One night in hell

The accessibility of online is a serious problem for everyone 

I can remember a few years ago sitting in a toilet cubicle at work punting online blackjack for about 40 minutes on my phone 

The same user names constantly appearing , as you all share your doom 

its a very dark and dangerous world , one that some get sucked into and never come out of 

Hello Mark 173 and welcome.

Please do inform someone close and talk through the " minor" relapses leading to this one. 

The mind can often be delusional during recovery leaving ways fully open to gamble.....sort of we know we could if we wanted which is relaxing to a confused mind trying to deal with the past

Use your courage to tell people because it will help you step up the blocks. That means blocking software, protecting your money and somebody keeping a sixth sense monitoring you

You have to look at the reality.....you had full access to gamble online....you were curious and I understand the feelings behind it. The urges can seem gentle but they are decisive. In the moment your mind has persuaded you it's a good idea but I understand how it almost casually and easily it does this.

You are vulnerable to it but you are not alone. I'm still wondering about and thinking through my relapses. I told myself many times out loud I would never gamble again. I cried many times and fished old food out of a bin.

It makes me shudder how ill the power of this addiction made me. I just can't believe my own mind was driving me to destruction

So dont beat yourself up about it but don't get complacent about what you need to do....the blocks need to be stepped right up to protect you......Best if others are helping you do this.

You need to get clear that gambling is a vice and a mugs game.  Its not a scheme for income. Do you in reality think the gambling dens are offering anything you can plan an increase in money?......indeed you've seen the results and experienced the sheer misery. 

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Posted by: @mark-173

Hello everyone

After 2 years free of the disease with only 4 or 5 minor relapses last night, at 10pm, I found myself, out of curiosity and mainly feeling very fraught with other health issues I have, opening a l*******s account online. I have been an addict for 40 years and swore never to do this.

After 18 hours continual playing, at one point winning a lot (the usual story) then losing hundreds of my own money, reality started to bite. Gone was the cold, clinical dreamworld of losing my money to a bunch of emotionless croupiers behind a laptop screen and the feeling of being back to square one having to inform family of what I've done. That comes tomorrow if I'm courageous enough. I feel stunned and humiliated that I let myself go online to gamble as it's always been shops with me.

Has anyone else had the same experience? I'd like to know how much the pull of internet betting sites is affecting us all.

Thanks and stay healthy.

Mark.

 

Hey Mark. So sorry to hear of this. I too am afraid of what happens next!

However big question I have for you is; why didn’t you block the online avenue when you decide enough is enough (deciding to quit once and for all). I appreciate it is done now but maybe in the back of your head you knew the online avenue was an option?

The compulsion has woken up and struck you really badly. 

What’s your thoughts on informing the family? I hope it goes well and hope you have the courage to tell them truthfully

We all want the best for you and I hope this is the last straw for you, close off all avenues, Gamstop it! 

Keep us updated mate,

BGT

Posted by: @joydivider

 

You are vulnerable to it but you are not alone. I'm still wondering about and thinking through my relapses. I told myself many times out loud I would never gamble again. I cried many times and fished old food out of a bin.

It makes me shudder how ill the power of this addiction made me. I just can't believe my own mind was driving me to destruction

These are powerful words. Me too, I do wonder whether or not I will ever in my life not play a relapse back in my head. I’m now 267 GF and play back relapses in my head, how i felt, what difficulty I went through (and financially still going through), the desperate measures I went through to fund the loss, the selfishness, the lies, etc. 

the positive I take from it is that I see it as a great reminder for me to remain GF forever. I have had no urges and I will not give in, but the reminder in my thoughts are never too far away.

@beat_gambling_today 

Thank you warmly BGT for your advice. I kept the online avenue there in the belief I'd only ever relapse in a betting shop and I'd not stoop as low as gambling at home. I lost sight that it is all the damned same and all accessible.

As for blocks, I had no idea how to access them until I spoke to someone on this site who sent me the links to apply them. I had already self-excluded form that firm straight after losing the money - 5 years, the maximum. I am excluded from shops in a so-many miles radius but that's no use as we all know.

I will find the most tactful time to tell my family and put this problem to bed. This was my fifth blip in 2 years but the most costly and the fact it was in my living room left me feeling I'd violated my own living space.

Once again thanks, BGT and all the best.

@mark-173 

No problem man. As u can see from my subsequent posts, I from time to time am mentally feeling the after-effects of the gambling damage though I don’t do it anymore. Me and my wife spoke about it this morning of how we will still feel the effects financially for another 3 years. Makes me sad! But we gotta deal with it! 

I’m afraid (and I have learnt) that gambling is gambling and whilst u believed online is no place where you could go, you did because the trap of the evil took you in. I went through so many extremes to gamble I remember I created 20 accounts in my wife’s name and risked it all on her credit card without telling her. I mean what on earth! But that’s what it does, pulls you in.

Anyway; 5 times in 2 years is… in my opinion something that still needs addressing. Something beneath the surface that still means you want to gamble. Some unresolved thoughts… So I turned to GamCare when I had some relapses like yourself and decided I’m going to get some counselling through them. Really easy simple process and it rewired my brain kind of like CBT. I also gave my physical debit card to my wife and only keep apple pay as a way of paying. 

Works a dream, but through counselling I truly understood my motives to gamble. 

Completely get the whole feeling violated as you did it in your living room! But time will pass and as long as you have strong measures in place, it will heal.

All the best and happy for you to reach out any time, this is why we have the forum! 

Hi

Sorry to hear you are in pain and suffering.

2 years gambling free is a great achievement.

You have not lost your 2 years gambling free time you have lost one day. 

Please do not beat your self up over it.

Do you understand your emotional trigger.

You were feeling very fraught with health issues, was that fear and anxiety.

You say you have been an addict for 40 years, I have been an addictict much longer than that.

It is very important to understand why you last gambled.

Learn from this last break out it will save you money and more pains.

Back to square one more lesson to learn from and more to understand about myself.

Being honest and open is the healthy thing to do.

I was clean for 11 months and 2 weeks clean and then went in to bettings hop and lost it.

My first reaction was rage at myself.

My emotional trigger on this occasion was fear of facing the meeting on my GA birthday.

I did not like being the loner then and I do nt like being the loner today.

I have found it my recovery intimacy is essential to the healing of my pains.

My emotional triggers were with me before I saw adverts or gambling promotions on television.

Today adverts they are every where, I got away from thinking getting some for nothing was unhealthy.

Informing family was a very healthy thing to do.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK