I've come to the conclusion, that I must not want to stop gambling. I know I come in here, randomly with the same old posts and sometimes I sense people getting annoyed at my posts. Perhaps rightly so, people invest their time giving you advice etc and then you see that person doing complete the opposite.
However, despite the contradictions. I am still desperate to stop doing this to myself and perhaps understanding better why I am this way would be a good start.
I read these forums quite regularly, I see people who have conquered their addiction have done so after relapsing but I'm not relapsing. I just don't even stop anymore or even try.
I'm now in 9.5k in debt to friends and family. I'm just about holding on to a job, I didn't go in today again after a big loss. I just don't see the point of working and still having nothing because I gambled it all away in 3 hours on payday.
I really really long to find that moment when enough is enough, I've hit rock bottoms probably about 20 times. Each lower then I ever thought was possible. My life's totally out of control, I can't be bothered with anything.
I've banned myself from casinos, bookies, online blocks, still I find myself, extending myself further to gamble and when there's a will, there's always a way. I'm really bothered that I've done this to myself but even more that I've lost the respect of people the most closest to me.
I'm 31 now, started gambling at 28. In those few years, I am now a completely different person. People loaned me money because they knew the old me. Someone who had principles, morals and values.
I try to detach myself emotionally to find the remedy but it's not working clearly as I still gamble. In all the recovery stories, there's a moment. The switch, when enough is enough and people really commit. I just can't find that in me.
That sounds so honest and raw. You have my genuine respect Judderman, (for what that's worth these days anyway š )
I have no advice to give but I do have some questions -
In my own experience (and from reading between the lines on a lot of posts in this forum) Gambling is rarely the issue but a symptom of a deeper emotional problem.
It sounds to me from your last post that you want to punish yourself for something? Why? What for?
You don't want to stop really, deep down, because you feel you deserve to suffer for some reason and don't feel you've punished yourself enough yet to stop. Rock bottom isn't enough. You want to dig deeper down through the rock to find a new level of low...
But what is it you are hoping to discover beneath the rock bottom?
Salvation?
A reason why you are killing yourself by throwing your hard-earned away when you know the odds are stacked against you?
A revelation/enlightenment/Eureka moment that will make you finally accept you have suffered enough and now deserve to start loving yourself?
I don't know. (And I'm only asking you rhetorically - because these are deeply personal questions)
Like I said - I have no advice. But I stand by my questions to you. Think on about WHY you gamble...
You deserve better than this slow death, and I mean that sincerely.
Molehole.
Hi Judderman, welcome back to the Forum,
Annoyance isn't quite the right phrase, I would say "frustrated concern" is more along the right lines my friend.
But, as I said before, the time to worry about what people think is when they don't reply or say anything at all. And here I am, late at night, responding to a total stranger who I am never likely to meet in real life, when I should be in bed, asleep, as I have a very early start.
I am doing it because you are fundamentally a good person who wear their heart on their sleeve; I have also walked many miles in your shoes - I used to look in the mirror and I would see what you are seeing now.
My last post to you was saying that you should always post before the event and not after, which I have never seen you do. This is where Molehole's points are very valid - you don't want to stop yourself, you seem to have a fervent need to drag yourself down further; you have the intelligence, you have good advice, you know what to do but you prefer to wallow in self-pity and resign yourself to your fate - a slow death, borne out of not giving this your all my friend.
You say you have changed, you haven't - you are exactly the same person; if they banned gambling, worldwide, tomorrow, then you would see an instant change, and a gradual return to who you really are. There are some people here who have served time; when they are inside, they say they have "no choice" but to be cured - all temptation of that nature is taken away.
There has to be some consistency in your thoughts and actions - I feel you are positive and happy some days, and then withdrawn and depressive others; your mood swings will be there with or without gambling - I have good days and bad days, but now I have purpose, routine and a clear head - I have the capacity to cope because I constantly push myself to tackle my problems head-on, which is what you must do.
I also feel like posting here helps, but then you are gone again for another month while all this damage is being done - why not post every day? Gambling isolates you like little else - keeping up communication helps enormously; start a diary, share all your day's little details - it helps.
It will be a sad day for me if I stop replying to you; it will also be an very happy day for me if you posted the next time, saying you have stopped for a month. You have power, more power than you know.
I came here myself, as you did, hoping someone would say something inspiring, or pushed a magic button within my soul that made me stop for good - after seven years here, I know that nothing works other than being proactive and working hard, as well as changing how you live. You have to reach a point where you are going to stick to a plan and get through the day, no matter how you feel. If not, the years will drift and clot together, slipping away until the regret consumes you.
As Molehole says, you deserve better.
JamesP
JamesP has been a big blessing on the gamcare forum. Another comprehensive post by JamesP. I have been following his responses as I am early in my recovery. Its been helpful to me.
JamesP reminds me of Andy Dufresne(Tim Robbins ) in the movie Shawshank Redemption. I mean this as a compliment to him.
Thanks JamesP for your continued contribution to this forum.
You are enormously kind Got2Again, and I am genuinely very grateful for your words, thank you.
I hope your own recovery is going well my friend. A great phrase that GA use is "The person who has given up the longest, is the first one who woke this morning" - I have always been very fond of that saying, because it reflects what I feel - that I am no better than anyone else on this Forum and that we are all in this together, fighting the good fight.
Thank you again, it means more than you know.
JamesP
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