Hi,
some people may remember me but it has been a long time sice I posted previously. I share this account with my fiancГ© (yes she agreed to spend her life with me and my problem) so she posts on here sometimes from the other side of the fence. Things are at another low. After managing the problem for a few months I started again in June just using my own credit card with a small limit, due to my terrible credit history. Recently I went to the next level and got my partners credit card details thinking I could get some money for our new house.....and everyone knows the rest. We are now in an awful mess on what should gave been the happiest year of my life, and I hoped hers. I am really starting to question if I should let her go and flourish like i know she would in life without the anchor if me around her neck. Shes the love of my life, but I am spending all my time staring at an 'in-play' betting screen.
anyway, I am not trying to sound like a martyr here but I am just struggling to pick myself up for the battle ahead. I want to stop, but this is probably about the 20th time I have tried. In all honesty I have never tried hard enough and never blocked all channels as I thought I was stronger than the addiction. It's been 5 days since my last bet, I have a meeting with the bank on sat to get a basic cash card and attempt to block myself that way. Self exclusion from the shops is the next step and gamblock for my phone. The problem with the blocking software is that I am struggling to part with the last bit of money I own when my partner isat her wits end with money worries. This addiction really is the most complicated puzzle of all. I've come to realise there is no such thing as 'the first day of the rest of my life' just that life goes on and you have to find a way to keep moving forward. The fireworks I once imagined are not what it's all about. I'd give a limb to have what I would have called a boring life a few years ago. In fact the thought of it even excites me. I sure that for as long as I am gamble free I will be able to tackle any other obstacle along the way but when I am betting there's just no room for anything or anyone else to come in between.
Your post is so true in the final few lines. It totally takes over your life and it's horrendous. I find it hard to describe. It's like being a kid in a sweet shop. I'm almost in a trance at times and it's not until the big loss arrives that I can snap out of it and realise the mess I've created. I really wish you the best of luck but sounds like in your 20th attempt to quit you need to do things differently.
Thanks change, I think my main problem is I am lazy minded with these things. I run 7 days a week so when called lazy I always use that one, but if you really want to do something you will. Maybe it all just seems like too much effort and a lot of embarrassing situations to put yourself in to get the right measures in place. When I think about it I don't even think I've ever given much thought to my betting, I put the same type of bets on over and over again with a total disregard to any background knowledge, strange considering I spend most of my time aimlessly doing it.
I hope to continue posting my progress on here as if you don't hear from me it won't be down to the usual excuse of 'I'm too busy and want to relax in my spare time' it will because I am too d**n lazy to kick the habit!
For me this abstanance is so hard, not so much in trying not to bet but in finding a way to repay my debts. I am constantly thinking about how to get the money back to my partner as quick as possible as I don't want to bring her down with me but, as I'm sure many of you will know, the answer I always end up with is gambling. Although I know this is the last thing that will make me any money and will just cause more debt, on the other hand the gambler in me sees no other option! I consider myself a strong character but when it comes to gambling I am weaker than a soggy crisp. Wishing there was an easier way!
flamingo - your comments ring so true its uncanny. God i feel awful the way i have been the past few days betting hundreds on stuff i have no knowledge of, just for the hit. Really need to abstain 100% here.
Until you draw a line under your losses the addiction will always be in a position to lure you back with false promises of riches! I read on the f&f section earlier that to one unlucky loved one a millionaire is someone who has helped a million people...This addiction is not about the money! I'm pretty sure your girlfriend would have you, warts & all, rather than a facade! I too have a strong character (fierce some might say) but hell I am lazy, I can still pull on a pair of trainers & pound the streets with the best of them but I'm too lazy to make changes that could improve my life! I was also a lazy gambler, popping the machines (@ least 2 @ a time where possible) onto auto spin & for goodness knows long, as soggy as a crisp, but this forum (& OH taking control of my finances) has given me a life! As my good friend Ade2 pointed out to us, recovery is possible...Stop thinking you can fix this with gambling, hand over the pennies that you are secreting & give your girlfriend back the person she is in love with!
You have not given up giving up so roll up your sleeves & give recovery a shot...It is embarrassing putting up the barriers but I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone, give it a go, what do you have to lose, gambling has already taken your dignity! You can do this - ODAAT
Well as usual I've been lying to myself over the last week or so, thinking I will give up once I win something back to cushion the blow! For some reason it feels like betting is the only solution, even though it is also the BIG problem. I am trying to get measures in place but I always find away around them. I am the sneakiest person ever when gambling and it is killing me inside to keep these secrets from the people I live the most. I have become numb to feeling.....anything. As soon as I stop it hits me like a ton of bricks and the guilt and shame kick in, but still we must go on fighting the good fight against this evil that has taken over our minds and made us feel week. I will beat this, I have to in order to have the life I want.
I am trying to find a way to reassure my fiancГ© that I won't steel from her or better yet put steps in place that make it impossible. Of course I never think I'm steeling as I would never dream of not paying it back, eventually! Does anyone else who has been through this same situation have any suggestions? Is there a way of blocking the use of your card on gambling sites or just a good method that works for other couples?
lemon25 - I hope you are finding the strength to stop, it is so difficult but sometimes when I am not betting I think about how ridiculous it is that I sat in front of a screen for hours on end watching basketball, volleyball, handball scores tick by 1 at a time. Who wants to spend time with a person who does that? We do it for the excitement but it must make us look so boring. Please keep posting your updates mate, it is a help to me and everyone else just to hear familiar stories....makes me realise that I'm not alone in all this.
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