6 months ago I did something stupid, lost £1000 which was all my savings at the time on online roulette, I was £200 up then chased those winnings into a very deep hole
I promised myself I would never play roulette again, which I have stuck to but I replaced it with horse racing, up until Sunday this had been going great, I had a brilliant Cheltenham and an even better Aintree. Had completely forgiven myself for what I did during October then on friday I made a big mistake of showing my friends that my b*****r account was 1300 in profit. This was a massive error as I now cared how much my account was up not that it was up, I lost a few hundred over the next 3 or 4 days and began to panic a little thinking what if a friend asks me how much my account is up now.
This panic led to me trying to get the 400 i had lost back, i was still well up I shouldn't have let it effect me, but in the end I'm back where I was 6 months ago with no savings at all and just enough money to my name to pay the bills until next pay day.
That I was in complete control for 6 months then out of knowhere blew 3 grand over three days chasing losses tells me one thing, that if I continue to gamble without a strict deposit limit this is going to keep happening. I have now self excluded from all but one of my sites and put a strict deposit limit on the one I will leave open of £50 per month which is an amount that will still allow me to bet on horse racing which is something I very much enjoy but only to an extent that it will never effect my life in a negative way. I feel like if I stop betting on horse racing completely I will have let my addiction win as I really enjoy horse racing and have done for a few years now. I feel the ultimate victory for me over my habit is to have complete control over it, I am determined that from now on when I lose I won't care at all and will brush it off because it will be an amount I can afford to lose each month.
It's going to take me a long time to get over these last few days both financially and more importantly mentally, I have gone from being in a really good place to being at rock bottom again
I am determined to be in control of this from now on because it' just not worth it, in the long run I'm not going to make money, so just staking a small amount for a bit of fun backing is the only thing I can possibly gain
An issue I have is that I work in a bookies and am therefore surrounded by temptation all day 5 days a week, I was considering handing my notice in once I saved up a few quid but again I feel this would be giving in to my problems and I want to overcome them completely. Instead I have sorted out overtime and asked for my contracted hours to be increased if possible but I know i might be underestimating how little control i have over what my brain can convince me that i can do
To prove to myself I can gain control I will try to not place a single bet for 7 weeks (The next two pay days) if I manage this I will allow myself to bet on the horses again, £5 max deposit a day and £50 a month
If I can't survive the 7 weeks without betting I know I'm not in control at all and will self exclude from every site and start looking for a new job.
Here's to closing a sad chapter in my life and starting a new one, a chapter where my other hobbies become more important to me than gambling
I really hope I can get back control and with the strict limits I will set on myself move forward to a future where I can indulge my passion for horse racing without causing myself the stress I have felt over the last 4 or 5 days. If not there are two alternatives, I give up altogether or some point whether it is 6 months or 6 years I will hit rock bottom again. Obviously only one of those is acceptable
This hodge podge of paragraphs likely makes very little sense but I feel a bit better now I have put it out there
I am determined to overcome my demons and move forward with my life and not waste it losing silly amounts on gambling
Step 1 has been to recognise I have a serious problem which I have done by making an account on here
Step 2 will be to forgive myself, this may take some time but I hope I can get there because as my name suggests it is just not worth it
Step 3 will be to carry on with my life in a positive manner, where gambling is just a very small part that can' have any negative impact on my self worth
Now if had more time to clear my head I realise I will have to quit completely
Otherwise a few months down the line once my savings build up again to a level where my disposable income increases I will think I have got over my problem and my stakes will start going back up again
Reading people's recovery diaries has really opened my eyes and I am now very glad I stopped before getting into debt
Still very disappointed at what I did, I went from someone who puts £1 Accas on every Saturday to placing £500 singles on virtual greyhounds chasing my losses
I realise know that recognising I have a problem is the only way to move forward
Not gambling at all today or even being tempted too has been a relief. I re read my initial post after reading other people' and realise how foolish I am thinking I have any control, the only way to control this is to stop and spend my money on things I actually enjoy instead
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