Would this have been said at GA

Hi,
I am sorry to read this, in my honest opinion I doubt that very much,if anything I should imagine they would be saying you have to take full responsibility and realise the hurt and pain you cause from being a compulsive gambler,this addiction is evil,it changes people n to being dishonest and takes you to some very dark places,he has to get help,in my opinion it is not your daughters fault she unfortunately has been part of living with a gambler and all the problems it brings,only he can change his life around and stop and make changes to his life if he is ready to stop,I hope he can save his family from breaking up but as I said it’s down to him and your daughter to regain the trust put measures in place and see if they love each other enough and if it’s the right thing to do,but it will take time.

best wishes

steve

I doubt it, he probably knew that you didn't know much about GA, but even that's far fetched. He probably tried to flummox you. By that I mean he may have said it quite quickly & not really let you assertively try to question him about it, & knowing that you weren't expecting that response so he could deflect the situation for a bit.

Does that sound right? 

Posted by: @ch123

I doubt it, he probably knew that you didn't know much about GA, but even that's far fetched. He probably tried to flummox you. By that I mean he may have said it quite quickly & not really let you assertively try to question him about it, & knowing that you weren't expecting that response so he could deflect the situation for a bit.

Does that sound right? 

I think he is still at the denial stage.  He told my dd that apparently the GA meeting didn’t think he has much of an issue.  He told my dd he only needs to go for six weeks as his problem isn’t that bad.  She told him he was being naïve and that it’s a lifelong addiction and he has to stick to going.  
i suppose to others who might have lost their houses and have debt repayment plans he doesn’t have a large issue.  But £10K over 3 years is a lot of money when you don’t earn a lot of money.  To steal from a joint savings account is disgusting and until he owns up to it things will sadly never improve.
it’s so sad ? I have witnessed the change in him and it’s been so dramatic even his physical appearance! 

Sounds like he is right in the throes of this addiction mate, and sadly one of the bi-products of this is to manipulate and obscure the real problem, which is him and his core being, something he may not be ready to come to terms with yet, he has only attended one meeting...

If he really wants to get well, the work has to come from within and step 1 of the process is waving the white flag. 

Think about it pal, if he is really ready to get well, what would have he had to gain from making that phone call to you? However if his intention was to obscure and trivialise his addiction and the damage he has caused because he is not ready to take ownership of it just yet, then of course he would have had everything to gain from making that call to you.

Encourage him to keep going to meetings mate, it's a marathon, not a sprint... Trust me on that. He will thank you later on if/when he gets well and breaks free of the addiction. 

My dd is not going back.  She has moved out and is ‘relieved’.  She told us yesterday that he is never going to see the people outside of the meetings he doesn’t want yo be there and his problem is controlled.

My belief is that he is scared of the reality. He is devastated my DD has walked but the trust has gone and she cannot live with his manipulative ways anymore.

the things he used to do to get money to bet was sad.  He would go food shopping buy hardly any food and then get cash back to bet.  He would get paid and 2 days later it had gone.  He would then get cash out for lunch and just buy a sandwich and then use the rest of the money for betting. Just some examples of someone who was desperate.  He has not had a bet in 4 weeks and seems to be doing well right now.  But nit having a bet for the rest of your life when you are 28 is going to be very hard if not impossible!

I've not posted for a while but couldn't leave this thread without a reply.

@radio58, As a regular GA member, I can guarantee that no one would blame your daughter for leaving him, no one would say he only has to go for 6 weeks and no one would say his problem is not that  bad.

Firstly, we ask all new members to give us 90 days. We say that gives him time for the fog to dissapate and to get his life a little back on track. I then say after 90 days if he wants to go back at it then do, but make a choice once you can see how much better life is without gambling. Hopefully by then the compulsive gambler realises the power and strength of GA and continues to attend meetings.

Secondly we certainly don't tell anyone their problems aren't that bad. It's not our place to judge others, ours is to provide a place where people who think they have a gambling problem can get together, share their stories and realise that theyare not alone. Some will have gambled more, some will have gambled less, but we can identify with others through our behaviours. In fact, although the money is important, it's not the main factor in compulsive gambling, it's our behaviour and our actions. How we hurt people, how we lie, how we disgard everything for that next bet. So we wouldn't have told him his problem wasn't that bad, we would hope, if he was honest in the room, that he would identify with others within the room and seen that help was there.

Thirdly, we certainly wouldn't have blamed your daughter for leaving him. Many of us have seen relationships break down and it is always the gamblers fault. It's easy to rationalise our behaviour when in action and blame others, but once we are out of it for even a small time we can see how our behaviour affected others. 

I would suggest that either he didn't go or if he went he wasn't honest with the room. He should have been given a blue book (Towards the first 90 days) and an orange book(Questions and answers about compulsive gambling). If you feel inclined you could ask him if you could read them. Ask him if he's read them, because if he has he would recognise himself within the pages.

I must also pull you over a coupleof things. You mention that not having a bet for the rest of your life when you're only 28 is nearly impossible. I agree, but at GA we say that "Just for today I can do something that would appal me if I were to keep it up for the rest of my life." in other words, yes, to not gamble again for a lifetime is a huge ask and therefore we don't say that. It is an illness that is with us for the rest of our life, but we can not gamble Just for today. One day at a time. Given enough time those days add up, and as we progress with our abstainence and recovery the days turn to weeks and then years, one day at a time. 

Finally please remember that compulsive gambling is an illness. The behaviour that he has displayed isn't something that he would normally do except to feed an addiction. I understand that you are angry and therefore judgemental of his actions in the past, but with help and time you might be able to see a different person, one who accepts what he is and makes amends for his past. If a relationship can be saved then that's great too. I imagine that's why he's contacted you, to get through to your daughter, but if he can be supported by you then try to give him the support if you can. 

Any questions please ask away.

Chris.

Chris has it stop on here. 

Thank you Chris.  I feel very very sorry for him.  He is completely different to when she first met him.  He just looks burdened down by this addiction and it’s made him nasty.  My Daughter has tried on at least 4 occasions to get him to stop and so have his parents.  In the end she walked away and in the time she has left she is now brimming with happiness and confidence.  

she feels so sad for him but she needed to look after herself.  

I think he is some way off really getting the benefit of GA not because they haven’t tried because he doesn’t want to try.  He has been very aggressive and rude to me today and demanded to know where my daughter was and threatened to come to my house.  I am beyond worried and scared.  Surely this aggressive behaviour is not due to betting or is it?

@radio58 I’m sorry to hear about his behaviour. It might be a sign of desperation which is why he’s acting like he is or he might just be a not very nice man.
If you are scared, if he calls again and is threatening tell him you’ll call the police. When people realise there are repercussions to their behaviour they tend to realise they’ve overstepped a boundary. 
It sounds like your daughter has had enough and he realises it’s too late.
He needs telling that there’s no point trying to sort everything out until he can sort himself out. Good on your daughter for having the strength to do that. I lost my wife because of my gambling so I understand his side, I’m just far enough away from it to look at it objectively. I’ll always be on the non gamblers side but I’ll always offer a better life by giving up gambling. It might not be the life we want but it’s better than a life with problem gambling in it. 
Chris

@Radio58,

Firstly, sorry to hear that your daughter has been through all this with her husband. It sounds like he is in a very bad way. Most importantly if he has been aggressive towards you please do seek advice about keeping you and your daughter safe. Women's Aid https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ and Refuge https://www.refuge.org.uk/ may be able to offer advice, and so might the police. 

If you or your daughter would like any support as people affected by someone else's gambling please do contact us on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or by livechat. We are here 24/7. 

Best wishes,

Deirdre

Forum Admin

So here is the update my Son in Law went to GA for just two weeks.  Last week someone had Covid, this week he watched the football.  The Liverpool match.  
he is not with my daughter now but we are all disappointed because he started so well.  He is in the house on his own every night and I worry he will go back to his old ways.  He said he wasn’t as bad as some people were but I fear the worst.  He has a lot of cash in his pocket due to refunds.  He is coming to London to meet his old friends from the bookies, this weekend!  

@radio58 Unfortunately the person who needs help has to want that help. It’s not about him comparing himself to other people, there are many different levels of addiction and problems related to it.

If he has money and doesn’t really want to stop then he’ll carry on until it’s gone. I’m of the opinion that only when he’s reached a certain point can and will he ask for help. For me I could only stop once everything had gone including anything I could get from other people with my lies and stories.

You can’t do this for him. He still believes there’s a big win waiting that will solve everything. Unfortunately it’s never enough. Look after yourself and your daughter. That’s more productive at this moment.

Good luck.

So son in law has stopped going to gambling anonymous.  He is still undergoing counselling.

He has written to my dd and said that the gambling wasn’t a reason for the marriage to fail and that she should have supported him more!  Honestly my dd has tried at least 3 times to get him help and to stop him. Each time he went back to his addiction harder and spent more money. He became a compulsive liar and stole money from her.  He spoke to her with no love or affection.  Fast forward 2 months after she left him she has had flowers delivered, she has had letters written to her.  I’ve had calls my husband has had calls he wants to meet her.  He wants to take her out for her birthday.  She wants nine of it and is worried he is becoming obsessive!  Obviously we are very concerned for her and I feel very sorry for my son in law as addiction is an illness but the rudeness and nastiness isn’t.

My dd is an adult of 27 but right now we are concerned she is vulnerable.  What should we go ?