The Chains Are Broken

Hi Signalman,

Thanks for your reply. Right now i can't begin to explain what's going on in my head. Of course relief that just for today i remained gamble free. Unfortunately the goods things seem to be a little over shadowed by guilt, knowing how many others would have deserved much more than i what this wonderful friend has done for me. Relief this didn't happen whilst my addiction was untreated. So many emotions going through my head last few weeks. Yet still i need to be as selfish as i always was in order to refuse to let this hinder or interrupt my recovery.

Am i the first CG in history that became so unhappy with a healthy bank balance & so desperate to off load it on to someone else i wonder. Out of the all the good hard working none gambling people in the world WHY ME ?. Just finding recent events so hard to deal with.

Great to hear from you & stay strong

AL

Hey Al,

We're just not used to good stuff happening to us, when good fortune comes our way it all feels a bit alien. 

Almost a year off a bet means that slowly but surely the cogs will start to turn in your favour and good things will happen in your life... The monetary value of your good fortune is irrelevant in this context of course, whats crucial is learning to forgive yourself now and enjoying the fruits of your labour.

I haven't worked the step program at GA yet as I am waiting for my block of counselling to start (one thing at a time) but someone I have a lot of respect for in my local group caught me doing the same thing as you when I passed my study course with a commendation - he explained to me that recovering gamblers serious about quitting will eventually find themselves carrying around this huge rucksack of guilt, resentment and self-loathing related to past events.

He told me that working the program was like unloading that rucksack item by item until eventually your load is light and you can start filling your rucksack with positive events when they come your way. 

This is not a message to push the program on to you, but moreso to identify the pathology related to your need to revert back to the modus operandi of self-depracating and resentment, even when good things are happening to you.

More good things are going to come your way if you keep at this - somehow or another we must learn to embrace them otherwise it's like being given a lovely juicy cake and splatting it all over our face instead of enjoying it and savouring the taste.

From what you mentioned of your friend this is what she would have wanted - in this moment her money is safe - her wishes were adhered to and this is a cause for celebration.

Good things will always happen to good people, like yourself ?

Start unloading that rucksack somehow mate ?

Posted by: signalman

- he explained to me that recovering gamblers serious about quitting will eventually find themselves carrying around this huge rucksack of guilt, resentment and self-loathing related to past events.

Nicely put.

we can make amends the best we can, but we can’t turn the clock back.

Guilt & self loathing will achieve nothing, only our own actions and behaviour change anything.

we can live the rest of our lives exactly the way we choose.

how can we make amends?

we do it in many different ways, some small, some large.

looking after your grand kids, giving back on here by supporting others, your wife knowing you have got through another day no matter how difficult.

all these count towards making amends in my book. Concentrate on the small things - and don’t fantasise about what you should have done.

It will soon be a year, an unimaginable achievement but not one to be complacent about.

Keep waking up with the mantra “just for today, I will not gamble”, then smile - as the day will be better than most of those in the past 40 years no matter what is thrown our way.

have a plan for the day, but don’t be a slave to it.

show the same kindness you show to others, to yourself.

Hi Signalman,

Read your latest post hours ago & spent most of the night pondering & analysing  every single word. I'm neither pro or anti GA in fact they were the 1st website i turned to when i first came here seeking advice & support. This is not a cop out nor lame excuse but when i clicked on the map to discover my closest meeting i realised it was about 20 miles away & also at a time when my wife needed our shared car to pursue her own interests which i didn't want to deprive her of.

I suppose you could take the view that this place was merely my 2nd choice but under the circumstances i can only reflect & be so grateful for the wonderful support & advice i've had from so many on here despite having their own demons to fight. I often visit the chatline & on the afternoon sessions i've had several conversations with a wonderful guy who chairs the nearest meeting to me. On many occasions i've been tempted to ask my long suffering wife if she can re-arrange weight watchers, gym sessions etc etc & let me have the car to attend a meeting with a willing open mind, but as time goes on i wonder if they could find the time for someone who's achieved now 334 days GF.

Abstention gets a little easier every day, yet that doubt & lack of self belief still lurk in the background. Worse than that is what you've described tonight. The inability to accept that good things happen to everyone ( even me ) and being able to be grateful rather than horrendous feelings of guilt. Tonight your advice was a stern reminder that although i'm gamble free for a few months i'm still learning or perhaps trying to discover how to deal with the virus that triggers the addiction.This is a challenge i'm probably ill equipped to deal with on my own and perhaps true recovery is a life long education.

This is not a post full of negativity, feeling sorry for myself or being ungrateful for the wonderful support & advice i've received here but a request for others to prepare me for what is going to be a long journey not just of recovery.but ( dare i ask for it ) to learn how to heal before my tortured soul destroys everything i've achieved so far. My long term aim is to protect what i've achieved so far. Surely that's a desire that's positive & vigilant against complacency.  Any advice welcome. 

Stay Strong

AL  

Thanks Ken,

Advice well received & taken on board gratefully. I know deep down there is a good person inside me waiting to re-emerge. My birth sign says Gemini,the twins and i like to think the good kind twin still rules supreme up till now, but all i can remember since the addiction took over is the other twin who'd  lost £200 in a photo finish. Not a nice personat all. Just got to keep searching, finding & demonstrating by deeds & actions the good twin is still alive and kicking.

Thanks For Being There For Me

AL 

Dear @alwalm ,

Well done in your recovery so far. You have come such a long way and your hard work and determination are paying off.  Keep engaging and sharing your success. It is such a massive achievement that you've almost reached the one year mark so that is brilliant and I hope it continues. You seem like a much more positive person than when you started your journey and your understanding and compassion shines through.

Please continue to use the Forum and Chatroom and it goes without saying that the helpline is available to you should you need to talk to an adviser. if you feel it would help, we could also arrange some further treatment support for you.

Although recovery is an ongoing process, you are never alone, we are here to support you through this.

All the very best.

Forum Admin.