I've failed them all

Hello!

I've been gambling for almost 10 years now and i'm 29. First when I started I did few bets a year just for fun, and I did it for years. Afters years my addiction grew and I started depositing more often. Long story short I started taking loans so I could pay my bills and gamble for me. I'll do my best to write my journey in chapters. Also I'm not from UK so my English might be a little bad, so sorry for that. 

Anyways when I reached to a point where I couldn't pay all my loans I looked for a way out. There's a way in my country where I can rewrite my loans with court and the payments will reduce, also I didn't have to pay for interesest. So I finally tought maybe my life is back on track. Yes I had to still pay for them but monthly payment was almost manageable. Also at that time my girlfriend was pregnant and soon after my little girl was born. Things were almost going great but I still didn't earn enough so yes, I started gambling again..

Again it all turned to s**t and I started taking some private loans. Fast forward like 8 months, I was facing a situation where my girlfriend didn't know about my gambling but my loans were too big for me to pay them. What I did was I finally told my girlfriend about it. Of course she was mad. But she helped me because she didn't want me to ruin my life and my little girl's life. After that I told myself I'm done and I was. We got engaged and everything. Life was going great. Untill..

One day our car broke down, there were some medicial issues etc. So many bills were coming at once and I took some private loans again. When it was time to pay them I turned again to gambling, hoping I could earn some money to pay my bills and all. Of course it didn't happen. Since I gambled my salary, I had to take out some more private loans until I was in a mess again. No way to pay them. So I turned to my family. Told my mom about everything. I knew she didn't have much money but I just needed to tell someone. And I couldn't tell my fiance again, that would've been the end of us. She helped me already once and I did it again.

Anyway my mom helped me. I thought she had money for it but turns out she took out some loans to pay for my loans.. Most stupid thing ever, if I would've known about it I would've turned her down. But damage is already done. Anyways I told her I'll pay for her monthly payments. And I did for a little while. Fast forward to this december, holidays, so many events and birthdays. Of course my logical thinking told me to turn to gambling again. So I did. And I gambled a lot. Took again so many private loans. And as i'm writing this my situation is that as of today I need to find 900 euros to my mother, 7k for my private loans and money to live until next payday. I'm totally f****d. Couldn't sleep last night, so i'm useless at work. I actually finally banned myself from gambling, contacted our country addiction group (sorry, don't know how to call them) and I got a appointment to a psychologist for next month, so that's good I guess. I'm just not sure if i'm even alive to visit him removed link The guilt, shame, everything... I have no idea how i'm going to tell my mother that I can't give her money today, even I promised I would and I know she needs it. How am I even going to pay for all these private loans, they keep calling/messageing me but i'm just ignoring it all. I'm starting to think my fiance, my little girl, my family would all be better without me.