I've never posted anywhere, just a lot of emotional talks with friends and sometimes family.
Ever since I started sneaking into casinos at 16 years old I was hooked. This led to 14 years of hell. I've lost countless amount of money over the years. Haven;t gone back to add it all up, but it's easily 150k+ USD. (10K-15K per year at LEAST, over the last 10 years...)
I've lost money my family have given me, gotten bailed out a handful of times, stolen from family, went to jail, got out, and STILL continued this cyclic disease.
I never understood why -- I remember my mom would gamble the stock market nad lose all the money when i was a kid. Money was always an issue.Â
Tonight I went back after 2 weeks of no gambling. Lost $700 tonight on my CC. no job right now either. I'm currently 13K in CC debt. I am still trying to understand why I do it.Â
I never wrote in a journal or diary really in the past, but this year I told myself I would do it.
I'm writing about my life and my behaviors and for the past 9 years, gambling has been the root cause of all my depression. and misery. my downfall. It was the reason i've gotten in all the trouble I've been in my entire life. I was never a bad person, but gambling makes me desperate for a way out.
I guess I post here to vent and get my story out there. Some of your posts help to know I'm not alone. But it feels very lonely especially when I get into the episodes of self destruct.
Ive been here hundreds of times, depression, anxious, lonely, mad at myself, and every time, after some time passes, the urge comes back. The itch. The psychosis. I'm sick of not being in control. I always trick myself to think I'm smarter, or that my luck will change this time and i'll crawl out of the hole. But every time i just go deeper into the abyss.
It's obvious to myself and in this wall of text that I have a problem, but it's such a silent problem that I keep buried beneath, that not many people know the extremity of it.
After journaling, a few reasons I wrote:
I gamble (it always starts with poker, then leads to sports betting, e-sports, f*****g volleyball betting in russia, you name it) because:
- it makes me feel like i'm working towards something (mostly in the poker realm of things)
some questions I ask myself when writing:
-why must I invite this dreadful chaos into my life?
-is it the rush? the chase? What do I view money as? Why do I want to always take shortcuts to get there?
So where I'm at is I know I have a problem, and I'm trying to figure out why and how to stop. I always get "over" the money and after a few weeks, I think "oh man, 400$ quick dollars sounds pretty nice right now to pay back that credit card payment real quick so its like nothing ever happened". this is what -13K in the hole sounds like.
If you got this far, thank you for reading. i'm so sick of living this way. I wish i wasn't born like this. I wish that I could just slow down. and let go. I go weeks OK, then one random day, restless, and boom, the cycle repeats.
I want to quit forever.Â
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Hi mate I know exactly where you coming from.
Gambler of 23 years lost around 400 thousands pounds out of my pocket rollover of over 1 milion pounds
Gamble free for 31 days exactly but I have placed one single sport bet on day 30 which lost thanks god.
Use to spend around £1500-£2000 on betting itself a month in last 31 days I have spend £25
What a difference right ?
Lied to lots of people have stolen a lot same life storyÂ
I had an opportunity to gamble with over £700 pounds literally being given to me (someone offered to borrow me this money till.next week payday I thought I could make more by gambling but I quickly refused this offer!)
I would never ever refuse money given to me ever
This time I have I don't know why but I feel some negativity towards gambling since I only placed single sport bet for £25 in last 31 days
It's not the same buzz,same feeling like it use to be before.
I don't find that fuel in gambling no more then I use to get from it.
Try to not gamble for about a month my friend and let me know how you feel yourself.
Take care
It's mostly insecurity in our lifes that makes us gamble.Social withdrawall is another reason why we do it.We are thinking that we are withdrawn from the society of Rich,successful people,and we are trying to obtain this by gambling.
Ask yourself a question,do you ever think about yourself that you're not as good as others in life,that you haven't achieved nothing,etc etc
Its our mindset that we put in our heads that we are something lower then other human beings that our lifes are not what we expected they would be by now
You have to set your mindset with positive things,attitude towards yourself,self-loving,be grateful for what you've got in your life,that you have legs,arms,you're able to walk,speak,eat,have food on the table,job,roof over your head and much more.Belief in God also helps but that's up to you.
We are most of times in our life ungrateful for what we got,you don't gamble because of dream that you will be millionaire from betting one day,your conscience already knows that you're not going to win from gambling
It's simple stupidity that's why we gamble,and believe me or not its much easier to stop gambling then drinking alcohol or taking drugs or even smoking.Substance controlling your body when you gamble its just in your brain.With alcohol or smoking or drugs addiction is mental and physical aswel.
50% easier to quit gambling then any other addiction,you might relapse at some points on your journey but at the end you will stop for good.
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