Messed up again last night. I drank, found a random non UK casino and blew another credit card... I am already up to my neck in gambling debt. Today I am racked with guilt, hating myself and asking myself how I could have let it get to this.
I have gambled for nearly 20 years, in secret, online. I have a family, job, friends ect, my life looks perfect on the outside but I have had this horrific addiction the entire time draining my happiness and my sense of worth.
Last year I had a few big wins, this has always been a disaster for me. It means to just gamble it more. To add to the issue I started to gamble with non licenced casinos who take CC deposits. I spiraled. In Dec I hit rock bottom and reached out to GP and Gamcare. I have had counseling sessions on the phone and this kind of helped. I took all the advice and acted on it, read the books, did the exercises, installed the Gamblock. But still I end up drinking, depositing, losing, adding to debt and self loathing.
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Right now I can't see through. For the first time in my life I can honestly say I hate myself. I have to get through the weekend pretending to the world that I am okay, but I am not. This feeling inside of hate is hard to bear right now. I can't see any end.
Hello TheBean,Â
It sounds like you are having difficult weekend. Please don't hesitate to call us at any time on our 24 hour freephone 0808 8020 133, or chat with us on our Live Chat at any hour. We can offer you a free promotion of GamBan blocking software to protect you from those non-UK sites.
https://www.gamcare.org.uk/talk/
You might like to consider money management methods, (It sounds like keeping your problem secret could be depriving you of potentially useful support of family members who could hold your money or supervise your banking?).Â
https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/money-management/
Take care,
Adam.
Over 14 days clean of gambling now and something has shifted in my mind. It's not that I don't want to gamble or that I can't gamble. It is simply that I won't inflict the pain of compulsive gambling on myself anymore because it hurts too muchÂ
I have known I have a problem for years... The gambling blocks were always in place. I signed up to Gamstop years ago.Â
My bank had the 'stop gambling transactions' settings on my debit card.
I self excluded from all the main gambling sites.
I installed Gamban.
But I bypassed Gamstop by altering my personal details. I made bank transfers instead of debit card deposits or just removed the gambling restrictions. I uninstalled Gamban....
The results were terrible. If I did manage to deposit and win I would not be able to verify and withdraw. If I lost I didn't have any excuse.... I shouldn't have gambled in the first place.
So I gambled with non UK, non regulated casinos. No player protection, allow credit card deposits, aggressive T&C making sure you could never come out on top, lost on the exchange to dollars or euros and by the way.... Withdrawal is pending for 7 days + with the option to reverse?!? I am a compulsive gambler, on a non UK regulated site... What am I going to do? Reverse withdrawal and burn the balance obviously.
The results.... GP appointment due to lack of sleep and anxiety. Feeling such a depth of self hatred that I can barely will myself to breathe as I don't deserve the air.
Things are slightly better now. The first week gambling free was incredibly hard. I went through full on withdrawal. I even hallucinated at one point... 2 decades of burning dopamine has to have an effect.
Being on this forum has been instrumental in not gambling. I couldn't have done it otherwise. Knowing that others were going through the same thing made me feel less isolated.
I really feel for those who hit rock bottom and post here in desperation but then disappear and go silent. It can be cold and lonely experience.
For now I am content in a way I have not experienced for a long time. I hope and pray that the nightmare is over.
One day at a time. Each day is sufficient for its own anxieties, right now I am not gambling and it feels good.
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What's the point...  I tried so hard. Got to 32 days and have blown all my good work. I don't think I can come back from this.
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