I yo yo back and forth from this forum. It sickens me that every time I post here, I simply go away, sulk for a day or two and then return to gambling. I've had so much support, paid back all my debts, yet at this point in time I want to win money that I have lost. Any spare funds get fed into a roulette machine or online slots. I'm completely numb, I feel like I can't break this, its been over a decade of lies, deceit and sheer hell. I'm approaching thirty and have absolutely nothing to show for it, in terms of money or anything else. I had a failed suicide last year, and part of me regrets that it didn't work. I have lost myself over the last ten years, and almost accept that I'll never break free from this. I feel I deserve it for the pain I've caused others. This is a bit of an incoherent ramble but I needed to write down some thoughts to stpp me from blowing the only money I have left for the month. I fear getting paid, I fear walking by a bookies, I fear going online. I've cut these avenues off in the past but there are always ways around it. I've lost myself, and I don't think I'll ever be found. I'm.genuinely broken and a shadow of who I used to be.
I don't even know what I expect from writing this down, I'm just scribbling down my thoughts. I'm exhausted, depressed and alone and I don't see this ever changing.
Hi TheMask
You are not alone, we are all here to offer support and encouragement. You have to realise that the money you have lost has gone. You cannot win it back, the odds are stacked against you. Even if you did win the chances are you will continue to play until the winnings have gone and the misery begins again.
Why would you be any less deserving to break free from this addiction than say me who has also been a CG for over 10 years. We all deserve to live a life of freedom. What has happened, has happened and we cannot change the past but we can change our future.
You say you have cut the gambling avenues in the past, well do it again. Exclude yourself from the bookies, put a block on your computer, take away to facility to gamble and you need not fear payday.
I know you are exhausted and depressed but you are not alone and you can make change happen.
You are stronger than you think.
Elfie x
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