 years of hell. I've lost countless amount of money over the years. Haven;t gone back to add it all up, but it's easily 150k+ USD. (10K-15K per year at LEAST, over the last 10 years...)
I've lost money my family have given me, gotten bailed out a handful of times, stolen from family, went to jail, got out, and STILL continued this cyclic disease.
I never understood why -- I remember my mom would gamble the stock market nad lose all the money when i was a kid. Money was always an issue.
Tonight I went back after 2 weeks of no gambling. Lost $700 tonight on my CC. no job right now either. I'm currently 13K in CC debt. I am still trying to understand why I do it.
I never wrote in a journal or diary really in the past, but this year I told myself I would do it.
I'm writing about my life and my behaviors and for the past 9 years, gambling has been the root cause of all my depression. and misery. my downfall. It was the reason i've gotten in all the trouble I've been in my entire life. I was never a bad person, but gambling makes me desperate for a way out.
I guess I post here to vent and get my story out there. Some of your posts help to know I'm not alone. But it feels very lonely especially when I get into the episodes of self destruct.
Ive been here hundreds of times, depression, anxious, lonely, mad at myself, and every time, after some time passes, the urge comes back. The itch. The psychosis. I'm sick of not being in control. I always trick myself to think I'm smarter, or that my luck will change this time and i'll crawl out of the hole. But every time i just go deeper into the abyss.
It's obvious to myself and in this wall of text that I have a problem, but it's such a silent problem that I keep buried beneath, that not many people know the extremity of it.
After journaling, a few reasons I wrote:
I gamble (it always starts with poker, then leads to sports betting, e-sports, f*****g volleyball betting in russia, you name it) because:
- it makes me feel like i'm working towards something (mostly in the poker realm of things)
some questions I ask myself when writing:
-why must I invite this dreadful chaos into my life?
-is it the rush? the chase? What do I view money as? Why do I want to always take shortcuts to get there?
So where I'm at is I know I have a problem, and I'm trying to figure out why and how to stop. I always get "over" the money and after a few weeks, I think "oh man, 400$ quick dollars sounds pretty nice right now to pay back that credit card payment real quick so its like nothing ever happened". this is what -13K in the hole sounds like.
If you got this far, thank you for reading. i'm so sick of living this way. I wish i wasn't born like this. I wish that I could just slow down. and let go. I go weeks OK, then one random day, restless, and boom, the cycle repeats.
I want to quit forever.
Hi mate I know exactly where you coming from.
Gambler of 23 years lost around 400 thousands pounds out of my pocket rollover of over 1 milion pounds
Gamble free for 31 days exactly but I have placed one single sport bet on day 30 which lost thanks god.
Use to spend around £1500-£2000 on betting itself a month in last 31 days I have spend £25
What a difference right ?
Lied to lots of people have stolen a lot same life story
I had an opportunity to gamble with over £700 pounds literally being given to me (someone offered to borrow me this money till.next week payday I thought I could make more by gambling but I quickly refused this offer!)
I would never ever refuse money given to me ever
This time I have I don't know why but I feel some negativity towards gambling since I only placed single sport bet for £25 in last 31 days
It's not the same buzz,same feeling like it use to be before.
I don't find that fuel in gambling no more then I use to get from it.
Try to not gamble for about a month my friend and let me know how you feel yourself.
Take care
It's mostly insecurity in our lifes that makes us gamble.Social withdrawall is another reason why we do it.We are thinking that we are withdrawn from the society of Rich,successful people,and we are trying to obtain this by gambling.
Ask yourself a question,do you ever think about yourself that you're not as good as others in life,that you haven't achieved nothing,etc etc
Its our mindset that we put in our heads that we are something lower then other human beings that our lifes are not what we expected they would be by now
You have to set your mindset with positive things,attitude towards yourself,self-loving,be grateful for what you've got in your life,that you have legs,arms,you're able to walk,speak,eat,have food on the table,job,roof over your head and much more.Belief in God also helps but that's up to you.
We are most of times in our life ungrateful for what we got,you don't gamble because of dream that you will be millionaire from betting one day,your conscience already knows that you're not going to win from gambling
It's simple stupidity that's why we gamble,and believe me or not its much easier to stop gambling then drinking alcohol or taking drugs or even smoking.Substance controlling your body when you gamble its just in your brain.With alcohol or smoking or drugs addiction is mental and physical aswel.
50% easier to quit gambling then any other addiction,you might relapse at some points on your journey but at the end you will stop for good.
Hi
You say that you have never posted anywhere before, well thank you for your honesty and for reducing your fears.
I to had wasted so much time and money and was abale to see what I was doing was very unhealthy for me.
I use my addictiobns and obsessions to escape what I was feeling emotionally.
I was not a bad person, I was not evil, I was not stupid I was just emotionally vulnerable.
Yes it an eye opener when you add it all up.
The money was gone, and in truth to earn money was also time wasted, how many hours weeks months did it take me to earn that money and all I was doing was running away from myself..
When I walked in to the meetings the first day I did not know or understand how unhealthy I was.
I can not change my past yet I can learn from it.
My addictions and obsessions was me trying to run away from myself and my feelings.
My addictions and obsessions was just the symptoms as to how emotionally vulnerable I was.
In time I made the deicison to give up my unhealthy habits and exchange those unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
It was just like baby steps to each day say to my self just for today I will not gamble.
To understand that by going back to my unhealthy habits I simply made things much worse.
For me the recovery program would help me understand that I had lots of pains of the past that were not healed.
I also had lots of fears that I needed to reduce and face.
I also had lots of frsutrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
I also had times I was very much aloner pretending to by some I was not.
I had many times I did not feel very productive in my self and need to stop being bored.
I was able to reduce my procrastinating and write down lists of my needs my wants and in my on growing goals.
Being accountable to my self was a very healthy thing to do.
By being honest with my self I was coming out of denial about how emotionally vulnerable I was.
My talks and therapies in the rooms of recovery helped me articualte my feelings, I was able to open up and stop living in my fears.
By being so honest was about healing and learning reducing my fears and my trust grew in my self and with other people.
When I started sneaking away from life and people indicated how much fear I was living in.
The money lost can not be changed, it is done and gone.
Yet by taking my recovery seriously I can save my self from causing my self and any further self inflicted pains in the future.
In the recovery program I learned to heal my pains and reduce my fears and that was possible by me being honest with my self.
In time I was bale to help my self become a much healthier person.
I have the choice today to become a person I like to be.
By being honest in my recovery I saw and felt my self in the fears in other people.
It is only by my abstaining was I able to start healing my pains and reduce my fears.
When I was lying indicated how much fear I was living in.
By me writing down a journal or diary of my past, I was being more honest with myself.
By writing about my life and my behaviors I was facing my reality of how unhealthy I was.
Yet by being honest I could change today and my future.
To no longer live in my fears and start to be proud of who I am today.
I was never a bad person, yet I was a very emotionally vulnerable person.
My gambling was a way of me trying to run away from my self.
How insane that sounds it was true and honesty about my self.
The simple truth I could not continue running away from myself.
I'm not a loner.
My fears do not restrict my life today.
My pains are in the healing process today.
Living in depression, anxious, lonely, is not my life today.
I have in effect come out of my self today more and more.
The hurt inner child in me is healing and been set free.
The intmacy I wanted as a hurt inner child was not there for me in the past.
Sadly there were lots of people in my life that were very unhealthy, I no longer want to live an unhealthy life today.
Just for today no more time wasting.
Just for today no more burying my pains.
Just for today no more fears holding me back.
Just for today no more chaos my life.
Just for today no more adrenaline rush from living in my fears.
Just for today no more self inflicted pains.
I was not born an unhealthy person.
Just for today I was not go back to the self destructive cycles and repeats.
Just for today I want to be the healthiest person I can be today.
Dave L
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