Hi all,
I'm soon to enter my 25th day of recovery. For the past 3 or so years I've been gambling on and off. When the addiction takes over it's a complete trance and although the angel on my should tries to be the voice of reason, the addiction is so much stronger.
I've been trying to find the right time and opportunity to tell my wife for the last year but we've recently married and I felt embarrassed, ashamed and a coward every time the opportunity arose. This is the third time I've had to come clean to her in the past 7 years and I feel nothing but guilt for the hurt I've caused her. She is the sweetest person I've ever met and is my complete rock. She doesn't really understand the addiction, the control it has once it takes over and thinks that I should have been able to stop at any point over the past 3 years (she's probably right)
I'm really struggling to find the words to comfort her pain and fear we'll never be back to the complete bliss we've had since being married last year. I've come completely clean and shown her my debts which consists of 2 credit cards, 2 bank loans and a payday loan totalling £6.5k
She looked through my payday loan history and to my complete horror, I realised that I've taken out 10 since 2021.. it's a complete blur. I know she doesn't deserve this and the feeling of guilt I have had driven me to have some scary and suicidal thoughts. In all reality I wouldn't have the courage to go through with something like that but it still doesn't ease the feelings I have.
I'm lucky enough to be in a position to clear the current debts in a relatively short space of time and have thankfully never missed a payment (loan or otherwise) due to my addiction. My big fear is around the future we have planned together with the hope of buying a new house next year and the effects of multiple loans, new accounts etc. opened on my credit report will have on that.
I've committed to changing for myself and more importantly for our future together. Tomorrow I will be attending my first GA meeting (the thought of which terrifies me) and I've agreed to hand over all of my wages (except for what loans, bills etc. that need to be paid) I've also told her that she can access my accounts at any time without notice to hopefully help prove to her that our future is the most important thing for me. I've also had gamban and gamblock in place but have managed to find ways around this in the past through new/old devices. I've installed gamban on all devices now.
Has anyone been in a similar position before where your better half doesn't really understand how the addiction can get a grip of you? I've lived the past 3 years hating the person I become when gambling (sneaky, lying etc.) and want to prove to her (and probably more importantly myself) that I can regain control and hopefully her trust in time.
Today is day 25/thousands into my recovery. I will not let this define me and I promise not to steal happiness from my future ever again. Wishing you all well with your recovery. SAD23
Hi,
Well done for posting on here and for opening up. Although it’s a really hard thing to do, being completely transparent is the only way forward, and will feel like a huge weight off your shoulders.
I came clean to my husband in March 2022 but I wasn’t completely honest, I held back and probably didn’t think I had a problem. I didn’t gamble for about 4 months but then got complacent. Fast forward 2 years and I tripled the debt, and all the debt was in his name (he didn’t know!!) tens of thousands of pounds!!
Last July I hit rock bottom and was going to be faced with 4 loan payments and 2 credit card payments which I couldn’t pay! He was going to find out. I broke down but told him everything, absolutely everything.
He doesn’t understand addiction at all but he has been very supportive despite what I did and what I’ve ruined for him.
Just make sure every door is closed and tripled locked! Don’t leave anything to chance.
Have you heard of Gordon Moody? They offer retreats and it was the best thing I could have done! I learned so much about myself and the addiction. I’d nightly recommend.
Today I am 340 days gamble free! Be kind to yourself, don’t keep any secrets from your wife, however big or small.
Massive good luck on your journey!!
Claire x
I feel for you mate. I went through this 95 days ago. Been 94 days gf now. The shock my wife experienced when she saw my bank and loan statements is something that I'll never forget. Worst still, and just like you, i wasn't aware of half of them. The gambler in me blanked them out and i got deeper into debt.
I asked my wife to come on here and do some research on addictions which she did. She spoke to someone from Gamcare and she said it really helped her understand the illness. Ultimately she decided she couldn't stay with me, even after i offered to hand over the financials, attend GA etc. Its tough to be a gamblers partner. We are liars, we are devious, and we cant be trusted. As you said, the addiction takes over everything. People do get through this together though. If you involve her in everything and be honest about everything then the trust will grow again. You've hurt her beyond measure. We don't mean to. We are not bad people until the gambling takes over. With the help you are seeking you can be that good person all the time. She may not ever understand how your mind works when you gamble, but as long as you don't gamble again she wont have to. Slowly but surely with honesty and openness she will understand more of what you went through, and you will understand what you've put her through. Ultimately though, the onus is on you to make this up to her. She's willing to help, even after you've hurt her, so she doesn't have to understand how it grips you. She just wants to know you will not go back.
Good luck at the GA meeting. I go regularly. Its scary on your first night but great once you get past the door. I look forward to my meetings now.
Best of luck.
Thanks for taking the time to reply and share your experiences Claire.
It truly does feel like a huge weight has been lifted as I no longer need to be the manipulative and calculated person I have been. The emotions of that have been replaced with guilt and fear for the hurt (and the impact of the hurt) I've caused my wife.
Something that she pointed out recently was that I white lie all the time about the silliest of things and it's something she hates. I think lying, whether big or small, has always been a defence mechanism for me in some twisted way.
Well done for having the strength and courage to be completely honest with your husband and for being 340 GF. I have not heard of Gordon Moody but will certainly have a look into that. Thanks for the recommendation. Something I've learnt recently is that you can't truly recover without having a number of support mechanisms in place. I know I'll never succeed if I try to go it alone as I've done for most of my gambling life (13 years on and off).
Wishing you well with your recovery and really appreciate the advice you've shared.
Thanks for sharing mate. I feel as though I can relate to your experiences massively. I'm sorry to hear that things haven't worked out with your wife but hope that one day you can rekindle the life and love you had together.
I hope you don't mind me asking but did you hurt your wife over a prolonged period through your addiction or was this just a once off? The reason I ask is because huge insecurities have begun to creep up for me now where I feel as though the betrayal I've caused to her will lead to her potentially betraying me in another way. In all reality, I don't think she would as she is not like that and we are very committed to one another but the thought still lingers that she's been hurt and will get even (either consciously or subconsciously)
You're completely right about it being such a devious affliction. I don't think I'm a bad person and always try to be kind to others, the irony being my addiction has made me be extremely unkind to the person I love the most.
I really do hope she can find trust in me over time and accept that it's completely on me to rebuild that trust. Im hopeful that the measures I've put in place and the plans I have to beat this will show her she is the most important thing to me. I just really hope that I haven't pushed her over the edge and she feels as though she can't get past the hurt I've caused. Only time will tell I suppose
I know that walking through that door tomorrow will be the first step on the road to redemption for me for my wife. Have you any advice you could kindly impart of your experiences with GA to date?
Sincere congratulations on your journey these past few months. I know it hasn't been easy and wish you continued strength in your recovery.
@itlega6q0k lying becomes a habit and it becomes so easy to do. I too was lying about the most ridiculous things and I even believed them myself.
It really is so important to stay connected to those in the same position, because we all get it and know exactly how you feel.I tried to do it alone in 2022, it didn’t work!
In time the trust will return with your wife and she’ll see the changes you are making.
Please, please be kind to yourself though, it’s an illness you’re dealing with here and a very nasty one. Yes you gambled, yes you lied, but it wasn’t you? You didn’t chose this life and chose to get in to debt etc. The evil gambling demons want you to feel useless and unimportant! Don’t let them take anything else from you. You will never win, you will never be up! The biggest thing for me was removing the guilt boulder. The more you feel guilty, the likelihood is you’ll end up gambling again.
Eventually you could bet the value of a house, win double and will still want more!!
Claire x
@itlega6q0k. Yes. I have been where you are now and. I completely remember the self hate, anxiety and pain experienced.
My other half was amazing. She saw it for what it was which was just money. Money is really not that important. I can't tha k her enough for this...
However she didn't get the addition or what it was doing to me. She thought it was over when I told her about my issue. It has been really hard since as I have been going through a recovery process independently and she just thinks I am healed as I'm not gambling.
At my worst I had thoughts of ending it all and I even tried. The other half was really shocked yet really supportive but then passed the page and carried on with our daily routine. I would have really appreciated her checking in on me. However she moved on.
I think that an addiction of any kind is hard to understand for the person who isn't addicted. That is why recovery is such a personal journey. No-one can get better for you, you have to get better for yourself.
If you need support or to just vent please just use the forum here. We are going though the same thing and want you to succeed
I hurt my wife over our entire relationship i suppose. Not intentionally and not through malice, just by being deceitful about money. I was never truthful. She is a very money savvy person and i was the complete opposite. She was worried that being linked to me financially could hurt her. She also read of people who have taken out loans in others names etc and was worried i would do that. I never would, i never did anything like that. When i was skint i would take out a loan in my name and then be broke for the rest of the month when i couldn't get more loans.
I wouldn't worry about her wanting to get even with you by betraying you. She has said she will stay with you and help you and if you can focus on you, and getting better, she will see the difference and you will slowly get back to how you were. Worrying about other things will not help your recovery. You want a stress free life now. Stress can trigger gambling all too easily. Accept the fact she is willing to save the relationship. That speaks words about her character. I cant see her then deciding to betray you. I would probably add though, that the next time you are not honest with her, you may have to face her wraith!!
Advice for GA - The meetings are not for everyone, but also a lifeline to others. My meeting is very friendly, relaxed and you don't have to talk if you don't want to. My advice would be to take the plunge and tell your story. You'll no doubt hear others stories and think o*g. I heard from people who were taking out phones in partners names just to sell, people living on the street due to gambling and still they gambled. You may come out of your first meeting in a daze. At the end of the day though, everyone's story is the same. Person gets involved in gambling, person loses allot (money/relationships/homes), person seeks help thinking they have no way out. Listen to what everyone has to say. Its just like speaking in here but more real.
Once again, good luck. Let us know how you get on.
The way i see see stuff no body owes me nothing in this world, this was one of the reasons why i fell into gambling hard only my close family has been their for me even though they had no understanding of addiction i am still responsible for my actions and i'm only doing this for myself, since my last relapse i have helped few people on the way that how i have always been 356 days clean each and everyone can do leave the past behind, what ever test comes after deal with it at the time thats how i think now
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