Can’t find any peace in terms of regret

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(@cardiffsam)
Posts: 4
Topic starter
 

Hi all.

A couple of weeks back I posted on here detailing a day in which I lost all of my savings, 15k in around a 5 hour period. It took around 7 singles on the football (my addiction is purely football betting) and started with a few hundred just with a view to making a little extra, this lost and from there every chase bet that followed obviously got bigger each time - each time going wrong because of small decisions by me which resulted in me picking losers instead of winners. Im waking up every morning in a completely depressed state and one thing I can’t get past at all currently is how for each of the bets on the way down, ultimately ending up with a 7k chase bet, I had options and each time chose wrong, with the other games I’d looked at coming in if I’d only chosen those instead.

Even the first bet chasing after the initial loss, the machine in the bookies wasn’t offering the selection I wanted, so I switched to a different bet, mine lost and the one I wanted to do came in, this of course led to another chase bet. Then on the 2k chase I chose to go one of two options, mine lost and the other would’ve come in and brought me back even, another higher chase bet of course followed. Then later on as I was further into the chase, I attempted to go to the bookies nearest to my home to look at placing an inplay - it was closed randomly in the middle of the day, meaning I had to drive elsewhere and missed a bet I’d looked at would’ve come in and broke me even again.

Finally, with the final 7k chase I had 4 options on the England game against Denmark, 3 of the 4 I looked at would’ve come in, the one I chose lost in ridiculous fashion (should’ve come in after England scored early on), and my whole world came crashing down again. I lost everything I had just over two years ago, managed to pull myself out of that hole after months on end of severe depression, now I find myself in bed constantly and unable to comprehend the position I find myself in again.

What I was hoping to ask, is whether anyone has any advice for dealing with these thoughts of regret regarding the decisions I made and how I failed to get out of jail several times purely based on such fine margin decisions by myself (and also issues with the bookies on a couple of occasions). I can’t stop thinking about why I didn’t just go a different way and choose any of the bets that won and would’ve got me out of jail, it’s just mental torture as I lie here, savings gone again, longing to disappear. It feels almost as if that day was orchestrated by a higher power, I’ve had warnings in recent months before this total loss, I’ve had days where I’ve nearly lost thousands and got out of jail - this time it just seemed that everything was meant to go against me. Maybe it was punishment for not heeding the several warnings I was given.

There are so many aspects to this particular relapse and severe loss which are allowing me zero peace or relief, but the regret in terms of decisions is killing me at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice to offer on this?

Sorry for the long message.

Sam

 

 
Posted : 7th July 2024 2:16 pm
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 225
 

Hi Sam, I'll be brutally honest with you. Your post to me seems like your mind is not ready to give up gambling. Thinking of the 'what ifs' will only tempt you back in. Getting out of jail is not really an option. If you had won, you would have lost it all again. I'm sure all of the gamblers on here have had a time when they thought, that's it, I've had a decent win, i can walk away happy. Guess what? We are all on here looking for help. Big wins, don't help gamblers, they make them worse.

I lost huge amounts of money and am paying it back now. Sure a big win would help me, but i have accepted that it will not help me in the long run as i would not quit gambling then. The only way to get past the lost money is to write it off completely. You never had it. Whatever debt you have now is your new ground zero and it can only get better form now on by accepting this.

Tough to accept, but its the only way to truly having a chance at beating this addiction. Don't think of bets anymore. You might have won some, you might have lost some, but ultimately you would lose them all. Focus on moving forwards. No regrets. No point. What's done is done. The only regret you should have now is allowing your mind to think about those bets.

Hope these words help in some way. Move forward with a clear head. New start.

Stay strong 👍 

 
Posted : 7th July 2024 5:10 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1808
 

Hi

I now understand that my addictions and  obsessions just indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Being emotionally vulnerable did not mean that I was a wweak person, it did not mean I was a bad person.

That me being emotionally vulnerable did not mean that I was weak, the truth is I was a survivor but unable to process the pains of my past.

My telling lies adn deceiving people indicated that I was living in a state of panick, in other owrds high levels of fear.

By me stopping acting  out to my addictions and obsessions indicated that I could heal the hurt inner child in me.

The pains in my past caused lots of fears in me that I did not fuly understood.

By going to meetings I would not only abstain from unhealthy habits ut be able to become a much healthier healed person.

Recovery 

means to me healing.

I am a non religious person yet I am a more spirtual person today.

Because I have guilt and shame in me indicates that deep down I am a healthy person.

Yet due to my fears and I would justify trying to escape my unhealthy feelings and emotions.

I have been asked if I have not gambled in over thirty why go to meetings.

I understand that the honesty in the meetings gets me to heal my pains and enjoy my life with out any fears today.

Yesterday I had a emory recall memory of the last time I went back to Gambling.

In 1992 I travelled from England to Calgary and was at the stampede ground when I found that they had a casino inside the grounds.

I decided to have a bet once more.

What was my emotional trigger, the fact I was back in Calgary where I still had fears in me of my father.

And at that time I also made a decision to have a voice and stand up for my self from a place of peace.

What made me be a victim was not being aba\le to stand up for my self, not having a voice from a place of peace.

On 1st August I will be celebrating my 32nd year of not gambling with our meeting in Calgary.

The money wasted was just the fuel for my addiction.

The money would never heal the hurt inner child in me.

The gambling establishments never hurt me I hurt my self.

The gambling establishments never lied to me I lied to my self.

I did not fully understand how unhealthy and emotionally vulnerable I was.

In time we heal the guilt and shame of the past we have left behind.

The therapies lead me to be more fearless and more honest with my self.

The therapies lead me to give up talking about money lost and being in action.

When I procrastinate and avoid doing my needs and my wants and do not get the best from my life.

When I procrastinate I am cheating my self.

The meetings help me heal the hurt inner child in me.

Why do people warm to me, why do they want to share them self with me.

In the meetings I am honestly humbled to be an equal to all people no matter when our last bet was.

I have a healthy future being in the meetings.

I have the choice to make much healthier choices each day.

Healing Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 

 
Posted : 7th July 2024 5:34 pm
Thebean
(@thebean)
Posts: 194
 

@cardiffsam Hi Sam.  Well done for getting your thoughts down in your post.  I hope that it helped.

I have had to deal with massive regrets as I lost hundreds of thousands over my 20 years gambling.  The thoughts of 'what if?'  can be very hard to deal with and leaves a sick tight feeling across the chest.  Why did I not cashout when the bankroll was at £8000 when I only deposited £100 an hour before?  Why did I not just run when I staked £4 and got £4600 on a bonus round?  But all of this is missing the point.

I think that what weirdfish says is very insightful and I agree 100%.

Are you here because you recognise that you have an issue that needs proper treatment or are you here posting because your bet did not win?

If you had gambled that amount and then your bet had won and you got the money back what would be different?  Sure you would have the money but for how long?  If you won would that mean that you were some how in control and did not have as much of a problem?

The losses have gone.  There is no way of getting them back.  They are history.  But it is just money in the grand scheme of things money is not as important as we may think.  You could have a terminal disease and have to face death in the face at a young age or lose someone who you loved in a likewise manner, all you have done is lose some money, numbers at the end of the day.

You need to accept the loss and channel your feelings into preventing this from happening again.

Keep us updated and I wish you the best 

 

 

 
Posted : 7th July 2024 11:03 pm
(@287hzyl0pq)
Posts: 58
 

accountability is probably the easiest route out of regret , although most gamblers prefer delusion 

The moneys gone the decisions and bets leading up to that are mostly irrelevant at this stage

take responsibility get up and get to work fixing the mess

 
Posted : 8th July 2024 5:12 am
Tazman
(@tazman)
Posts: 365
 

I had those exact thoughts in my early stages as i was full of regrets why didnt i take x amount, the funny thing was a friend of a friend lost won and lost £250k within 5 days of betting at that time i couldnt believe how stupied he was i believe this was one of my down falls as i believed i could do better my way of thinking as changed even if i got all my money back and twice the amount it would end up in the same way, i have accepted i have no control over gambling so my job now is to work on not placing the bet, so even after knowing this a relapse can occur, my advice is the sooner u get help the better you will get

 
Posted : 8th July 2024 11:20 am
cpparch
(@cpparch)
Posts: 153
 

Hi, well done for posting on here. 

Are you ready to stop gambling? If you are then you need to forget about the loses, the what ifs and the regrets. If it had gone a different way and you had got a good win, you would have put it all back in anyway, because you would have wanted to win even more. 

Get all those blocks in place and try and talk to someone, it will really help.

Claire x

 
Posted : 8th July 2024 8:21 pm
(@cardiffsam)
Posts: 4
Topic starter
 

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, it is appreciated.

Thanks for the advice re. seeking help also, I have already done this and am pursuing a couple of types of therapy with a view to making this the last time.

I don’t want to jinx it but I feel like I have slightly more clarity today, hoping this lasts and improves further.

In regards to the regret around the losses and not getting out of jail etc, I think one of the reasons I’ve been so devastated re. that is that my father did hold all of my money for me for a good few months. Then just over a month ago I manipulated my way into getting it back (this has of course added to the guilt, shame and regret).

Like I say, I feel I have a bit more clarity today but the reason I was obsessing so much about the bets which should’ve and very nearly did get me out of jail, was the fact that I had it firmly in my head that as soon as I broke even I was going to send everything back to my dad. This is why I’ve struggled with the answers that say you’d have lost it all anyway, as I know that in my head my plan was to once again relinquish my access to the funds.

The flip side to this, of course, is that had I broke even and sent it back, my parents and the people around me would be none the wiser about the hugely destructive relapse I’ve been in the middle of for months. I wouldn’t be seeking help to the same extent, and I probably wouldn’t have had that moment which has given me the absolute clarity and defining point at which I know I have to use all of my might to make this the last time I do this to myself.

Im trying to think to myself that if this loss of 14k saves me from a lifetime of misery, lost time, and what would be far greater financial losses at that point, then I have to try and see it as a blessing.

 

Thanks again all

 
Posted : 8th July 2024 8:42 pm
(@287hzyl0pq)
Posts: 58
 

Obsession is a core part of the addiction 

 

It's what draws you in and keeps you there

 

obsessing over this outcome or this amount of money or why everything in life is so unfair 

 

Keeps you going around In mental circles until eventually you just end up back gambling as its the most logical thing your brain can do to calm the obsessive and compulsive thoughts

 

like I said previously own the mess you have created for yourself , put your big boy pants on and get to work fixing the actual mess not wasting time theorising about past events 

 

 

 
Posted : 9th July 2024 2:13 am
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 225
 

Well done mate. Your flip side response is the exact thing you want to focus on. This has forced you to get help. I had to hit complete rock bottom for me to get help and like you I had a moment of clarity. If you had won, the funds would be there to enable you to be tempted back again. You did it once, there’s a good chance you would have done it again. You’ve now got the opportunity to change your mindset, and that’s what you have to do. The only way to beat this is to change how you think. No regrets, no thoughts of how close you were to winning. These thoughts are the ones that will draw you back. 

Better to have lost 14k now and got the help you need, than have won it back and lost several thousand more over the coming months. Now you need to change everything about you. If you had set times you gambled plan something else to do at that time. If you gambled when you felt low, find a family member you can speak to, of contact the team on here. It really is a tough road ahead but with a strong mindset you can do this. 

Money will always be the Achilles heel for gamblers. If it’s there, the temptation is there. Start to develop a new respect for it. You gamble to lead a life where you have money and ironically if you didn’t gamble you would have it. It doesn’t take long for you to start having by money again, trust me. I started this process 3 months ago with 50k debt thinking there was no way back, but for the last 2 months I’ve had money in my bank everyday and it’s a great feeling. It will take us both a long time to achieve the status where we are comfortable having money, but it’s what we really want so the hard work will be worth it.

Hope you find the help you need therapy wise. 

Stay strong 💪 

 
Posted : 9th July 2024 7:11 am
Peer Supporter Patsy
(@ofb741hvqs)
Posts: 66
 

Evening @cardiffsam

What a post , poured your heart out. Hope that empowering. There  has been such great advice to you by the above community who really can resonate with you. I come from a place as a mother of a boy of 18 that gambles for 9 years and is now 17 months gamble free.

He had to get to a place of no hope after being gripped by obsessive gambling which took over his life and mine in a way. I am sure your family and friends really want you to be in a place where change is your choice and nobody elses. It always had to be my son that pressed to stop button probably 30K into addiction. Gordon moody helped him, a fab residential unit. 

Amounts of money are irrelevant in many ways as the harm is the same across the board. But a new life where there are no lies, love for yourself, rid of guilt and the chance to build a future and repair relationships and allow new ones.

Poor mental health and accessing therapy is one of the powerful tools amongst others is key.

There is hope where there is help. Gamcare community can help, so stay on board for support.

Very best wishes 

Patsy

Online peer supporter  

 
Posted : 9th July 2024 7:05 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1808
 

Hi

Guilt shamre regret is a healthy reaction to our conscience which is spirtual based.

Why did I lie because I was filled with fear and pain.

By attending meetings I would understand that guilt shamre regret is about me healing my pains.

Yet I could only start healing my pains once I was abstaining from unhealthy habits.

Going to meetings would help me understand that my addictions and obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I am a non religious person yet I understand that I have a very healthy conscience.

By me attending meetings I would start to understand how to abstain from Gambling.

By me attending meetings I would start to start to reduce my fears.

By me attending meetings I would start to understand my emotional triggers.

By me attending meetings I would start to get more honest with my self but also be more caring respectful and loving of my self.

By me attending meetings I would start to heal the hurt inner child in me.

By me attending meetings I would start to exchange my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

By me investing more time and effort in to my recovery I would not gamble and heal my pains but live a much more stable and healthier life.

Beating our self up and causing our self more pain is a very unhealthy habit.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 
Posted : 10th July 2024 5:10 pm
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